Joel shaken awake by hovering demon

Joel pepper sprayed by ATM machine

Joel strikes lurid deal with sex alien

Joel threatens to take away prison library

Joel known as a real sit-down type of guy

Joel seen shaving beard and dyeing hair in gas station bathroom

Joel lowers tape recording of crying baby down into well

Joel throws phone at tv

Joel in charge of Charles

Joel breaks into car with groceries visible in back seat

Joel spins round and round on malfunctioning trick bookcase

Joel strikes once the iron cools off a bit

Joel caught red handed sabotaging brother’s televised weight loss journey

Joel consults the oracle

Joel celebrates existence annually

Joel cruises around looking for someone to give him bruises

Joel missing and presumed dead

Joel cruelest to the ones he loves most

Joel circles wanted ad with red marker

Joel pinched by Vulcan

Joel appends middle name before string of murders

Joel asks Morrie if they can switch to Thursdays

Joel becomes first convict on Mars

Joel receives lousy performance review from bossy sauce

Joel returns to locker room to find police dumping contents of his gym bag onto the floor

Joel throws loose change at toll operator

Joel applies for handicap license plates on the grounds of being an emotional cripple

Joel dines at The Barking Spider

Joel guarantees Swahili

Joel weaves in and out erratically from carpool lane arguing that it’s just paint

Joel clings to departing plane

Joel feeds android probionics

Joel gnaws on fist

Joel stuffs his pockets with buffet rolls at hunger fundraiser

Joel rants and raves about the price of printer ink

Joel runs screaming nude through resort

Joel’s patients start to notice his diplomas have other people’s names on them

Joel cautiously pessimistic

Joel asks couples therapist who’s side she’s on

Joel serially steals from Uncle’s restaurant

Joel refers to rival PTA member as a viper

Joel enjoys irresponsibly

Joel ripped off at dollar store

Joel spread by filth

Joel rapidly blinks while lying

Joel fed romantic lines from behind bush by some big nosed Italian

Joel takes Benadryl before Broadway show CATS

Joel’s family told by doctor his chances aren’t very good considering he’s not a fighter

Joel spills the beans on Bush secret family recipe

Joel breaks it to woman named Zoë that her name limits her to health food industry

Joel doubts anyone could tell the difference between or shaken or stirred Martini

Joel releases his autobiography “Creature of Fear”

Joel eats his way through pork storm

Joel takes quick swig of Dr McGuillicuddy’s while being approached by police

Joel masks rage

Joel devolves to cheap thug

Joel turns down dark road

Joel makes it his business to know

Joel handles pan

Joel led out of office in handcuffs

Joel assumes he can read braille thinking it must be just raised English letters

Joel shadowed in Lower Uncton

Joel deafened by dog whistle

Joel has mild time at Sane Clown Posse concert

Joel nurses wound from robbery

Joel slaps clip into machine gun and shouts “Welcome to 2019!”

Joel heard smashing mailboxes as volume loudens

Joel rips page out of phone book and leaves without paying at diner

Joel spits into woman’s beer bottle while she uses bathroom

Joel contaminates experiment

Joel sires identical son

Joel refers to daily pill regimen as “Tokens of Hope”

Joel takes to the streets

Joel diagnosed as extremist

Joel seen wishfully mouthing words with eyes closed while holding a monkey’s paw

Joel chased out of gym for locker room steroid deal

Joel writes script for male prostitute film “For a Few Dollars More” unaware that title was in use

Joel buys unlimited lifetime admittance to Dr. Terror’s Panic Maze

Joel caged in feces-smeared cell by racist sheriff

Joel follows woman

Joel points out that He-Man is redundant

Joel hosts canine comedy fundraiser Paws for Laughter

Joel rattles tin mug against the bars of his cage

Joel sentenced to one night of comedy by Judge Reinhold

Joel dubbed Heatmiser after installing lock on home thermostat

Joel reduced to glassy eyed fiend

Joel maniacally tailgates motorist on rain slicked highway

Joel wonders who owns the skyscrapers

Joel ends up doing three years for things found on his laptop

Joel rushes back and forth between Golden Corral and The 99 Steakhouse, pretending to frequently need to use the bathroom in each, while managing two different dates

Joel smashes every mirror in hotel room

Joel begs cab driver to take him somewhere – anywhere to escape clutches of vicious white pimp

Joel joins biker gang known as the Satan’s Christians

Joel’s mask is his face

Joel’s real Inbox reads like a Spam folder

Joel holds micro-recorder to ear and constantly replays sound bite of Reginald Veljohnson saying “I shot a kid”

Joel stops in his tracks upon hearing someone shout “Freeze, slimeball!”

Joel regales church group with account of harrowing pot brownie saga

Joel gets house trashed by 90 day fiancé

Joel buys hodgepodge of overpriced meal items at airport concession stand AFTER flight

Joel asks doctor if the sound of a deflating balloon during urination is normal or something to worry about

Joel’s goblin-like face emerges from vat of phosphorescent instant mac and cheese

Joel charbroils rat over barrel fire

Joel pulls blade on hitchhiker

Joel carried by six trying to avoid being judged by twelve

Joel pictured in tabloids hurling change at reporter

Joel’s not in love

Joel tells interviewer that his biggest problem is that he’s too impressionable

Joel wonders why cowboys were such assholes

Joel gives keynote at conference of goblins

Joel builds tolerance to hallucinagens in order to lord over new believers

Joel told by brother’s bariatric surgeon “You’re killing him”

Joel regrets Satanic face tattoo during murder trial

Joel pursued by Eastern European sniper in track suit

Joel ponders a violent Ghandi

Joel tells manager he needs to miss work to deal with a restraining order

Joel masks symptoms of disease he caught from monkey

Joel promoted to Rag and Bone Man

Joel bites face during freakout at Warhol party

Joel interprets ‘break a leg’ as ominous threat

Joel explains situation with two hot peppers

Joel gets handed sweaty wad of money from pub trivia host and told “I don’t want you to ever come back”

Joel blogs under pseudonym “Murderous Hen”

Joel plays harmonica for a small pack of rats at the rail yard

Joel lays bloodstained money down on pharmacy counter

Joel releases cookbook entitled Fiendish Appetites

Joel attempts to patent stink

Joel tells teenager that Rice Pilaf is a grown man’s game

Joel starts crime spree the day he’s released from prison

Joel realizes that control is the illusion

Joel clearly hears “Backup to pharmacy” upon entering drug store

Joel’s meager allowance forces choice between alien and pot leaf blacklight posters

Joel pressures frat pledge into drinking self to death at clown college

Joel asks doctor if Cialis is right for him while concealing erection

Joel protects abuser

Joel shows up with pizza and gun

Joel knows what sexy is… and he’s not telling

Joel seen exiting hardware store with can of gold spray paint

Joel lays down with fleas, gets up with fleas

Joel frustrated by trade-offs in Oregon Trail character selection

Joel bludgeons captor

Joel slides into drive thru and orders five easy pieces

Joel converts sugar to energy

Joel wears costume to pharmacy

Joel told to take a few laps then hit the showers

Joel swerves down highway through veil of tears

Joel asks doctor for needles

Joel thinks outside the box, finds himself in larger one

Joel defeated by gravity

Joel trampled in online store during Cyber Monday

Joel nearly dies from flu shot

Joel kills serially

Joel uses shriek-ray to deter would-be attacker

Joel does everything for money except kiss

Joel will kiss for money if the amount is high enough

Joel wakes in haze to find incriminating Polaroids spread throughout hotel room

Joel pulled over and ticketed for busted radar detector

Joel works soft, plays hard

Joel smokes hate pipe

Joel considers starting house fire to cover up butchering of friend’s prized Bonsai tree

Joel autographs newspaper caricature with sinister Joel face and body of a pouched hairless rodent

Joel partially blinded while howling at the sun

Joel uses custom tailor smartphone app to get suit jacket fitted for small gorilla

Joel chalks up Coolidge and Wilson presidencies to public’s fondness of alliteration

Joel’s ineffectiveness as a provider forces sickly pregnant wife to take physically demanding job at pet store

Joel experiences direct relationship between dumbness and time

Joel asks Siri, “Who am I?”

Joel makes terrible mistake after confusing wife for robber

Joel crawls through sewer, comes out the other side in prison cell

Joel fails to seal the deal with call girl

Joel organizes bigoted march on Washington the day after Thanksgiving aptly named White Friday

Joel wonders if there’s such a thing as a male ladybug

Joel inspires terror upon drawing perfect circle

Joel brings baby into sauna

Joel writes the playbook on hiding signs of abuse

Joel adopts violent, clown-oriented rap-rock culture to combat the pain of being unable to compete in the digital economy

Joel stops off on trip home from light Japanese meal to pick up heavy Chinese one

Joel menaced by reflection

Joel pulls plug on mother very early on

Joel uses the gold standard of “10 year old boy” when describing the ideal human buttocks

Joel reads newspaper upside down on subway

Joel moans while chained to radiator

Joel resides with holograph

Joel runs toward pain

Joel emulates the general style of militant extremists without necessarily adopting their views and beliefs

Joel watches baboons fight from safe distance

Joel’s autobiography “Monstrosity” pulled from shelves and burned in religious pockets

Joel pens Eastern mystery novel entitled “The Wrong Wong”

Joel expresses indifference to news shared by pregnant friend

Joel persuades Cincinnati quarterback Andy Dalton to hurl ball through goalposts

Joel stops thinking about tomorrow

Joel purchases All You Can Keefe pass, allotting him unlimited visits to the O’Keefe museum during his stay in Santa Fe

Joel employs the “I didn’t know that was a crime” defense

Joel passed over for lead in political thriller due to sub-par intelligence

Joel tests electric fence for weakness

Joel insists to customer during support call that the problem lies between the computer and the keyboard

Joel reveals soaking wet armpits while wiping sweat from forehead during Nor’easter weather report

Joel foolishly refuses to leave house after obvious signs of haunting

Joel photographed grimacing with eyes closed while getting sacked

Joel reminds women that life doesn’t pause, even for vaginal health issues

Joel tucks end of tablecloth into collar as makeshift bib, twiddles fingers in delight before picking up knife and fork and embarking on orgiastic feast

Joel wakes to discover tears on his pillow

Joel’s McDonald’s shift supervisor confirms mother’s worst fear

Joel rifles through sister’s apartment for cash

Joel deals with recurring boner

Joel has wild time on rotten wine

Joel’s job search complicated by extensive criminal record

Joel falls in love with Korean Youtube eating star

Joel’s parrot asks for quiet time

Joel’s mother regrets letting him choose his own outfit for picture day

Joel likens his defamation site to an impossibly beautiful tree falling in the woods

Joel leaves bowl of candy on porch with sign: “Limit one per child. You are being recorded.”

Joel manages to get a lot of good people upset for no reason after local sherriff goes out on a limb for him

Joel buys used Bronco with bad intentions

Joel gropes around for wallet while performing CPR

Joel banned from nerd’s house

Joel seen hurriedly climbing out of bedroom window in underwear, open silk robe, and CPAP mask

Joel never finds out if Annie from Jackson song is okay

Joel’s particular style likened to a greaser cannibal swine mascot for a BBQ eatery

Joel insists on having a woman holding a live rat in music video

Joel invites friends over to watch “Vengals” game

Joel sends murderous riddle to local newspaper

Joel drives around with “Garbage Baby On Board” sign in rear window

Joel rage-eats submarine sandwich with incorrect toppings

Joel indignant with insurance company for raising his rates after proving to be a very bad driver and a very stupid person

Joel claims retired footballer Teddy Bruschi suffered stroke after attempting to crush unopened beer can against forehead

Joel emphasizes fact that he ate only half of chicken parm sub, omits fact that he also ate half of large pizza

Joel blatantly disregards sage advice from future self

Joel turns state’s evidence against Brendan Dassey

Joel dance-eats his way through county food fair

Joel overhead conversing with stairway ghoul by hotel staff

Joel sets up trip line in Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s office, causing the senior justice of the highest court to fall and break three ribs

Joel comes out of bathroom more full of shit than when he went in

Joel triple-clicks hyperlink

Joel unconsciously logs activity in sleepwalking app

Joel talked down from roof of house

Joel eats slop from trough on Japanese gameshow

Joel chokes on unsalted nuts

Joel runs from scene of accident into woods

Joel tells new employee he’s keeping her on a short leash

Joel given just enough rope

Joel estimates distance between two Los Angeles locations to be about 45 minutes give or take traffic

Joel employs “Throw Catch Win” strategy in Bengals’ 2018 road to victory

Joel subtitles autobiography “Power and Justice”

Joel micromanages barber

Joel haunts murky waters of small town pool

Joel casually picks belly button link through lower buttons of dress shirt while meeting with realtor

Joel uses Google Translate to decipher whether “idiota” is a compliment or an insult

Joel babbles madly in poultry department

Joel’s life divided by before and after he’s stood up at prom

Joel claims his astrological sign is a beaver eating a burrito

Joel adds rainbow to church signage to increase congregation size

Joel returns to scene of crime

Joel offers woman wad of cash in grocery line to not contest price of item

Joel designates separate corners for solid and liquid waste during weekend elevator lock-in

Joel builds fortified Mexican villa where he is free to read Joan Wilder romance novels in peace

Joel finally graduates to Pantene Pro-W

Joel attributes menacing vibe to surplus of Monster energy drinks

Joel crawls back into sewer

Joel earns promotion with heightened energy fueled by microdosing crack cocaine

Joel’s grandmother detects strong smell of bug spray in bag of pot he sold to her

Joel’s ancestors neither clean nor industrious

Joel sprayed in face with oven cleaner by housekeeper during argument about payment

Joel uses coworker’s personal coffee mug despite agreeing not to

Joel too nervous to even buzz once on Jeopardy

Joel misreports amount of drugs and cash seized in bust

Joel responds “demon corn” when asked what his favorite food is

Joel’s coworkers unsure whether to ask if he’d been in a fight over the weekend

Joel too disorganized to join the Methodists

Joel clearly heard eating in bathroom stall where small mountain of candy wrappers are later found on floor

Joel gets all worked up about how Jimmy cracked corn

Joel starts zipper company with intent to compete against industry giant YKK

Joel will be Joel

Joel asks store manager if they have any cheaper eggs in worse condition

Joel seen running hysterically down shoulder of highway

Joel invited to have a seat by Chris Hansen

Joel suffers minor stroke as Snerd ventriloquist dummy launches itself through the air at him from off of shelf

Joel quietly gives his life to Japanese corporation

Joel sneeze-screams at Library

Joel tricked into giving monkey keys to cage

Joel overheard slandering his new brother-in-law in bathroom at wedding

Joel claims his Dad already OK’d sleepover when asking his Mom

Joel likens his personality to that of a spicy mustard

Joel makes things difficult for father by insisting on highly sought after action figure for Christmas

Joel burns ships upon arrival at shore of New World

Joel’s IMDB credits reveal a disproportionate number of references to the words “coke” and “werewolf”

Joel wheels body in garbage bin out to curb on eve of trash day

Joel forgiven by Christian

Joel chokes on dog food

Joel passes out in field of lavender

Joel prepares for Renaissance fair with PCP cigarette

Joel thrashed by ghost

Joel chisels Native American face into backyard rock

Joel summoned by red planet

Joel figures flushing an airplane toilet rains waste from the sky

Joel’s political science major lands him secure job at Starbucks

Joel gives birth to pregnant child

Joel struggles to shake hysterical Indian coworker off his back after argument turns physical

Joel brutalized by shower of fastballs at batting cage

Joel caught rummaging through co-worker’s file cabinet

Joel questions wife about phone number scrawled on matchbook from bar called Cheaters

Joel talked down by hotel lobby staff while demanding more drinks

Joel kidnapped at Bradlee’s

Joel suspects Cincinnati Reds to be communists

Joel backs cat into corner

Joel mishears spy movie dialogue, believing character to be “Double Asian”

Joel secures position as top-level hatchet man for erratic Texas mogul

Joel flexes at Terminal and asks airline attendant if he can get on plane with his “guns”

Joel only waxes on

Joel’s desperate agreement to waive inspection on purchase and sale leads to basement demon haunting

Joel worries he lacks the street credibility to drink Hood milk

Joel beats the devil out of paintbrush

Joel offends other guests with present from Spencer’s Gifts

Joel bows head, raises black power fist atop Olympic podium

Joel visited by Hamburger Helper glove during moment of indecision about what to make for dinner

Joel forced to choose between chain and knife in abandoned factory fight

Joel bets his company’s future on the genius of whiney teenager

Joel chickens out and buys regular strength aspirin

Joel uses drugs and alcohol to suppress pain of unresolved childhood trauma

Joel sexualizes pre-teen to secure beauty pageant victory

Joel says “she is like animal” in heavy Russian accent in regard to woman he observes

Joel hassled by German terrorists on Christmas Eve

Joel peppers casual racism into guest sportscaster commentary

Joel tricked and lured into rehab center with promise of ice cream

Joel forecasts his arrival by loudening grunts and hisses

Joel quizzed by bridge troll

Joel finds himself running in Memphis

Joel markets new brand of high powered binoculars called The Staremaster

Joel cites popular cartoon characters when justifying shirt-only lifestyle

Joel starts hotel chain named Worst Eastern

Joel gets impatient and ends up joining the Sixth Day Adventists instead

Joel able to spell “diarrhea” correctly without googling it

Joel finds second home for himself at town dump

Joel eclipses 1000-to-1 word count ratio during small talk with hitchhiker who suddenly has a nearer destination

Joel holds greasy sausage link in bare hand and gestures with it while telling story at local diner

Joel receives life-changing shock while fishing bread from toaster with knife after unremarkable Ted Talk

Joel hides in closet after scoring bad designer drugs at Asian nightclub

Joel scratches off waist size from outer Levi’s jeans label

Joel comes running out of house fire grasping jewelry box

Joel believes the word history is derived from “his story”

Joel chips tooth while testing to see if the crucifix he stole is real gold

Joel starts making fake sign language gestures at girl wearing hearing aid

Joel wakes up in one-piece pajamas and lights candle to investigate sound of rattling chains

Joel eats dinner from lunchbox

Joel prescribed Screamidol

Joel butters neck after hearing news of serial strangler

Joel completely forgets about Memorial Day

Joel seeks revenge against the weather

Joel protects child’s innocence by removing page in Peter Rabbit where protagonist’s father is cooked in a pie

Joel outdrank by Japanese investors

Joel visibly gaunt and exhausted due to toxic relationship with elderly mother

Joel flips off neighbor’s cat

Joel moves on down to the West side

Joel uses months as the unit to convey his age

Joel figures he likely has a degree from Assumption College

Joel torn away from phone

Joel seen rolling in the street wrestling with firehose on full blast

Joel puts 45 of disco hit Hot Stuff on turntable at 33 rpm while cleaning his guns

Joel becomes half-rate superhero after being bit by weasel

Joel forced to make Sophie’s choice between glazed donut and chocolate eclair

Joel becomes insanely jealous at doctor’s mention of other patients

Joel wakes up hours later still in conference room wearing gag glasses with painted cartoon eyes

Joel splashes water on kitchen grease fire

Joel follows translucent white horse into fire

Joel vomits while howling outside of friend’s housewarming party

Joel repeats “Come alone – no police” several times on payphone

Joel, with empty expression, stares through co-worker while others sing Happy Birthday in office break room

Joel seen chasing neighbor’s dog with spray paint

Joel relocates peanut butter to opposite side of store from jelly on first day as supermarket manager

Joel found busting up basement floor with sledgehammer searching for money at dead uncle’s house

Joel uses childish sailboat and crab stencils to paint custom tote bags for friends at halfway house

Joel stabs crossword puzzle repeatedly with knife after failing to get more than a couple words

Joel arrives racist and drunk to quaint suburban wedding

Joel affixes Punisher sticker to back window of truck to suggest that he’s capable of murder

Joel plays role of flippant police officer who irrationally will not take desperate caller seriously

Joel slips on several hundred marbles

Joel reaches over counter at pharmacist

Joel hires artist to kill his wife

Joel refuses to accept that “Stuck in the Middle with You” isn’t a Bob Dylan recording

Joel cuts corners building straw house easily blown down by cartoon wolf

Joel pushed around by someone even worse

Joel selected for interplanetary breeding program

Joel mutters “Joel power down” before shutting off for the night

Joel tries to secure $15k budget for office Halloween decorations

Joel names Shaggy as favorite reggae artist

Joel grabbed by rat tail during parking lot brawl

Joel deterred from sitting on ledge by pigeon spikes

Joel runs through the shadows

Joel tells large feminist group, “Believe me I know your pain”

Joel asks sports store manager if they have any cheaper children’s football helmets than the cheapest ones he found

Joel tells wife he went into attic to investigate sound of laughter but she knows he has drugs stashed up there

Joel suffers perceived injustice during morning commute

Joel given a tonic that kills most of his insides

Joel stumbles across trove of ghoulish nicknacks in elderly Croatian woman’s basement

Joel keeps observation of potentially catastrophic situation at condo complex to himself

Joel pulled half dead from Arizona trash heap

Joel shaves uneven chunks from hair before meeting to secure small business loan

Joel grows killer’s mustache

Joel kept way down in the hole

Joel walks across metal beam during high rise construction with balance of stiff Native American

Joel roughed up and backed into pond by rabid swan

Joel suspects food pyramid rigged by meat and dairy industries

Joel found wrapped in American flag with needles still in arms

Joel seen dragging large, heavy carpet down back stairs

Joel sprays meat-hose at Vegan protest

Joel reported for jogging through nice neighborhood

Joel takes left on red

Joel shuts off air in lower class mutant quadrant

Joel lays awake hearing growling and meat-slapping through hotel room wall

Joel charged as John in prostitution sting

Joel ingests Dhalia

Joel relieved that it was just cans

Joel spins “Dirty/Clean” dishwasher magnet the wrong way to upset colleagues

Joel adopts fledgling child actor to get at his potential future earnings

Joel goes pill-mad during height of hottest summer on record

Joel dances furiously in abandoned warehouse because no one understands him

Joel lives by the Islamic Numerological adage “No pork on the fork”

Joel late for work after sleeping through blaring alarm clock playing “Start Me Up”

Joel ignores sports almanac brought back from future

Joel claims to be the first Hetero Sapien

Joel throws major fit at toy store

Joel targeted in crosswalk by self-driving car

Joel injured making homemade pipe bomb

Joel claws face

Joel rolls up sleeves, takes nap

Joel lured by dollar on string

Joel wakes up from deep sleep with new instructions

Joel wears t-shirt with blazer in hopes of attracting like-minded psychopaths

Joel buys time

Joel makes off with donation basket from Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting

Joel carefully studies and memorizes Zodiac animals and birth years from Chinese menu

Joel faints in terror at Gatorland Zoo

Joel horrified by implied cannibalism of cartoon pig chef as BBQ joint logo

Joel begins rampage at Del Taco

Joel burps up frog mid conversation

Joel’s memory foam mattress proves to be uncomfortably forgetful

Joel seen leaving costume shop with police uniform

Joel updates his personal Privacy Policy

Joel caught sabotaging guest’s car

Joel walks around with major boner at his parents’ house like he doesn’t understand his body yet

Joel flips house literally

Joel swims through pool with exact mannerisms of lizard

Joel washes man out of his hair

Joel provides made-up name of resident he’s visiting when caught prowling around nursing home

Joel takes low road

Joel lures Peter Dinklage into large oven

Joel continuously burns horse shit to keep neighbors away

Joel draws false, wildly inaccurate conclusions while observing sedimentary rock during hike

Joel tries to package and sell what is sacred

Joel gets shark tooth necklace ripped off by bully

Joel reveals his plan to event rental salesman of collapsing tent to trap party guests

Joel slurs and acts indignantly during key to the city ceremony

Joel shapes rock into crude hand-axe to escape jungle cage

Joel puts emphasis on the “g” at then end of orangutan

Joel orders Chinese delivery in offensive Asian accent, reasoning that it makes him more easily understood

Joel handpicked by duplicitous police chief to investigate a crime that a very powerful person does not want solved

Joel lists “soiled khakis” on expense report

Joel kills messenger, hails unfavorable original source

Joel sings into remote and dances on coffee table before finally collapsing

Joel describes fight between two doctors over his histrionics

Joel eats rainbow colored ham from friend’s mother’s refrigerator as to not offend

Joel sprains shoulder while throwing egg at mayor-elect

Joel anonymously sends information about diseases to strangers

Joel snorts crushed pills while listening to Hulk Hogan theme song

Joel denies knowing who took the money

Joel warded off with garlic necklace

Joel references Yahoo “10 Worst Cities in the US” listicle before planning next move

Joel hastily washes off blood from his hands

Joel eats personal check made out to him at fender bender scene to convey his unwillingness to settle out of court

Joel seen running down street holding piggy bank

Joel quickly deduces that violence is necessary

Joel turns on his owner

Joel handpicked from labor camp by aging Colonel to go back and win the Vietnam War

Joel caught living in Home Depot Garden Department

Joel feels like calling one type of apple a “Delicious Apple” is unfair to other apples

Joel sees the pizza man on the box wink at him

Joel brings fun cowboy vibe to space station

Joel goes through downs and downs

Joel calls police, plays dead

Joel forced into police car while shouting “America eats its young!”

Joel now touring as murder clown rapper

Joel comes out of the woodwork along with all the other fair weather posthumous Garry Shandling fans

Joel watches scrambled porn channel to relive his tween years

Joel rushes to replace tray of brownies before anyone gets home

Joel receives scratchy phone call from the original Joel

Joel watches Eastwood flick Gran Torino but fast forwards through non-racist scenes

Joel thrown from stock car in Laconia death race

Joel has vision of two headed snake with young and old Michael Jackson faces

Joel fears retribution from friends and family after canceling Netflix account

Joel rips off grandmother in pot deal

Joel presents hypothetical win-win situation to CVS pharmacist

Joel orchestrates Aunt Viv switch

Joel stands up during party to propose a toast, pauses, falls face first through glass coffee table

Joel hears plot to kill him unfold while his wife talks in her sleep

Joel stumbles upon his own gravestone while cutting through cemetery during drunk and stoned walk home from babysitting gig

Joel tells Footlocker salesman that he needs a pair of sneakers to win the rat race

Joel enters hospital to finish the job

Joel finds out that it’s actually very unpleasant to stay at the YMCA

Joel quickly draws escape door to avoid oncoming cartoon train

Joel blames killing spree on backwards Led Zeppelin record

Joel deadlifts corpse

Joel keeps driving upon observing police outside his home

Joel asks earth child “Why do you cry?”

Joel includes Tom when bragging about number of friends on MySpace

Joel enters Clowning vs Krumping competition

Joel rarely seen without styrofoam cup of codeine cough syrup

Joel green-lights production of Tom Arnold movie “The Stupids”

Joel revealed smiling as hundreds of pigeons scatter

Joel starts opinionated online mailing list called The Houston Moms Association

Joel chases snake from nursery

Joel too scared to watch New England area food-related television program, Phantom Gourmet

Joel screams his way through neon forest

Joel consumes more than he produces

Joel tackled attempting to tug airplane door latch open mid flight

Joel fires starter pistol at crowd

Joel accepts fainting as normal daily phenomena and doesn’t seek medical attention

Joel throws mannequin off bridge onto highway

Joel sprints through rear exit of restaurant as Frankenstein storms in looking for him

Joel begins terrorizing couple who rents him a room

Joel seen wandering away from hospital with half-open gown

Joel spit on by protesters upon returning home from Vietnam as a tourist

Joel puts off installing Ubuntu OS, reasoning that he doesn’t speak “African”

Joel insists that throwing figure skating partner into stands was accident

Joel explains dog’s indifference to owner’s financial situation

Joel hides among stuffed animals in child’s closet

Joel caught in Superman’s arms after horsing around on bridge

Joel runs across hot coals straight into burn unit

Joel takes random day off in April, claiming it to be “Mexican Easter”

Joel questioned by FBI after bizarre animal mask purchases

Joel asks for second larger sandwich to wrap around his first, smaller sandwich

Joel puts cadaver in passenger seat to use carpool lane

Joel wears powdered wig to speeding ticket hearing

Joel posts bail after getting busted for selling oregano in Wildwood, New Jersey

Joel seen out of control on jet ski billowing smoke with police boat in pursuit

Joel passes out while getting tongue pierced to impress new raver friends

Joel paints rocks gold

Joel’s face begins to materialize on police artist’s sketchpad

Joel thrown off porch into garbage pile by recoil from potato gun

Joel approaches skunk den with air horn

Joel nearly strangled to death by fellow runaway travel companion on wooden raft

Joel gives off unpredictable and dangerous vibe while making small talk with smarter person

Joel begs employees to be honest during survey, then retaliates harshly against unfavorable responses

Joel appears sedated during interview while wife describes life with him as “a living hell”

Joel takes deep breath, closes eyes, starts ignition

Joel sees uneaten muffin on park bench and becomes frozen with indecision

Joel slithers in and out of parents’ room like The Grinch Who Stole Christmas to restart cable modem while they sleep

Joel told by teacher there are no stupid questions except for his questions

Joel uses stink as a weapon

Joel rolls up sleeves revealing visible human bite marks

Joel receives panicked voicemail from mother asking “How much do you owe these people?”

Joel waits in limo while driver chases woman on foot through woods

Joel stumbles into women’s bathroom and passes out

Joel’s eyes turn into spinning pinwheels upon entering candy shop

Joel posts YouTube video titled “Top 10 Haunted Dolls Caught on Tape”

Joel tempts first humans with apple

Joel let go from fortune cookie company after his work reveals a pattern of doom

Joel forgets the Alamo

Joel creates kitchen calamity by putting wrong type of soap in dishwasher

Joel exposed pooping in the wind after shell of port-a-potty gets blown off its base

Joel considered a necessary evil

Joel shows them all what a desperate person is capable of

Joel caught gyrating pelvis during conference call, unaware his webcam was enabled

Joel refers to city council as “band of thugs” after being denied minor zoning request

Joel tied down by doctors

Joel enters arm wrestling competition to win love of son, loses

Joel seen racing away from woman tied to traintracks

Joel spared by supernatural murderer

Joel regularly drinks bovine milk despite being an adult human

Joel asks desperately “What year is it?!”

Joel renames the Washington Redskins to something even worse

Joel posts “New year, same old shit” to social media minutes after ball drops

Joel’s sentence reduced to four cane lashes after President Clinton steps in

Joel contorts himself to fit into vertical Russian puzzle

Joel sought “Angel Dust or anything like it” according to local Hawaiian

Joel claws at locked door at David’s Bridal, demands to speak to David

Joel risks life by flying somewhere he could have just driven to

Joel unleashes invasive non-native critters at each stop of world tour

Joel jerks to and fro on mechanical bull like rag doll while being hissed and spit at by drunk rednecks

Joel sets surprisingly hostile away message on his email during Holiday Break

Joel continues to dominate the Athletic Mob-Wear market

Joel targeted by slingshot

Joel given sweaty wad of cash to exit family

Joel avoids Hostess Cakes, believing them to be made of hostesses

Joel thinks he did the math right and doesn’t understand how it could be wrong

Joel gets wrong idea with at least a dozen wedding guests

Joel loses sensation in both arms for 24 hours after trying to show off with jackhammer

Joel proposes “Soup Living Room” where the homeless can eat on couches in front of TVs like the rest of us

Joel does incessant Woody the Woodpecker laugh while strapped to hospital bed

Joel literally has book thrown at him by irate judge

Joel swallows handful of pills and nods excitedly during meeting

Joel appears to be very nonchalant while small kitchen fire grows out of control

Joel approached and smelled often by wildlife

Joel decides to bring the fight to menacing, elderly rival after encounter with wolf

Joel gets caught in one of many rat traps that form perimeter around his house

Joel begins screenplay with narration “New York: A city with 10 million stories to tell. This is one of them.”

Joel pulls up to stop light in Pontiac Fiero, revs engine and wiggles tongue at pedestrians

Joel turns around when hearing “You filthy little pervert,” figuring it’s most likely directed at him

Joel drinks heavily to steady his hand for game of Operation

Joel spins around and around listening to Donna Summer’s “I Feel Love” before collapsing from drug induced hyperthermia

Joel drives garbage truck into swamp

Joel flips switchblade comb out on subway car and winks at elderly woman

Joel asks in which part of the ocean do you find stuffed crabs

Joel loses innocence during The Summer of Love

Joel thinks former boxing champ Tyson owns chicken company of the same name

Joel wears diaper to limit stops on cross-country drive to stalk astronaut

Joel announces new summer tour titled “Bay of Pigs”

Joel falls up stairs

Joel steps in dog shit, smells better

Joel buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

Joel comes up with bogus pseudoscientific explanation for requiring actors to be nude during time travel scenes

Joel offers favorable review of restaurant in return for unlimited calamari as a sort of “squid pro quo”

Joel uses full $100 balance of Home Depot gift card on snacks from checkout line

Joel tells senior citizen, “If you’re cold just keep your oven running”

Joel advises Alpo marketing exec, “You need to be advertising to dogs, not people”

Joel takes his coffee white

Joel licks grease from his fingers before and after handshake

Joel’s “JOEL” neck tattoo gets infected

Joel wiggles his fingers and whispers “ground-a shake-a” to describe earthquake to another native English speaker

Joel fined heavily for masterminding unlicensed Haitian cab operation

Joel lends car to close friend minutes before reporting it stolen

Joel puts raw steak in pocket before court hearing for custody of dog

Joel rushes to publish dangerously fallacious argument for indigenous peoples’ right to whale even the most endangered species

Joel seen running towards shopping mall bathroom pushing people out of his way with one hand and cupping his bottom side with the other hand

Joel severely disappointed by marmalade on toast at diner, wishes he could go back in time and use the Concord grape jelly

Joel’s presence in any given city increases local crime rate

Joel considers changing last name to Noel for the holidays

Joel coyly asks Hertz rental agent if he can speak with Dick

Joel believes religious former pro football player’s name to be Tim Tivo

Joel invites mysterious fanged visitor into house at night

Joel angers Father Christmas with greedy and unrealistic requests

Joel allows diseased pet rodent to escape his pocket, ruins neighbor’s party

Joel gives timid secretary box of shotgun shells as Secret Santa gift

Joel puts car keys on table to raise bet in poker game, walks home

Joel confounds delivery driver by turning off lights and ignoring phone calls

Joel awakens to find fumigation tent draped over house

Joel attends tech expo under alias Maxtor Seagate

Joel covets equine

Joel makes it to final stage but is unable to defeat boss

Joel asked to leave wedding after demanding to witness consummation

Joel goes to high end mall with group of humorless Persians

Joel contests Charles’ right to be in charge

Joel waves insurance policy angrily, shouting “I’m worth more dead than alive!”

Joel faints after receiving difficult news standing up

Joel claims temporary upside down vision as reason for entering bathroom door marked “W”

Joel becomes object of sympathy in true crime drama

Joel wears chef uniform and smokes cigarette in alley behind restaurant, runs away when spotted

Joel collapses on treadmill

Joel put down like mad dog

Joel tells car passenger to take a peek at gun in glove compartment

Joel causes tea cup and saucer to chatter while standing and shivering in kitchen of good samaritan’s house at night after swerving car into pond to avoid whispy phantasm

Joel bashfully admits to pooping through hammock onto heat mad computer anti-virus mogul

Joel is so far off in his analysis that he is accidentally right, despite reading wrong book

Joel uses footage of early aviation disasters in smear campaign against local political hopeful

Joel’s ill-advised “Kill Whitey” Facebook post returns to haunt him in local election

Joel orders wig in drug haze

Joel gets lethal dose of pills snatched out of his hand by seagull

Joel’s laptop quickly develops Stockholm Syndrome with ransomware

Joel chased out of grocery store for drawing large black X’s on peaches with sharpie

Joel slips on banana smoothie at European discotec

Joel dresses up like Middle Eastern sheik, runs wildly through airport screaming

Joel sent home by school nurse for having lice

Joel exposed for pretending to be deaf

Joel euthanized in tar pit upon reaching age limit of futuristic society

Joel dazzled by Danish king

Joel winds up with quill beard trying to eat porcupine

Joel gets into tussle with boardwalk walrus

Joel sports Aztec poncho and man bun at far out ideas conference

Joel eludes police by slipping into crowd at hate rally

Joel makes appointment with bank to swim in his money

Joel places fried egg on sidewalk pretending the sun did it

Joel squints, points to far away corner of outfield, strikes out

Joel collapses and weeps in walk-in closet

Joel goes overboard with ranch sauce

Joel poisons neighbors’ trees

Joel thrown back out over railing by male Silverback gorilla after jumping into zoo exhibit

Joel tricked into solo SpaceX mission so the world can get a break from him

Joel warns everyone he knows that if you create a Gershwin station on Pandora it will basically just play 20 different versions of Rhapsody in Blue

Joel bullies fast food worker into complicated off-menu order

Joel awoken by team of hogs rummaging through his house

Joel forms unhealthy obsession with bodybuilder Alex Fedorov

Joel asks dinner host, “Pour me a glass of Bitch?” in the voice of Paul Lynde as Templeton the Rat

Joel does nefarious earthly bidding of high ranking evil spirit in exchange for personal sex ghoul

Joel hides in plain sight

Joel brings picture of red squirrel to hairdresser and says “Make me look like this”

Joel works graveyard shift at graveyard

Joel publicly assaulted on Hollywood Walk of Fame by keyed up Mickey Rourke

Joel sniffs and spins around furiously in pile of leaves looking for the ideal spot to relieve himself

Joel able to interpret gibberish of screaming train conductor

Joel returns from supermarket to find car booted with note on windshield that says “You filthy little pig”

Joel piles dirty undies in corner of room and refers to it as Skid Row

Joel thumped square on top of head by foul ball at baseball stadium

Joel writes his name backwards in red lipstick on door in front of mirror during nightmarish hissyfit

Joel uses traditional Western European knowledge and scientific method as cold blanket of superiority during equatorial visit

Joel wears “cat’s eyes” contact lenses and movie quality vampire fangs for driver’s license photo

Joel plans failed erotic picnic in French countryside

Joel sells popsicle to Eskimo

Joel earnestly uses the word “trousers”

Joel assumes most zookeepers are vegetarian but then sees one eating a smoked chimp’s hand

Joel organizes North Shore monster truck rally called “Smashachusetts”

Joel fakes orgasm

Joel develops concept for frigid new fitness regiment called Frozen Yoga

Joel characterized as “demon investor” by frazzled CEO

Joel folded in half by hospital bed after toying with controls

Joel flaps arms quickly like wings while falling off roof

Joel gets all righteous with kid about Frankenstein being the creator’s name and not the monster’s

Joel installs satellite dish in back yard attempting to summon sex alien

Joel says “Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, don’t play a song for me” to co-worker tapping on desk

Joel steals “Shoplifters will be Prosecuted” sign

Joel winds up in bushes after making unwelcomed pass at female bodybuilder

Joel mysteriously appears as fifth face on Mount Rushmore for one afternoon

Joel groped by horny realtor

Joel toys with woman’s emotions, taking her to fancy restaurant and bending down on one knee to tie shoelace

Joel clings to ladder falling over backward during sorority peeping tom stunt

Joel opens low-class, conservative bar dubbed “The Trump Dump”

Joel revealed as voice actor of Speedy Gonzales

Joel abandons boat and flees state after things heat up over parasailing disaster

Joel invests haphazardly in Mongol eagle preserve

Joel signs over wife and investment accounts to Bahamian womanizer

Joel notices pattern in Armenian surnames

Joel feeds a man a fish, makes him sick for a lifetime

Joel uses overgrown fingernail to carve name into church pew

Joel swings pocketbook recklessly while trying to move his braids off his face behind his ear

Joel shoved by one-arm man

Joel discovers corpse in restroom stall

Joel’s rain soaked face appears in child’s bedroom window during bursts of lightning

Joel approaches carcass with intent to scavenge

Joel obsessively keeps patrons’ water glasses full at Thai restaurant

Joel cries over milk still in glass

Joel immediately forgets everyone who aided his mayoral campaign moments after winning

Joel found guilty in kangaroo court

Joel seen power walking with group of older women gossiping about neighbors

Joel sacked roughly on fourth down Hail Mary attempt

Joel sleeps in enormous shoe after jumping over candlestick

Joel orders food through series of grunts

Joel dons penguin suit and only responds to “Chilly Willy”

Joel carries out full shift as waiter at 2x speed after confusing speed pills for vitamins

Joel kicked in head and knocked out while holding board in karate demo

Joel uses museum shop geode to heal cancer-stricken parrot

Joel believes flu shots are ploy to inject tiny microchips in population

Joel easily tricked by fool’s gold

Joel suspicious of brown Datsun

Joel winks at SCUBA instructor on ocean floor, rapidly inflates vest

Joel answers “how do I do what?” when politely asked “how do you do?”

Joel insulted by ouija board

Joel believes person named Ben Dover possessed textbook before him

Joel warned about his heightened flammability

Joel measures once, cuts many times

Joel puts out personal ad seeking full figured woman specifically named Brenda

Joel goes tanning in crude, homemade outfit that only exposes his privates

Joel lies to client about SEO results

Joel tells child the legend of the stink comet that will light up the night sky with its green gassy tail and make the world smell like rotten eggs

Joel trusted Sleepy’s for the rest of his life; now he isn’t sure

Joel orders a “fuctavious” at bar

Joel swallows tack

Joel caught trying to sabotage riverboat casino

Joel coerced into giving wrong answers during Manitowoc County murder investigation

Joel mistaken for gila monster in neighbor’s pool

Joel walks out from behind paper screen wearing kimono and taking short steps

Joel bites into mother’s shoulder on playground

Joel tells friendly tourist family on Tucscon hiking trail that there’s really no need to worry about snakes

Joel thinks Taco Tuesday is some kind of prostitute holiday

Joel has fool for client while filing his own taxes

Joel robbed by child on Peter Pan bus

Joel attempts to kidnap Meryl Streep during rafting trip

Joel sues over his likeness to perverted turtle character in satirical children’s book

Joel hands out ape costumes and plastic rifles to staff at Charlton Heston’s nursing home

Joel admits to not wanting to find the source of his anger

Joel dances sexually in tree

Joel uses local 5k charity race as opportunity to drink dangerously

Joel on constant high alert for potential mate

Joel diagnosed as sleepdriver

Joel’s screenplay “Bed & Breakfast Tanzania” lambasted for being being both unoriginal and completely historically inaccurate

Joel wakes up in cargo section of moving plane with nasty bump on the back of head

Joel cuts off software development lead, saying “I don’t need to see how the sausage is made”

Joel actively looks for opportunities to use the phrase “Indian Giver”

Joel warned about to community by local law enforcement

Joel mates with slug

Joel sickened by reflection

Joel runs out on check at his regular bar

Joel attempts to throw mother from scenic country train

Joel wonders if L.L. Bean could possibly be a coffee distributor owned by L.L. Cool J.

Joel gets walked-in on while pasting together collage for neighbor’s teen class presidency campaign while listening to “Whoomp There It Is”

Joel spits out mild Indian food having never tasted anything that exotic

Joel terrorizes Smurf community

Joel comments to coworker, “Give him enough rope and he’ll hang himself,” about employee they want to get rid of

Joel claims he can take the heat, unsure about the humidity

Joel eats apple with sticker on purpose

Joel catches Hepatitis C from a Hepatitis C awareness poster on subway train

Joel imitates humping sounds heard from mother’s room

Joel loses wits on Mosquito Coast

Joel thinks banana nut bread is just bread for people who are nuts about bananas

Joel slapped after asking woman with musky body odor if he can “get down with the clown”

Joel blows cloud of wizard smoke out of car while dropping off kid at school

Joel comes to identify with his captors

Joel mystified by futuristic scooter

Joel forced to switch seats with other airline passenger after declining emergency exit responsibilities

Joel feeds chocolate covered espresso beans to hyperactive toddler

Joel hazed relentlessly attempting to join Shriners

Joel considers move to sewer

Joel drops, shatters coffee mug upon realizing that everything Ryan Lopes had ever told him was a lie

Joel threatens to “tame American dotard with fire”

Joel caught mocking Robert Kennedy Jr’s voice, ignorant of spasmodic dysphonia condition

Joel hides out in grocery store after closing and binge eats yesterday’s bake

Joel subdued and placed in captivity after reported loping down roadside

Joel sits on egg for month

Joel afraid of coffee grinder, claiming it sounds too much like T. Rex

Joel warned by refrigerator someone might be in the house

Joel caught by security camera stealing baby Jesus from manger

Joel burns toast, house

Joel featured on reality show “Johns Who Kill”

Joel tries to cover up scratch to father’s car leading to a hilarious string of more complicated problems

Joel tries to hydrate bacon bits during last minute breakfast disaster while hosting royal family

Joel diagnosed with restless arm syndrome

Joel helplessly watches cat fight off dagger wielding troll

Joel caught attempting to inhale life out of sleeping infant

Joel relentlessly harrassed by perverted Gremlin

Joel switches things up by bringing teacher an orange

Joel lives forever and pays no taxes

Joel forgets keys at mindfulness seminar

Joel tries to go shopping at Target but keeps missing it

Joel suggests graveyard as ideal location for first date

Joel nearly kills family flying off highway into rest stop

Joel snarls and gets singed from holy water spray

Joel asks friend’s grandfather if he was the carpenter that made Pinocchio

Joel insists on wearing British helmet hat during Safari tour

Joel hears violent armed robbery while receiving acupuncture treatment

Joel lends money to the Wildman of Borneo

Joel eats twin

Joel works double shift on Labor Day

Joel menaced on Straight of Gibraltar by Barbary apes

Joel poked and prodded through gaps of bamboo cage

Joel angrily eats parking ticket

Joel entertains procedure to replace his lower half with that of a horse

Joel takes on Foghorn Leghorn persona for 48 hours after drinking bathtub moonshine

Joel looks at seat assignment on boarding pass for 15th time just to be sure before taking seat

Joel hospitalized after compulsively licking hand

Joel challenges strangers to game of pocket pool

Joel gets lockjaw going for record of most stacked Oreos

Joel scares off lions from wildebeest score

Joel tells a few people he’s dying

Joel dives onto hood of car in church parking lot

Joel continues to knock on locked restroom door while voice from inside screams “occupied”

Joel gets into fist fight with personified manifestation of the human papaloma virus

Joel mistakenly assumes statute of limitations for murder

Joel hunted after airing prime time special demystifying popular magic tricks

Joel admits three clumsy kids standing on each other’s shoulders in trenchcoat to R Rated movie

Joel puts most expensive hotdog buns in friend’s shopping cart

Joel tumbles down escalator after looking back to scowl at cashier who wouldn’t accept expired coupon

Joel continues to fear the reaper despite reassuring song

Joel breaks hand attempting to karate chop through block of ice

Joel cheated by Pygmy

Joel suggests Happy Beginning at seedy massage parlor

Joel storms cockpit on turbulent flight

Joel’s skull fascinates criminologist

Joel shown on traffic cam laughing wildly while running intersection

Joel harbors rapey French skunk

Joel researches his family tree and discovers a coat of arms showing a bear eating a pig

Joel gears up for impending divorce by purchasing copy of Eat Pray Love

Joel pesters plaintiff on courthouse steps for his reaction to verdict while clearly not associated with the press

Joel badgers hermit

Joel seen frantically running down shoulder of highway in tie dyed t-shirt

Joel keeps assuring babysitter that the kid will be there soon and he’ll be leaving shortly after

Joel hosts party with imaginary guests but real caterers

Joel runs through plate glass window chasing laser pointer dot

Joel becomes world’s dumbest owner of smartest dog breed

Joel smothers aunt

Joel climbs out of landfill covered in trash, vows revenge

Joel pays small fortune for pornographic pinball machine

Joel less affected by gravity due to hollow bones

Joel yells “shoot her!” while genetically modified lizard devours zookeeper

Joel told to stay out of station after numerous attempts to infiltrate fireman culture

Joel remains remarkably calm in panic room

Joel discovered tan and bearded at sea, floating on whale corpse

Joel digs hole to China

Joel declares dependence

Joel sees something, says nothing

Joel prematurely turns into full-blown wolfman during waxing gibbous

Joel becomes overnight millionaire after launching site to sell his handmade gewgaws, serves as powerful anecdotal fodder for those interested in capitalizing on the world wide web and in need of help doing so

Joel referred to as a “sleaze” by friend’s stepdaughter

Joel uses the brand name “Land-O-Lake” as a verb

Joel hatches plan to kidnap magician

Joel buys cheapest single-ply toilet paper while shopping for grandmother

Joel tells talent show contestant his routine was “trash”

Joel pitches “Stoned Dragon” concept station wagon at auto show

Joel forced to pull string of stolen pearls out of his mouth

Joel realizes person on phone is crying during his sales pitch

Joel thinks Poland Spring water comes from Poland

Joel spirals down drain of super sized toilet

Joel unearths ancient Joel figurine

Joel told he’s legally dead during physical exam for insurance policy

Joel hires volatile wrestler Iron Sheik as personal assistant

Joel withdraws most of son’s college fund to buy camel

Joel approaches car stopped at intersection with arms outstretched, wiggling fingers

Joel scowls at security camera in line for Six Flags rollercoaster

Joel chips tooth on gold coin, mistaking it for chocolate

Joel insensitively simplifies friend’s gender identity struggle with statement “You’s a dude”

Joel strangles cook

Joel exposes himself and shouts “tell him – he makes all of the decisions”

Joel thrown over handlebars in town center

Joel wears reading glasses to disguise illiteracy

Joel sticks out his tongue to cool down

Joel opens up to therapist who then quickly ends their relationship

Joel struck by ambulance

Joel forced by proud Muslim father to tearfully return backpack he stole from tourists

Joel delivered home by giant stork

Joel loses an entire month’s credits during futuristic swearing fit

Joel eats money

Joel informs police he doesn’t own a dog while they investigate neighbor’s complaints of incessant barking

Joel calls police on other police

Joel crosses T’s and dots J’s

Joel’s parents sit him down and explain that they’re actually his kidnappers

Joel procures island to conduct his terrible experiments

Joel rides elephant into crowd

Joel shares the primitive belief that weather is determined by the moods of his God

Joel scurries off into the brush as flashlights approach

Joel’s face scratched badly by Rod Stuart impersonator

Joel attacked by possessed Coke machine

Joel adds “Midwife” to list of past experience on his resumé

Joel puts snail in envelope, mails it

Joel eats soup with fork

Joel thinks if he squints and looks real hard he can see the American flag on the moon

Joel vomits into canvas PBS tote bag on subway

Joel unable to be put back together again by King’s horses and men

Joel gets so overcome with excitement when his owner comes home that he pees on the floor a little

Joel advertises regular bacon as applewood smoked bacon

Joel stands-in to do horse naying in sleigh ride song

Joel employs Gestapo tactics to lead high school girl’s soccer team to state victory

Joel submits that his own name should be considered a major obscenity

Joel sings Irish folk song while hiccuping after drinking a single beer

Joel takes train from one town with the word “Depot” in it to another that includes the word “Junction”

Joel angered by amount of attention friend’s cute baby is getting

Joel shows up to child’s birthday party wearing paper bag over head with eye holes cut out

Joel thinks the moon is made of cheese

Joel deduces the existence of a White Rob

Joel comes running out of house fire with as much food as he can carry

Joel burned badly by wifi hotspot

Joel physically overtaken by office intruder

Joel comes out of bathroom insisting nothing is wrong despite no one asking

Joel chokes and cries, barely able to convey that his older brother had tried to strangle him

Joel robs stranger named Peter to pay off gambling debts to unrelated bookie who happens to be named Paul

Joel threatens to use hose on elderly neighbor

Joel forced to take a timeout after going overboard with the Nintendo

Joel immediately splashed with hot grease across the neck, chest, ass, and thighs after accidentally entering wrong apartment

Joel carpetbags Hurricane Humberto’s destruction path

Joel knocks on heaven’s door, no one answers

Joel’s lipstick proves to be the same shade found on martini glass at crime scene

Joel taps the book ‘The 4-Hour Work Week’ with his knuckles and says to his boss “Read it and weep, asshole”

Joel spits at llama

Joel tapped dry by zealous hummingbird

Joel alienates core fans by developing concept group “Cherubic Nudes”

Joel gratefully allows psychic to take his car off his hands for free after she informs him a ghoul has taken up residence in the trunk

Joel spits up GI Joe action figures

Joel forces neighbor from Home Improvement to reveal his face at gunpoint

Joel told he talks too much by gregarious Dominican woman

Joel names dog Walter

Joel makes scene when office supply store manager informs him they no longer carry the Brother P-Touch

Joel gets off pot, shits

Joel places wanted ad for a streetwise Hercules

Joel lives in constant fear of not wearing gaudy, name-brand attire

Joel continues to waver on whether or not red wine and chocolate are good for you

Joel calls Uber, Uber calls police

Joel commissions fart-dance at gentleman’s club

Joel screams out to bodyguard, “Don’t let her leave!”

Joel runs across highway chasing heat-induced halucination

Joel witnesses heart attack on fairway, plays through

Joel climbs out of wooden horse, ruins empire

Joel tries to butter up Vegas cop by referring to fictitious crime from early episode of CSI

Joel lures badger into supermarket

Joel pops up and gets pounded in live action Whack a Joel game

Joel denied request to change his name to Trip Shitfield

Joel insists on there being wild sound effects and gratuitous animations accompanying mundane computer task in movie

Joel stumbles home drunk, collapses on daughter’s dollhouse

Joel nervously shields Starbucks coffee cup on opposite side of his body while passing local cafe

Joel serves beer to lifesized cardboard cutout of George Wendt

Joel confuses athlete Usain Bolt with Saddam Hussein during 2020 Summer Olympic guest spot

Joel breaks hand punching iron chef

Joel tells group of youths that condoms “just get in the way”

Joel ‘speaks now’, ruins wedding

Joel finds his car flattened under the weight of enormous nude dead woman

Joel hops on one foot reaching for pistol in his boot yelling “Hold on a minute, asshole” to fleeing crook

Joel throws deck chair off of cruise ship at night

Joel cathartically kisses the ground after short, smooth, incident-free flight on commercial airline

Joel sneaks mechanical bull into Amish community

Joel knocked out by well-timed sandbag drop

Joel discovers rocks in drawers of desk he was asked to carry up stairs

Joel’s children overhear him casually tell new acquaintance he doesn’t have any children

Joel becomes the first person to sue a non-human

Joel scowls and says “I don’t want your money” while angrily stuffing the money in his shirt pocket

Joel trips over painted line

Joel represents himself in court, keeps running back and forth when taking the stand

Joel waits till last minute, misses deadline

Joel launches Hyannis tech meetup called Cape Code but no one attends

Joel comforted by Ptolemaic model of solar system

Joel sings the hook from “How Do You Want It” to stranger on bus

Joel marries Uzbek

Joel bends down to help pick up woman’s groceries but then growls at her instead

Joel’s fall softened by rotten Chinese food in dumpster

Joel nods to his status as high-ranking corporate officer by referring to himself as “a major pervert”

Joel tells shocked tourists, “There’s wisdom in crowds” during brutal public stoning

Joel reaches hand above water, signals 1-2-3 with fingers, then waves bye-bye and sinks to the bottom

Joel found beet red and asleep on alter-like boulder mile down the shore from resort hotel

Joel passes out cold on log flume ride

Joel spotted clinging to building facade standing on narrow ledge

Joel’s feminine side prevents him from buying Just for Men product

Joel grabs frail Ikea associate by the wrist and desperately asks to be led to the exit

Joel boasts about driving to the top of Mt. Washington

Joel terrorizes student driver on open road

Joel’s recent behavior explained by being 6 months overdue for Bordetella vaccine

Joel abruptly told by psychic “I’m sorry, I can’t help you, I’m closed” in the middle of sidewalk palm reading

Joel reaches frantically for glove box when asked for license and registration

Joel stands behind half-baked pseudo-science to push dangerous diet plan

Joel reveals that his favorite movie star is Vin Basil

Joel grasps bridezilla niece by both shoulders and continues to reaffirm “This is YOUR day”

Joel subjected to elaborate prank after taking penis enlargement pills, wakes up in model house with everything 20% smaller in scale

Joel dangerously overserves booze to dwarf friend at housewarming party, is reassured when the little man rapidly repeats “I’m alright, I’m alright”

Joel stops to smell roses, gets bee sting on nose

Joel survives elevator crash by jumping at the moment of impact

Joel quickly fired as police sketch artist for repeatedly drawing The Hamburglar

Joel pulls apartment window curtains closed, finally free of the male gaze

Joel posts to online diary while sledding, calls it Toblogganing

Joel asks car salesman if they have the Dodge Horny

Joel sees in infrared spectrum during tantrum in line to meet mall Santa Claus

Joel slides crude advance scrawled on deposit slip toward rookie bank teller

Joel thinks The Who singer has real stutter while listening to My Generation

Joel appears on 911 caller ID, operator answers by barking “What now?!”

Joel shows off variety of priceless face gestures while hosting The Price is Right

Joel says “why you slippery little shit” to elderly woman who unknowingly took his parking spot

Joel fails dogcatcher final exam

Joel slapped with contempt of court just for showing up

Joel keeps pestereing his mother to watch him dive, but sees her turn away at last second

Joel acts homophobic when offered Mount Gay rum

Joel figures prison is his best option

Joel makes quick fifty bucks from Pentecostal minister by jumping out of wheelchair

Joel thrown from rollercoaster

Joel gets read the riot act by eccentric chocolate factory owner

Joel informed by mechanic of poorly wired car bomb attached to engine block

Joel asks if he can contest parking ticket at Night Court

Joel flexes and sucks in stomach on scale at doctor’s office

Joel stymied by chastity belt during medieval time travel

Joel asks extensive questions about restaurant’s wine list, ends up ordering Bud Light

Joel asked “Did you really think you’d get away with this?!” while being fired from Gap Kids for stealing

Joel invents board game in which the only way to win is to not play

Joel calls 911 during hike, suspects he’s being hunted

Joel’s warnings about southern politician being “slick seducer” fall on deaf ears

Joel brings dress, wig and makeup aboard cruise ship in the event of evacuation

Joel finds gate to Hell after eating expired ham

Joel reported to police after asking one too many questions at hot air balloon airfield

Joel finds “Joel’s mom smokes pot” note taped to his front door

Joel carefully and emphatically points out which tea is yours and which is his

Joel prefers brunettes

Joel busted for minor role in ivory trade

Joel disappoints local community with well hoax

Joel finds remnants of Leprechaun between walls in his house

Joel dangles bucket on rope from third floor for delivery driver

Joel’s mind goes blank after he boots up his ThinkPad

Joel clings to life while pinned between two cars

Joel regrets decision to take part in charity kangaroo boxing match

Joel invited to dinner at Haitian neighbors’ house who forget to put Voodoo doll of him away

Joel stays cross eyed after perfectly timed karate chop to forehead

Joel approaches broken down car to have Spanish lady yell “no thank you” behind closed window while waving him away

Joel calls 911 when stoned viewing of Charlie Kaufman film goes sideways on him

Joel sends agent’s best friend to kill him

Joel disappointed by fabled King Solomon comprimise

Joel develops nasty new snack flavor he calls “Cool Raunch”

Joel returns from restroom to find all of his fellow cult members dead

Joel nips at waitress’ fingers when she tries to take plate away

Joel goes completely incognito after parting his hair to the opposite side

Joel tries to pay for groceries with sack of rubies

Joel shouts “get out of my head!” upon realizing that support person knows he’s lying

Joel tries to convince babysitter that he’s allowed to stay up past ten

Joel grips string of lanterns with hands and clings to balcony railing with toes for dear life stretched out above raucous street festival

Joel falls out of window after struggling to carry bride over threshold

Joel approaches competing business at tradeshow and whispers “I’m gonna eat your lunch”

Joel gets clock cleaned by cukoo bird while cleaning clock

Joel tells school faculty he’s picking up child as a favor to busy parents, panics at mention of password

Joel warns house guest not to go through his shit

Joel has fake little league t-shirts printed to make it easier to sell stolen candy

Joel goes to lobster bake, gets more food on him than in him

Joel says “I have ten years” in Latin American accent

Joel threatens juror

Joel unable to walk straight after stranger blows mysterious pollen in his face

Joel sends grandmother vicious political flash animation as birthday card

Joel gets stink-riddled by fart machine gun

Joel buys mop made of human hair

Joel wears tank top, exposes handprint bruises

Joel found pacing down hotel hallway wearing curtains as robe talking out some kind of internal conflict

Joel tricked into buying bogus rare coin at flea market by woman in tie-dyed pajamas

Joel forms on again off again friendship with stray cat

Joel hit by breakaway jetski

Joel pouts in corner, repeating “you’re too good for this world” at a low whimper

Joel installs step counting app to reinforce sedentary lifestyle

Joel defends elderly woman from purse snatcher, then asks to keep purse

Joel takes both pills described in song White Rabbit at once, stays about the same size

Joel hatches poorly conceived charity event entitled Bowl with Joel

Joel blasts steam from both ears after trying ghost pepper

Joel goes blind for 24 hours after drinking from public pool

Joel and friend scam parents, eat two dinners in one night

Joel frantically operates backhoe at highway construction site with multiple people waving and yelling at him

Joel realizes he’s dead

Joel misrepresents his feeling on issue by stating “I could care less”

Joel angrily refuses floral lay necklace upon arrival in Hawaii

Joel overheard arguing in Haitian creole on cellphone with only English words being “I’ll fuck you!”

Joel witnessed removing neck brace and moving about naturally by insurance fraud investigator

Joel passes out trying to hold breath as long as David Blaine

Joel grossly exaggerates flora and fauna in real estate listing

Joel found dangling in closet wearing coat still on hanger

Joel provides commuter train passengers with a common enemy

Joel brutalized by golf ball sized hail

Joel implicated once his greasy likeness takes shape on shattered glass door pieced together by forensic specialist

Joel makes guess about animal tracks on hiking trail, is wrong about height, weight, gender and species

Joel runs toward and attempts to jump over horse

Joel left home alone by parents, invites poltergeist inside

Joel buys SNICKERS bar with label in proper case instead of all caps, goes into coma

Joel suspects a close friend or relative is trying to poison him

Joel trapped on couch, fearing carpet is hot lava

Joel holds up gun store with gun he bought just moments before

Joel tries to trick mailman into coming inside

Joel has strange burping fit when pressed about recent murders

Joel insists on smoking during flight

Joel smoothly slips several pennies in the trash

Joel asks Chipotle manager if he can spend the night there

Joel goes quiet and takes his pulse in the middle of conversation

Joel wishes himself Merry Christmas, opens microwave dinner

Joel likens his relationship with his cable provider to spousal rape

Joel told he’s in over his head by concerned Sidney Pollack

Joel blames destruction of neighbor’s garden on deer

Joel wanders into lamaze class

Joel stuffs pockets of cargo pants with smaller sized cargo pants

Joel sold to highest bidder at auction of Sultan perverts

Joel thrown from speeding car

Joel makes sound of tea kettle whistle until getting pounded with mallet on top of head

Joel primarily uses search engine that is not Google

Joel reaches toward sting on back of neck, discovers poison-tipped dart

Joel spins yarn about spectral locomotive

Joel knocks on neighbor’s door to ask if they have any hotdogs

Joel peers in on family eating dinner

Joel nearly drowns trying to get a closer look at the handsome man in the lake

Joel discovered frozen stiff in restaurant freezer wearing prehistoric garb

Joel sponsors young Parisian ballet dancer in possessive predatory relationship

Joel panics and runs when asked to demonstrate his knowledge of maritime knots

Joel busted for running illegal dog hotel

Joel likens physical prowess to that of a stone gibbon

Joel critically injured attempting to ride horse wearing carved pumpkin over his head

Joel’s continued confusion between Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman makes him wish they were both dead

Joel’s colleague notices that his planner consists only of the word “JOEL” in small print filling each page

Joel places cutout letters of name on forehead before entering tanning salon

Joel pockets wedding ring upon arrival at sleazy hotel bar

Joel only able to focus on yesterday and tomorrow

Joel cites stepping away from active banking session to support claim of dangerous lifestyle

Joel makes exhaustive list of which animal each of his friends resembles

Joel sometimes wonders about Wonder Woman

Joel nabbed for prowling outside Liberace estate

Joel shatters most of skeleton in hang gliding attempt

Joel faints on first day of work as air traffic controller

Joel sentenced to one year aboard decommissioned submarine after series of harmless misdemeanors

Joel suggests five minute “bio break” during meeting after clearly pissing his pants

Joel lead through enchanted forest by translucent fox

Joel wounded attempting to flee bank robbery hostage scenario

Joel fit for custom perm wig

Joel leaves real name and phone number on restroom wall flirtation

Joel run off chicken farm by hound

Joel caught on surveillance camera licking produce and putting it back

Joel amazed that horse was in fact two men in costume

Joel commits corporate espionage on behalf of Cogswell Cogs

Joel waits it out scrunched in gym locker

Joel feebly swings bat at possessed husband

Joel buys bag of magic beans from drunken wizard

Joel uncovers greedy truth behind haunted amusement park

Joel scrubs Gorbachev’s forehead

Joel suspects tampered drink, wakes up in Papa New Guinea

Joel undergoes procedure to become an albino

Joel snickers at anthropologist’s use of the term “homo erectus”

Joel entertains murderous suggestions from neighbor’s dog

Joel hides key to dead girl’s diary in hollowed out coconut

Joel deters predators by puffing up to twice his size and revealing quills

Joel buries bone for later

Joel blows talcum powder into bus driver’s face

Joel heard shouting “if you bring her in here I’m gonna kill her” in regard to brother’s wife

Joel gets rich off pot stocks, smokes away profits

Joel collapses in Popeye’s

Joel barely escapes with his life after challenging modern street gang to dance-fight

Joel blows out left knee sprinting after ice cream truck

Joel shatters priceless china after continued promise of magic tablecloth trick

Joel returns home early, intrudes on heated game of dog poker

Joel answers door to discover baby with mild resemblance

Joel asks “tell me who… and show me WHERE” to abuse victim

Joel chases swan

Joel cautiously approaches girl’s volleyball team with Federal Boob Inspector card on display

Joel considers opening a Go & Sell across the street from a Stop & Shop

Joel calls bank and issues stop payment on check to babysitter moments after thanking her and dropping her off

Joel envies pet hamster

Joel works his way down the ladder from office mailroom to janitor

Joel gets destroyed off peach wine coolers in parking lot of High School reunion

Joel has stroke while driving

Joel cites long, erroneous list of ailments curable by marijuana after listening to Peter Tosh record

Joel makes up bullshit story about a paralyzed uncle

Joel thinks legendary general’s name was “Custard”

Joel told he’s comprised of the leftover garbage unused by his estranged superior twin

Joel has strange recurring nightmare about Rescue Rangers character Monterey Jack

Joel assumes Beanie Sigel is some type of bird

Joel bumps head trying to chase mouse through small hole in wall

Joel too lazy to pick up welfare check

Joel marks perimeter of home with pungent urine to ward off other would-be Joels

Joel adopts the lean startup principle “fail fast” but never learns from his failures

Joel calmly observes the joys and heartaches of alien civilization through high powered telescope

Joel crouches in silence on toilet seat in bathroom stall as armed lunatic passes by

Joel cites heavy traffic as excuse for being late to work from home

Joel buys happiness

Joel dispels “What happens in Vegas…” adage by returning with leprosy

Joel demands squid ink printer cartridge at Office Depot

Joel sniffs twice, spits once

Joel complains that incidents of kidnapping and housefires seem to have dwindled

Joel rots throughout humid summer in Tampa, Florida

Joel depicted as monster by mall kiosk caricature artist

Joel whispers his name to himself every 30 seconds during transcontinental flight

Joel shrieks, “I can’t swim, ok! Are you happy now?!” to group of teenagers at beach

Joel fails to penetrate moated castle during Medieval campaign

Joel described as “fiendish” by hotel lobby staff

Joel prepares for slasher sale with vodka breakfast

Joel injured in sorority ladder peeping incident

Joel embarks on comedy tour entitled, “Pause for Laughter”

Joel snickers childishly when trail guide spots Woodcock

Joel chased by six white horses

Joel houses, feeds troubled teen runaway

Joel mistaken for rare sea monster

Joel prepares for Indian delivery by putting on diaper

Joel deputized by Honolulu Sherrif’s Department for role in ladyboy sex sting

Joel pinned by dimwitted giant in eighties grudge match

Joel refers to his testes as “low-hanging fruit”

Joel goes to doctor for mystery ailment, gets prescribed a slap across the face

Joel calls child plaintiffs in MJ abuse scandal “a bunch of [expletive] ingrates”

Joel posts bullshit cooking video

Joel informs friend that 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday

Joel chooses food when forced to choose between that or his wife

Joel says “nice try” to Aborigine moments before being struck in the back of the head by boomerang

Joel buys license for obsolete graphics program that only swirls faces

Joel asks old acquaintance to enter her phone number in his phone, later reaches a land line at home for invalids

Joel hotboxes vintage VW Bus with heavyset actor from Lost

Joel disguises self as woman, enters Roller Derby using pseudonym Jawanna Roel

Joel introduces immigrant neighbors at dinner party, emphasizes idea that they come from a “third world” country

Joel writes “boy problems” on insurance form as reason for concert cancellation

Joel desperately prays to Madre de Dios with elderly Mexican woman after smoking laced pot

Joel hired by TSA to sniff passengers’ luggage

Joel substitute teaches for a day, gets hospitalized for a year

Joel presides as de facto leader on island of monsters

Joel makes ludicrous, historically inaccurate statements about King Tut to entertain guests at dinner party

Joel secretly feeds block of cheese to neighbor’s dog

Joel opens mysterious trunk, gets lunged at by ventriloquist dummy

Joel gets spooked, starts stampede

Joel clears his schedule to swallow pills with grandson of pencil tycoon

Joel installs stink-activated strobe light in bathroom

Joel test drives Cadillac into lake

Joel wrestles with literal demons in ghoulish free-for-all

Joel slapped by midget on stool

Joel drags, then pushes body into canyon

Joel looks up and says “My God” after seeing devil-horned version of himself in mirror

Joel puts 0.0 bumper sticker on his car in response to 26.2 marathon version

Joel nervously leaves plate of raw chicken on his back porch nightly for what he refers to as “the monkey man”

Joel lures prostitites into carriage with rare cherries

Joel swipes cyborg arm from high tech factory

Joel leaves a trail of breadcrumbs only to get followed by birds, lost

Joel submits discovery of new periodic element with suggested name “Joelium”

Joel asks his auto mechanic about the possibility of an ejector seat

Joel heard screaming outside office park bathroom

Joel doesn’t scroll

Joel rationalizes burglary he committed of his own memorabilia

Joel interviews for dream job, asks mostly about time off policy and grievance processes

Joel smiles to reveal glistening set of fangs

Joel hides in display tent at department store until after it’s closed

Joel marks possessions with urine

Joel argues he can’t be called butterfingers because he’s all thumbs

Joel nearly chokes after ordering large pie with extra cheese

Joel jumps on the back of girl on crutches

Joel avoids leper

Joel chooses modest wooden cup from aged knight

Joel reveals his age by referring to rap group “Play and Kid”

Joel admits he wasn’t ready to care for Mogwai

Joel raised in black and white

Joel steps on crack, mother’s health improves

Joel’s internet history reveals a keen interest in clown-play

Joel tricks Indian waiter into saying “cherry pie”

Joel eats stone

Joel sleeps in cave

Joel impersonates surgeon

Joel meticulously puts bloody fingerprint on J, O, E, and L keys on display MacBooks at Apple Store

Joel embarks on ominous secret project codenamed Operation Lazarus

Joel bites child

Joel levels half of Tokyo wrestling with giant lizard

Joel gets launched off of toilet and soaked in “foul smelling goo” as thrill-seeking youths blow up plumbing under street

Joel screams at mother in response to stolen credit card accusation

Joel goes on lengthy tirade listing every race he hates starting with his own

Joel uses chopsticks as walrus tusks, chases waitress around aquarium.

Joel blindsided by haymaker

Joel intercepts poisoned date

Joel hears second face on the back of his head suggesting heinous acts

Joel playfully invites female colleague to lunch at Tavern In The Square, referencing it by its unfortunate acronym

Joel adopts Steampunk culture for one regrettable summer

Joel tells acquaintance that he works on Wall Street selling “derrigaboos”

Joel answers telephone by asking, “Uncle…?”

Joel turned away from blood bank after attempting to make withdrawal

Joel opens email attachment labeled “virus.exe” from unknown sender

Joel seen leaving hurriedly from office park moments before canned food drive donations reported missing

Joel lured by scent of pie cooling on windowsill, knocked unconscious with rolling pin

Joel stares into nozzle of gas pump to investigate why nothing’s coming out

Joel visited by talking wolf during food poisoning halucination

Joel grounded at airport following food court melee

Joel sits paralyzed on toilet of Durango bar believing TV audio is live robbery

Joel claims to have seen a Terminator after nibbling on the corner of a pot brownie

Joel uses pseudonym Crab Rang to convey that he’s a goon

Joel makes lude boob squeezing motion while telling reporter he’s rooting for Gonzaga

Joel tells Janis Joplin to ‘give it a rest’

Joel tries to assault mime, is stopped by invisible box

Joel nearly gets face bit off investigating Komodo Dragon’s nest

Joel reveals to his therapist that he sees him as a cartoon egg

Joel attempts to commercialize air

Joel discovers family photo album with pictures of him hatching from egg

Joel robs bank wearing Joel mask, gets away scott free

Joel haggles down prices at lemonade stand

Joel walks on all fours for 24 hours

Joel uses New York office backdrop to take video conference call from Caribbean vacation

Joel secures physical documents with literal firewall

Joel doesn’t understand the appeal of burritos due to never having taken the tinfoil off

Joel claims one-eighth Mohawk Indian heritage on law school application

Joel choked to death on beach by plane crash survivors after several days of fevered madness

Joel burglarizes North Cambridge apartment in desperate hunt for opioids

Joel bites off more than he can chew at Make a Wish Foundation, must name next album “Ugly Kid Joel”

Joel rage-eats submarine sandwich with wrong ingredients

Joel finds Big Easy a little difficult

Joel fries elephant in public to discredit Alternating Current

Joel alarms health food shoppers by screaming “Rabe!”

Joel brings gun to airport

Joel negotiates with terrorists

Joel begins referring to just about everybody as “Money Grip”

Joel bursts blood vessel in forehead benching what he refers to as a “fuck-ton” of weight

Joel kisses mother with that mouth

Joel pressured into joining neighborhood gang

Joel spent months sharpening fingernails into points before attack

Joel has frantic conversation with 911 operator after eighth cup of coffee

Joel emotionally buys penny stock, loses big

Joel asked if he’s alright after soaking wet handshake

Joel suspects in some vague way there’s money in computers

Joel uses Google Maps Street View to solve local mystery

Joel blacks out, plays perfect game of Castlevania

Joel sees the phrase “GET OUT” formed from Spaghetti O’s while eating in haunted house

Joel falls to pieces over moved cheese

Joel eats dog’s homework

Joel acts unreasonably hostile on his way out of yoga studio

Joel updates title to Data Scientist after logging into Google Analytics and spending a few moments looking at some charts

Joel squats over pothole, gets caught in headlights

Joel unimpressed by CT Middle School fashions after moving from affluent Dallas suburb

Joel considers himself hot shit after ordering burrito in Spanish

Joel brutalizes beginner chess opponent by invoking en passant pawn capture

Joel dismisses Ted Talk as “a lot of kumbaya”

Joel feels around for penis in moment of numb panic

Joel names son LaPhonso

Joel pretends to know what rack and pinion steering is

Joel wakes up in body cast at hospital after highway texting

Joel cons a string of elderly women in Sarasota and Boca Raton

Joel found bound and gagged in elaborate self kidnapping

Joel rips microwave handle clean off in rush to get at hot pizza

Joel learns to say “log” after years of captivity

Joel mistakes Asian American coworker for restaurant delivery person

Joel chokes on jelly bean while heckling middle school basketball team

Joel makes fool of himself with phrase “for all intensive purposes”

Joel urged by girlfriend’s mother to not go away mad, but just to go away

Joel overpays for bonsai tree at local nursery

Joel creates “poor man’s zip file” by pasting images into Word document

Joel kindly asked to leave Ben & Jerry’s after attempting to “shine” his order

Joel bets his money on the bobtail nag

Joel purchases controversial knit winter hat with baseball style brim

Joel steadfast in his belief that Joan Miro must have been some kind of woman

Joel orders assistant to bird-dog Israeli Dead Sea Hand Lotion saleswomen for email address and photos

Joel insists hotel housekeeping service make bed with him in it

Joel rides elevator alone after creeped-out woman pretends to have forgotten something and turns away

Joel attempts first cartwheel in 30 years, hand-plants on friend’s laptop, denies shattering screen

Joel grabs cashier by the wrist

Joel thinks Louie Anderson was all time best Family Feud host

Joel spotted running across highway naked from the waist down

Joel seeks crowdfunding to develop sleepwalk murder prevention kit

Joel tells angel on his shoulder to take a hike during moral crisis

Joel brings skunk cabbage salad to friend’s BBQ

Joel subjected to 48 hour spell, switching bodies with giant tree sloth

Joel entrusts invisible wizard with legal defense at trial

Joel virtually doubles in size after hopping on cartoon mushroom

Joel incites cacophony by showing teeth at dog pound

Joel utterly mesmerized after waking up drunk at Colonial Times theme park

Joel receives bar of soap and deodorant stick from Secret Santa during holiday office party

Joel smashes city bus driver over head with museum gift shop geode

Joel uses banana to rob fruit stand

Joel grows shock of white hair after witnessing enormous male twins having sex in Borders bathroom stall

Joel cites partial Irish heritage as excuse for excessive use of the ‘C’ word

Joel employs family of wolves to raise his children in barn

Joel goes into hiding after bungled Bradlees kidnapping attempt

Joel baffles Costco staff by asking “Where do you keep the big fuckers?”

Joel gets mad, then even, then arrested

Joel blames bad sushi for scratching out all the eyes in friend’s photo album

Joel rifles through woman’s purse

Joel intelligibly reads Wingdings font

Joel shows up at clown’s birthday party

Joel kicked in head by protégé, stumbles to piano and plays ragtime in concussed state

Joel attempts to glean titillating info from muffled 3 minute voicemail accidentally left by friend who pocket-dialed him

Joel cites year lived in Tucson during childhood as grounds for over-the-top southwestern motif in living room

Joel suspects pool has special dye that will turn urine purple, still takes chance

Joel drives hour to Indian grocery store to put faces to the names of the victims of his dimwitted prank calls

Joel thinks he’s better than everyone at de-shelling crab legs

Joel thinks fake candle at restaurant is real, believes friend is impervious to flame

Joel places hand in thumbs-up position on seat next to him before person sits down

Joel pats cheeks with salami slices before pressing face against glass door

Joel accuses niece of being ‘boy crazy’

Joel eats week old pizza, admits it wasn’t even from the most recent delivery

Joel found passed out wearing diapers and a lampshade on his head after making a fool of himself at reggae bashment

Joel writes “Lorem ipsum dolor” using Helvetica font, refers to himself as designer

Joel hides evidence of unused screws and brackets after assembling Ikea shelf

Joel shouts “Put your weight on him!” at backyard brawl

Joel suspects local homeless person is ‘some kind of hoodoo man’

Joel flips out over souvenir baby alligator head

Joel rushes crescendo, blows out his o-ring

Joel breaks into classroom, fist-pounds gingerbread houses into gingerbread dust

Joel gets mangled attempting to run away from alligator in zig-zag pattern

Joel prowls outside of home, isn’t sure what he’s going to do but knows it will be bad

Joel ghost writes scathing Wacko Jacko article for New York Post

Joel unnerved by “No Cornholing” sign in Cincinnati parking garage

Joel inhabits mattress in free pile near college campus, infests taker

Joel searches most of world for Carmen San Diego, doesn’t think to check San Diego

Joel concusses cartoon accomplice with frying pan

Joel nibbles macaroons like rodent in corner of cookie warehouse

Joel confuses Desmond Tutu with Pol Pot

Joel puts on American flag bandana to warn cars he’ll break windows

Joel overloads at nacho bar seeking payback

Joel misses deep fryer with turd toss, plots next attempt

Joel pretends to be Twin Peaks fan after barely making it through first episode

Joel breathes onto litmus strip, scores off-the-charts on fecal scale

Joel carves ‘bear’ statue out of redwood, forms burly hirsute image of self

Joel mistakingly thinks end to his depravity is near

Joel irrationally labels friend’s workplace “asshole asylum” before getting facts

Joel misplaces porno mag, makes bad noise at ice fishing hut

Joel leaves camp looking for an animal to harrass, returns to tent on fire

Joel blows conch, assembles group of one

Joel calls police on neighborhood kids getting respite from heat at fire hydrant

Joel ‘feels alive’ after spitting in salad bar

Joel studies forensics show, gets busted by dumb idiot

Joel whips trick in Memphis recording studio

Joel screams to the sky, continues conflict into bowels of public transportation

Joel only lives to get radical, antagonizes War Child

Joel hyperventilates into lunch bag, looks up and smiles at bus driver like demon

Joel slashes face in Jimmy Cliff docudrama

Joel avoids eye contact with mother

Joel sabotages dehumidifier in Connecticut basement

Joel summons marshmallow villain through inability to clear thoughts

Joel cooks horse

Joel yells ‘posers!’ at high school skater hangout

Joel asks ‘Who am I but just de gal dem sugar?’ in offensive Caribbean accent

Joel eats heavy meal before going to restaurant, claims to be on diet and orders salad

Joel wonders if dragons are real

Joel goes home, then goes big

Joel brings resume to Ocean State Job Lot

Joel visits Cromagnon wing of Natural History Museum, sees self

Joel steps on lily pad, plunges

Joel embarrassingly wrong on jelly bean count estimate

Joel plays Road Hog with schoolbus, stymies field trip

Joel faints after pointing high-powered perception at self

Joel goes on and on about Mars likes he’s actually been there

Joel insists that pizza is in fact delivery, not DiGiorno’s

Joel only confronts white females in arguments, says ‘anyone else is too risky’

Joel attempts Trick or Treating in middle of August

Joel readies snake-in-can at Gene Wilder book signing

Joel helps old lady cross the street, then does something awful to someone else in order to ‘balance the universe’

Joel posts “Do Not Touch” signs throughout house in advance of AirBnB guest

Joel stands talking in friend’s living room for 21 hours straight

Joel watches Dean Martin Celebrity Roast DVD infomercial like it’s the actual show

Joel takes forever parking stupid car while tension builds inside diner

Joel attempts to smooth things over with wine-stained cash

Joel registers “Stankbot” at MIT competition

Joel sprints from medical facility after prostate exam shows suspiciously healthy results

Joel uses Nicorette patches to start smoking

Joel demands unreasonable amount of personal data in exchange for download of stale industry Whitepaper

Joel signs up as Uber driver, refuses all fares

Joel caught deliberately leaving baggage unattended at airport

Joel visited by three ghosts on insignificant Summer night

Joel embellishes traffic conditions to blind passenger

Joel hurls ‘corny’ insults at rapper E-40 and Bay Area hip hop scene, gets meat lumped at Oakland venue

Joel caught on nanny cam licking tv remote controller

Joel uses roomate’s expensive kitchen knife to open mail despite being repeatedly told not to because it dulls the blade

Joel sends NSFW attachment to friend without disclaimer

Joel carbo-loads night before nothing in particular

Joel flips directional arrow at fork in road on dangerous wildlife preserve

Joel brings toxic attitude to Scrum team

Joel insists ‘bad boy’ persona warranted, directs reporter to http://www.joelskinsfifth.com/

Joel shadowboxes in front of screen at movie theater to chorus of boos

Joel snarls at elderly couple at grocery store, holds zuchini and two plums in suggestive position

Joel offends humanity with Freudian slip

Joel crashes party, apologizes, does it again

Joel starts twitter beef out of boredom

Joel stares into microwave impatiently

Joel turns playpen into pigsty

Joel combs his hair in a pompadour, like no romeos ever wore

Joel challenges Jordan to game of ‘horse,’ later seen exiting stable disheveled

Joel bonks momo with electrified tennis racket

Joel knows how to buckle seat belt only because of flight attendant’s instructions

Joel orders large group to one side of pontoon boat

Joel sprays skunk

Joel wiggles tongue during CPR training

Joel wanders off trail, hikers rejoice

Joel whispers gibberish at child to derail learning

Joel blames animals for stench at zoo, walks gingerly toward restroom

Joel dares fast food employee to call police

Joel prepares rotten dozen in advance of Easter Egg Hunt

Joel sickens dinner guests with wifi password

Joel plays dumb at Spelling Bee

Joel discovers infestation in attic, gives himself nickname Rat King

Joel enters Witness Protection Program after witnessing homicide, changes name to Jelly Bowl

Joel insists on playing “White Jack” at casino, gets dealer to hit him literally

Joel offends woodwind player by suggesting potential “skin flute” solo

Joel played by piano on Opposite Day

Joel experiments with reverse coupon to concert costing fans extra

Joel lists interests as “Pizza & Dudes” in pandering Teen Beat interview

Joel seen testing limits at all you can eat buffet in fat suit

Joel takes direct flight to direct center of US, orders seafood

Joel quietly commissions Mickey Rooney doll from Breakfast at Tiffany’s role

Joel denied pet store grooming services for “Trouser Snake”

Joel suggests ripping large bills as method to combat inflation

Joel found speechless, alone and inconsolable at abandoned amusement park

Joel witnessed fleeing scene of zoo breakout

Joel divulges ‘Pee, Anno Man’ was original song title

Joel drives rented dump truck through used record store

Joel did start that fire

Joel jumps on hood of car that ran light in funeral procession

Joel stunned passport not required for New Mexico trip

Joel saddened by happy ending

Joel and rapper Drake get handsy on Kiss Cam at Toronto Raptors game

Joel rushes to hospital after receiving viral video

Joel incites melee after piss bucket stunt at Fenway Park

Joel carries tray of hot dogs below waist after concert with shit-eating grin

Joel sits on hand for 35 minutes before performing The Stranger