Joel Skins Fifth
Deplorable headlines about musician Billy Joel
Normal
Random
Surprise
Joel boasts to colleagues about his plans to drink hard at holiday party and then does so and gets so sick he has to leave early
Joel trolls Hollywood producers looking for someone take make his script Psycho Realtor Getaway
Joel 3D prints crying baby medallion to give to pregnant hostess at his favorite hibachi restaurant
Joel waves Nazi flag and crashes U-Haul into White House
Joel pounded into the carpet and sexually assaulted at Round Table Pizza buffet by group of Juggernaut-shaped women who were naturally selected by grueling canoe rides across the farthest reaches of the world’s largest ocean
Joel creams pants
Joel’s front door blown off by package bomb that would’ve killed him if it was placed in front of the garage where he was working
Joel deduces the existence of a Vannah Black
Joel gets karate chopped in the forehead and makes the sound “KONG!” and falls through floor and out of existence
Joel Hungary so goes to Turkey
Joel lashes out at his fans in magazine interview, referring to them as fair weather and Indian givers
Joel wakes up soaked with sweat screaming from the same dream every night
Joel and his gang of mercenaries mount aquatic assault against east coast city
Joel’s eyes keep rapidly darting toward the bathroom as he gives solemn Catholic mass
Joel’s medical malpractice trial has him running out of patients
Joel’s buddy Wanye deep-sixed from open mic night for his reckless and unpredictable behavior
Joel threatens to kill his lawyer
Joel creates terrible persona to mask his insecurities
Joel seen driving in a Subaru Impreza with wild, hate filled eyes, challenging the notion that love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru
Joel threatens to tear up town if not allowed the freedom and space to dance
Joel pens Penthouse letter under pseudonym Little Jack Horner
Joel slowly transitions from struggling to keep track of his lies to not caring
Joel unable to be reasoned with
Joel’s creator begs audience not to use flash photography during exhibition
Joel hides behind fossil until museum closes and does irreparable damage
Joel found dead under massive pile of Ryobi power tools
Joel sees, does
Joel throws hoagie at tv and has heart attack
Joel says that his only drug problem is when he runs out of them
Joel offered condolences on account of the bums having lost
Joel practically incapable of being knocked out because of small brain and thick skull
Joel practically incapable of being knocked out because of small brain and thick skull
Joel’s concerned wife calls friend explaining that he was just there again for hours raving like a madman and now he’s just gone
Joel accidentally kicks reflexology therapist in face
Joel battered by assailant
Joel tells friends and colleagues that he’s in an open relation but his partner just doesn’t know about it
Joel sends a follow up text with 3 muscle pumping emojis after smashing figure skater’s knee at the behest of her rival’s boyfriend
Joel googles “What is the cheapest day of the year to have a wedding?”
Joel found badly hurt but still alive in fetal position after dust cloud settles from troop of baboons that went wild on him
Joel earns nickname Duke of Hurl after puking on Rye Playland Twirl-o-Matic
Joel loudly repeats his name and rank as his hand is held over lighter
Joel hides behind fossil until museum closes and does irreparable damage
Joel flashes piece
Joel walks alone
Joel spits in the face of bartender who cut him off for his own safety
Joel farts a little in his pants while pushing grand piano over onto front row of shocked Soviets
Joel storms into office environment wearing gold chain ready to kill someone
Joel lurches forward toward arresting officer while being sprayed with high powered hose
Joel makes perfect dog yelp sound when getting punched in the stomach
Joel seen arguing with hysterical fat British man
Joel becomes so angry he dies
Joel does perfect moonwalk while being forced to dance at gun point
Joel badly burns ass, thighs and balls on community bicycle with explosive lithium ion battery
Joel spots former KBG agent who used to terrorize him working as a hotdog vendor on the Hudson River
Joel fact checked and corrected several times during dinner by gifted elementary school student
Joel describes himself as a wolf in sheep’s clothing
Joel carefully transported between jail to court house wearing bullet proof vest
Joel livid over latest Undertaker stunt
Joel thought he had all the answers – and now he’s fighting for his life
Joel gets alcohol poisoning while skiing Whistler
Joel hemorrhages money during his peak earnings years on account of being fiscally irresponsible
Joel warns fellow colleagues and managers he’s hard at work on an iron giant
Joel calls his daughter’s generation “inhuman”
Joel sits sullenly in wheelchair and scowls through chain link fence at middle school baseball game
Joel asks his barber casually if he can have the hair on the floor
Joel runs into kitchen wearing khakis and a cashmere sweater holding a cordless receiver and tells wife that he received an obscene phone call
Joel easily put into checkmate by precocious child
Joel spends months learning to read lips but can only detect the word Paxlovid
Joel asks young woman if he can see her monkey
Joel catches COVID from toilet seat
Joel forgets to replace Lorem Ipsum with Carpe Diem
Joel keeps cartoonists confused as to whether to go in a pig or rat direction
Joel impervious to being spooked while horny
Joel breakdances frantically in uncharacteristically fast pace pharmaceutical ad
Joel knocked out with blunt tool and dragged into furnace
Joel makes mockery of that which is sacred
Joel imbued with certain rat-like qualities by critical illustrator
Joel foolishly associates the ability to withstand spicy food with brute physical strength
Joel becomes momentarily despondent and then vocally outraged upon finding out his Chinese zodiac is the Rat
Joel raised to survive and to hate
Joel defaces Bobby Orr card in risky autograph scam
Joel closes his eyes and holds down the horn on his tugboat as it crashes into the side of a large passenger ferry
Joel finds out someone who looks almost exactly like him has been sniffing panties at laundromat
Joel makes movie Staircase Island about man who killed two different wives on staircases and lives out the rest of his days in a delusional frenzy on an insane asylum island
Joel drinks so much he forgets his name and where he lives
Joel blown up in demolition seminar
Joel agrees that maybe two wrongs don’t make a right but figures that maybe three or four do
Joel comes home drunk boisterously laughing as he walks through the door but ends up crying in front of his family and his son’s friend within a few minutes
Joel’s family opts for highway over his way
Joel watches his boat Idiot’s Dream drift away from him as he flails and struggles in open water
Joel murders wife before the ink is even dry on her life insurance policy
Joel too dumb to learn but smart enough to know he shouldn’t bother trying
Joel even uglier mentally than he is physically
Joel argues his way into Hell
Joel thinks “They said I was crazy. I’ll show them who’s crazy”
Joel signals to the market that he’s ready to engage in the cumbersome process of switching to an equally bad carrier with demonic overage charges
Joel withstands constant abuse from cruel rich mother for fear of being cut out of the will
Joel grabs yolk from rival wrestler and crashes into mountain
Joel inflates retention metrics with abandoned zombie accounts
Joel pressures Rubio for quick opiate fix
Joel counts himself included when hearing the term ‘scourge of the city’
Joel continues to be served alcohol well after it’s clear he’s had too much to drink
Joel leaves the bustle of New York for his girlfriend’s rural hometown in Cornwall England, where he is ostracized by the brutish local men and is forced to come face to face with his own brutality
Joel lays on his stomach kicking his legs around while reading the Jungle Book and smoking a cigarette
Joel’s neighbors jump for joy as moving trucks pulls up to his driveway
Joel keeps forgetting how she made it so clear
Joel goes nuts to Lou Bega song at Guy Fieri restaurant
Joel described by eclectic filmmaker as a “loathsome cretin”
Joel seen digging bread out of toaster with knife
Joel pretends to care about soccer
Joel cracks under the pressure during season finale of MILF Ultimatum
Joel bolted and sewn together by maniacal creator
Joel falls down iron spiral staircase on cruise ship
Joel beckons Hogan to the ring by name
Joel sick from both virus and preexisting mental illness
Joel closes eyes and slowly moves his hips to the rhythm
Joel casts Stalin lookalike to play girl’s father in romantic comedy
Joel watches cyborg shoot his mother
Joel frantically rides exercise bike to lose weight night before big Bahamas trip
Joel shot in the neck by needle gun containing large vile of sedatives
Joel mad when he doesn’t have what he wants but then even madder once he gets it
Joel remains silent and motionless in wheelchair as mother and sister visit him at the hospital
Joel shows them what happens when ugly meets stupid
Joel suffers several broken ribs from Hurricane Blaine
Joel hogs the sun
Joel unknowingly starts filming scenes for Tropical Johns 2: Johns in the Paradise
Joel pisses on poop deck
Joel fried up trying to plug in electric piano on resort patio space
Joel cuts the child in two
Joel pens surprisingly well-received bestseller The Fibonacci Murders
Joel behaves like primitive cave person at the first sign of light turbulence
Joel waves phone bill around on driveway in robe and almost begs T-Mobile to come and get involved
Joel’s face seen briefly from front lawn before blinds flash closed again
Joel hates lasagna and the pizza man
Joel has the nerve to be surprised when detectives rapidly prove him to be guilty of wife’s murder
Joel peels up and opens eyelids of mother’s dismembered head
Joel retains Guatemalan chef at his diner knowing that he tied up and poured gasoline on one of his heavy set waitresses
Joel overhears colleagues talking about him and saying “There’s just no getting through to this guy. He’s like a fucking SPACE MAN”
Joel tells his wife that her mother has all the warmth of a Gila monster
Joel ignores consulting physicist’s pleas while making space movie
Joel launches massive satellite covered in diamonds to threaten various nations
Joel worries about what The Lord might say about some of the things he does
Joel all like Que fado que loa
Joel’s nerves shaken and brain rattled
Joel governs race of subway rat people
Joel focuses all his energy on upcoming vacation to Goblin Valley State Park in Utah
Joel binge eats to distract his cruel inner dialogue
Joel’s low intelligence makes him a target to men who want to use and abuse people financially and sexually
Joel calls bullshit on the Farmer’s Almanac
Joel struck in the face at Taco Bell by a stray Baja Blast
Joel uses the email address given to him by his ISP rather than simply using an independent third party service
Joel keeps interrupting Sunday School teacher to ask about the skunks and the rats on Noah’s Ark
Joel posits the existence of an Ed Begley Sr.
Joel offers meatloaf to Meatloaf and asks if it’s ok or if it would be considered cannibalism
Joel recklessly serves alcohol to dangerous primate
Joel smashed over head with coffee thermos while clutching and ripping at plane door by hero flight attendant
Joel slaps cream of wheat on captive’s face after they resist him feeing it to them
Joel approaches woman from behind on the Lido deck of cruise ship with his gloved hands in an upright pushing position
Joel’s mugshot handed to pharmacist
Joel rests case
Joel’s greed leads him to an island of giant lizards where he is the first among his group to be torn to shreds
Joel puts tape recorder of crying baby in nativity scene
Joel prays and promises God that he will go to church from now on if his girlfriend isn’t pregnant, then immediately reneges after negative test
Joel sets his cryochamber to wake him up halfway to Mars and proceeds to violate all sleeping crew members
Joel hastily scratches off serial number from gun
Joel last seen leaving harbor in boat named Idiot’s Dream
Joel complains to his therapist that his kids’ friends and their parents have access to him
Joel maligns victim
Joel tries to tear Terry “The Hulk” Hogan’s face off during charity wrestling match
Joel brought to another day by the sound of dogs barking in Long Beach, California
Joel arrested for riding horse down I-95
Joel hates the members of his own race the most
Joel’s sweaty nerves gives away the fact that he’s a real life human and not a simple helper program inside a simulation
Joel starts to cry a little, but does so while continuing to eat snacks
Joel explains to his manager that every single human decision is ultimately rooted in fear and greed is just another form of fear
Joel explains he’s pro choice because he wishes he’d never been born
Joel leaves child at home during trip to Paris
Joel saves his username and password into browser when logging in to complete security training
Joel described as “worse than a whore” by office holiday party planning committee
Joel prevails over ghoulish challengers
Joel moves into small, dimly lit apartment above funeral home
Joel opens file attachment with .joel extension that cooks his computer
Joel hoists trophy with a naked baby on it and gets carried off the field
Joel dumb but gets money from somewhere to be able to buy stuff
Joel worried his small business won’t be able to make payroll, robs Dunkin drive thru
Joel hemorrhages money during weird little Beanie Baby phase
Joel has idea for app people can use to keep track of their lies
Joel found dead in neighbor’s chimney
Joel denied several opportunities over bad skin
Joel starts nuclear power plant without really having any plan for handling contaminated wastewater
Joel quickly reports his mother for committing crime once he finds out reward is involved
Joel asks Home Depot employee if they sell battering rams
Joel goes to bed in turtleneck
Joel unable to correctly pronounce “feliz navidad,” comes across as mentally handicapped
Joel releases holiday album called Let it Joel
Joel beats the hell out of middle aged priest at what was supposed to be a friendly boxing charity fundraiser
Joel caught on nanny cam taking jewelry and valuables during carpet installation
Joel asks sub shop to use Lorenzo’s oil on his Greek salad
Joel tries to force villagers to mine in sacred mountain
Joel calls bullshit on evolution
Joel splashes cup of hot chocolate at mirror upon seeing his face
Joel puts scotch tape under his nose and behaves like dimwitted ghoul during period of writer’s block
Joel’s cell phone map depicts multiple visits to and from what later is discovered as burial grounds
Joel keeps trying to order a Branko Mataja from the sub shop
Joel languishes in home improvement purgatory after starting jobs he isn’t capable of finishing
Joel stews in his anger until suffering a catastrophic anatomical event
Joel struck by newspaper while admiring the nice weather with coffee mug and robe
Joel rescued by person he was planning to murder
Joel produces space film in which characters come right in and out of the ship without bothering to go through a pressurization chamber
Joel immediately pulls gun on small group who finds out he’s the guilty one
Joel runs into bathroom stall and throws up after lying to police for half an hour
Joel claims he came up with the idea of backup dancers
Joel busted for voting twice for Dinkins, says he would have attempted it a third time
Joel comes home from playing in the woods to find new people living in his house with new technology he doesn’t recognize
Joel terrorized by gang of cartoon weasels
Joel ships toilet troll
Joel finds an ass in the refrigerator
Joel rallies his friends and cousins to gather with bats outside of city hall to counter Columbus Day protesters
Joel joins list of inventors killed by their own inventions
Joel punches laptop screen
Joel asks friend to remind him if they have Grave’s Disease or Hashimoto Syndrome
Joel ushered into jail cell and forced into smaller dog cage inside
Joel unable to return his clients’ deposits because he already lost them on risky investments
Joel skis Mad River Glen and lives to purchase bumper sticker
Joel seen driving Ferrari up and down his driveway and around his yard after permanent license suspension
Joel gets wig blown off by landing plane while sitting on beach chair outside airport hotel
Joel eats trash
Joel gets drunk on communion wine as an adult altar boy
Joel complains to front desk of airport hotel that the planes are coming awfully close to his room
Joel watches security video of himself stealing
Joel seen walking around with hulking Adonis together wearing matching khakis and colorful rayon shirts
Joel shown highlight reel of his ghoulish deeds on earth at the gates of heaven
Joel goes all Carlos The Jackal over the election results
Joel uses meeting conflict to choose the one he wants to attend
Joel starts dating a woman with a frail British son named Nester
Joel becomes jealous and enraged by site of spouse or partner in co-worker’s Zoom background
Joel ashes cigarette into each kid’s lunch to avoid favoritism
Joel peers out at 4pm as the sun begins to set
Joel gets ripped off by destitute landscaper to whom he gave the benefit of the doubt
Joel accuses Michael Chricton’s Andromeda Strain of really showing how the sausage gets made
Joel gets in constant spats with his robotic housekeeper
Joel kicks in bathroom stall door and takes picture of wrong person
Joel agrees to do hip hop commercial for bacon company
Joel rescued by Japanese fisherman, then later brutalized by a few of them
Joel lies about grandmother dying to get paid time off but goes so far as to say she was killed by a great white shark
Joel deprived of oxygen
Joel puts fist through glass and unlocks door
Joel pregnant for 18 months with twins
Joel kills, goes to jail, breaks out, kills again
Joel poisons judges during semi finals of cooking competition
Joel wears a jumpsuit patterned with tiled $100 bills
Joel creates new scripting language called Poison Sumac
Joel seen talking to human sized rat wearing an ornate Prussian Army helmet with spike on top
Joel stopped by FDA from releasing cereal made fully from sugar and corn starch he calls Festive Grains
Joel tied up and held somewhere where there’s rats
Joel tells detective many assorted facts not at all germane to the investigation
Joel rotten in Denmark
Joel threatens to swallow bottle of pills if credit card company doesn’t reverse charges from scam
Joel scowls peering through window at paperboy
Joel found passed out holding Wheel of Fortune branded souvenir pint glass
Joel leaves magic show feeling insulted by dummy but thinking ventriloquist seemed nice enough
Joel returns to hotel to find room tossed by Nazis looking for rare religious artifact
Joel drops dead on the set of Arachnophobia
Joel catches his mother putting small fish tank pebbles in his food
Joel abandons cart
Joel wonders how much one of his legs weighs
Joel gets away with being a therapist for months by just posing peoples’ questions back at them
Joel says his love won’t pay the rent
Joel remembers too late that supermarket sandwiches are mostly just bread
Joel behaves boorishly in carefully designed spacecraft
Joel patronized by Milwaukee police after expressing concerns over cannibal neighbor
Joel hangs himself in hotel bathroom over some of the things he saw while hosting five seasons of Temptation Island
Joel notices his name as a clue in a New York Times crossword puzzle for a word that turns out to be REPUGNANT
Joel tells police their suspect must have been wearing a Billy Joel mask
Joel told by police that there’s really nothing they can do about complaints of the supernatural
Joel’s new album has critics wondering whether the juice is worth the squeeze
Joel undergoes hormonal shift that feeds him chemicals emboldening him to reproduce
Joel begs for an end to this practice of naming male children with last names as first names
Joel opens closet door and gets knocked stupid by bowling ball that rolls off top shelf onto his head
Joel asks only what his country can do for him
Joel’s lawyer tells him his murder case is a slam dunk… just not for their side
Joel gives prosecutors more than they could’ve ever wished for
Joel admits to first two staircase murders to prove his point that the current one really was an accident
Joel doubles down on his nastiness after Christmas ghoul fails to enlighten him
Joel takes an inordinate amount of time off to visit serial killer son in prison
Joel robs bank wearing Friends sweatshirt
Joel votes the wrong way on Question 2
Joel hires his own paparazzi and tips them off to his intended locations
Joel diagnosed with several serious personality disorders
Joel makes enormous bomb out of cow shit
Joel wins murder case and releases tell-all “Burden of Proof”
Joel throws up and makes a very specific “up-chuck” sound
Joel sleeps with both eyes open
Joel spends the night on straw in loft above barn after robbing a nearby bank
Joel sees furniture store employee notice him seconds before doors lock and lights go out
Joel seen sprinting toward data center clutching fire extinguisher
Joel throws pizza into traffic while fighting publicly with fiancé
Joel found dead on roof of his house
Joel’s Gershwin collection impresses local bigot
Joel claims he must be the second coming the way the media’s been crucifying him
Joel asks zookeeper where the gibbons is at
Joel gets pretty scared when Bilbo character becomes suddenly murderous at sight of ring
Joel feels like his life finally has meaning after accidentally killing woman
Joel settles for nine monkeys, unable to secure twelve
Joel stumbles in from behind curtain and collapses on stage at town hall meeting
Joel becomes obsessed with the gemstone Malachite
Joel too sick to die and too scared to live
Joel demands women’s prison as part of plea deal
Joel masterminds string of low value smash-and-grabs on Christmas Eve
Joel beaten around the thighs and torso
Joel works his way through eight book series chronicling the adventures of southern debutante Peaches Bidet
Joel attempts to monetize stolen government documents upon leaving office
Joel jokes “In Russia, Russia eats you!”
Joel admits that his general lack of curiosity and poor memory has led to him not really knowing shit about anything
Joel given assignment to conduct investigation on series of crimes he’s secretly committed
Joel flies Confederate flag next to American flag, believing them to be compatible
Joel uses social media to post a condemnation of using social media
Joel’s texts read aloud in courtroom as jury and gallery gasp
Joel kidnaps child but then realizes he doesn’t have the knowledge or supplies to take care of them
Joel robbed at gunpoint by white woman with dreadlocks
Joel lies about not being involved in any other weird medical studies at the moment
Joel rolls up sleeves revealing cigarette burn scars on his forearms at company outing
Joel didn’t stop playing because he grew old, he grew old because he stopped playing
Joel burns mouth after cutting everyone to be first in line for brunch
Joel photographed running out of deadly wig store fire
Joel seeks autocratic strongman to fix sliding door
Joel gambles with his life
Joel found dead slumped over steering wheel of bumper car
Joel takes push to shove
Joel buys jeans with grease handprint on each butt cheek
Joel asks elderly mother-in-law to loan him $25,000
Joel cooks pot of goo for his bed and breakfast guests
Joel can go on just running away
Joel finds large bomb labeled Crimson Jihad inside exhumed casket
Joel recoils at the sight of dead Amish man crucified on scarecrow post
Joel tailgates those who have traffic in front of them with an almost relentless display of hostility and ignorance
Joel experiences the devastating effects of once-weekly Mounjaro
Joel explains that violence is the supreme force from which all other forces derive
Joel wolfs down two Thai entrees before quickly slipping out the back of restaurant
Joel’s getaway car picked up by giant magnet
Joel able to navigate sewer system in the dark on memory
Joel successfully makes one baby in a month using 9 women
Joel gives ex-wife a pauper’s grave
Joel accused of not reporting his mother’s death and dressing up as her to cash her social security checks
Joel’s skin ravaged from constant smoking
Joel lives a very safe and uneventful life in another country
Joel keeps saying “keep this in” as his talk show guest stumbles and falters at his aggressive questions
Joel too immature to even hold a job at Gap Kids
Joel drops gun and flees upon hearing metallic cop say “Think it over creep!”
Joel seen crushing up pills and putting them in yogurt
Joel’s unmanaged bipolar disorder results in him purchasing real estate in a place he’s never been
Joel disgusted by today’s children
Joel too scared to eat Chicken Kiev, thinking it has something to do with USSR
Joel summons mob to do in his sitting Vice President
Joel climbs out of misfired human cannon covered in soot, deafened and made stupid
Joel offers a fiend’s opinion
Joel thrown down stairs by his doctor
Joel disfigures detective but lets him live
Joel has a series of consecutive marriages where he kills for the insurance money
Joel quips that every cat’s favorite Beethoven song is Furr Elise
Joel hemmed in by overly complicated back story
Joel introduces the people of a tropical paradise to a drug called Crank
Joel’s beef with rapper Oral-B turns deadly
Joel’s expiring credit card causes an infuriating lapse in his subscription to Rash Monthly
Joel hit over head with oversized prop mallet during argument with female stage director
Joel explains the particulars of his “See-food” diet
Joel insists the goons he hired were “only supposed to scare” Fields Medal winner June Huh
Joel uses terror as a weapon
Joel unable to afford copay at Mayo Clinic, goes to Mustard one
Joel found in wheelchair sitting in front of roaring fireplace, dead for at least three days
Joel breaks down in tears and loses control of his bowels as University of Southern New Hampshire coach bus pulls up to his house to hand him his diploma
Joel hates what he fears and fears himself
Joel’s son, Rondelle Joel, arrested in sting selling human growth hormones inside the Lehigh Valley Steel Pigs locker room
Joel killed and eaten by Indian software contractors
Joel heckled by burning bush
Joel swindled by old Japanese neighbor who let him think various grueling odd jobs around his house were all part of some larger karate training
Joel referred to as ”absolute demon” by former employer during reference check
Joel gets valuable locket smashed to pieces by magician
Joel scurries off at the first sight of pest exterminator’s truck
Joel uses Iodine to shrink goiter
Joel likens friend to 19th century business magnate over choice of hot dog buns
Joel likened to a blister, only showing up when the work is done
Joel cites his credentials as a supernatural exterminator
Joel poops through mouth
Joel exhibits an almost tide-like pattern in his dangerous manic energy
Joel keeps seeming confused and then slowly answering yes in heavy accent
Joel blames client
Joel sees police wall diagram of organized crime syndicate with his face on the very bottom
Joel momentarily forgets that Cary Elwes was the villain in Twister
Joel betrays messiah for a mere fifty rupees
Joel seen with pack of gum in his shirt pocket labeled “Goofy Fruit”
Joel tries to warn old photos of himself about Trump and COVID
Joel omits the part of the story in which he gets kicked out of the Merchant Marines
Joel sends text “No police” and then followup text “I’ll know”
Joel brings koala back from vacation and releases it into the Long Island woods
Joel explains that there isn’t any cure for what he’s got
Joel specifies that the espressos “keep coming”
Joel agrees to be celebrity referee at kids soccer game for $400 and a Jersey Mike’s sub
Joel makes it very very difficult for airline to quickly clean the plane and board the next group of passengers
Joel tries to convince small group that the movie Speed was called La Vitesse in France
Joel rises to infamy after consuming power bowl
Joel has nightmares of flaming horseman after “Headless CMS” webinar
Joel buried in his favorite Bathing Ape jersey
Joel scared away by homeowner firing gun in the air
Joel demands three-for-one deal that has never existed at McDonald’s
Joel’s emotional memories strongly linked to sounds and odors
Joel earns the fighter pilot callsign Scumbat
Joel threatens to sue doctor if she doesn’t prescribe him “keytruder”
Joel’s mother catches him doctoring her will after coming home early from running errands for him
Joel described by sociologist as “a capable lummox easily operable with the promise of drugs”
Joel skilled at the art of mimicry
Joel uses self harm to cope with stress and depression
Joel called a “broke ass busted ass bitch” by influential transgender fashion icon
Joel chokes on jellybean while screaming from stands at middle school basketball game
Joel heard in bathroom stall making clucking noises
Joel takes and takes and takes
Joel falls through net with leaves on it into pit of spikes he designed for his mother
Joel attempts to turn Salt against Peppa
Joel asks if these teens are specifically Microsoft Teens
Joel flung from carnival ride into scummy pond
Joel kills one hostage every thirty minutes until he gets his demands
Joel turns around after long conversation to reveal an empty syringe plunged into his back
Joel claims he doesn’t know where his next meal is coming from because he orders from a wide variety of takeout places
Joel explains how he’s become the victim of the tallest poppy syndrome
Joel spits in cop’s face while draped in rainbow flag
Joel’s son, Vontez Joel, arrested for dealing steroids
Joel allows college boxing match to continue after one of the contestants has clearly shapeshifted into some kind of supernatural werewolf
Joel does a series of movies in which he voices a rude baby
Joel gets a serious scare after mouthing off to paleontologist
Joel possesses an almost inhuman vulgarity
Joel struggles with unhinged woman and karate chops her in neck to subdue her
Joel found wandering around outlet stores like zombie after getting hit in head by golf ball
Joel spends thousands of dollars commissioning super realistic mannequin of himself only to throw it off of overpass onto highway
Joel becomes high order interdimensional pervert who can only be stopped by a god
Joel gets booked and processed while Genesis’ “Misunderstanding” plays softly on speakers at police station
Joel reminds us that candidate’s actually name was Henry Ross Perot
Joel looks sullenly out on rainy airport tarmac listening to Genesis’ “Throwing It All Away” on oversized headphones
Joel finds monkey paw in his crunch wrap supreme
Joel tries to out-bid Amy Sherman-Paladino at exclusive hat auction
Joel boasts about his financial worth and his prolificity as a pathological fornicator
Joel equates loudness and smog with superior engineering
Joel’s ghostly prop head on display at magic shop
Joel threatens pharmacist with empty syringe but loses upper hand upon turning it over to fill
Joel puts top of head through ceiling while jumping on bed
Joel’s possessions rifled through by new stepson’s adult friends
Joel out-pizza’s the Hut
Joel’s eyes shine as he tells investors there are no competitors and his market is everyone
Joel leaves money in exchange for children’s teeth
Joel picks Olympic sport where he knows only two other countries play
Joel sees the eyes of a lunatic in the reflection on his phone screen while reading text
Joel stung by hot phone while trying to communicate with the new owner of a possessed home
Joel’s knowledge of buxom starlets from Hollywood’s golden age saves him from execution at the hands of American GI’s
Joel programmed to have a high pitched scream response with a hair trigger
Joel counts sheep until falling asleep but quickly wakes up screaming
Joel claims he can speak Spanish but is unable to translate anything said other than the name “Walter”
Joel uses his proximity to the home of Boomer Esiason as a type of social currency
Joel knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing
Joel summoned by projection of rat symbol into cloudy night sky
Joel shoots buffalo from train
Joel boycotts boy
Joel threatens to eat whole cake
Joel sues gym for lost pounds
Joel overhears his daughter describe him as “some rando” as he pulls away from dropping her off at school
Joel ignores all the steps prescribed for safety in Nightmare on Elm Street nursery rhyme
Joel swabbed for DNA samples in missing girl case
Joel tips masseuse with a used copy of the DVD Double Jeopardy
Joel’s friends Ezra and Ephram not allowed to sleep over
Joel honks wildly at slow driver not realizing they’re deaf
Joel slowly chased by Komodo Dragon while on vacation
Joel inches out into traffic before getting creamed
Joel puts on wig and fake mustache that are the size of his real hair and mustache
Joel scores tiny, unpaid cameo in Crank 3
Joel enters agreement to sell predetermined amount of his labor each day to organization in exchange for money to buy goods and services
Joel only successfully convinced when philosopher explains it all with shadows in a cave
Joel predicts future using what he calls a crystal computer
Joel orders soup and half sandwich combo then becomes angry he doesn’t have a full sandwich
Joel meets someone at a dinner party who looks just like him and knows all his secrets
Joel becomes dry and scaley in the winter months
Joel looks up from steering wheel with demon’s eyes and hisses and snarls at emergency worker
Joel shows Bradlees loyalty card to gain access to drug dispensary
Joel sues wife, kids
Joel seen approaching from behind wielding what looks like a knife but turns out to be shampoo bottle
Joel produces film classified as PG-15
Joel found with trunk full of video games rated T for Teens
Joel tells wife “See, I knew you could do it” despite never believing in her or providing any encouragement
Joel’s preconceptions about travel destination are met with the stark reality of how it really looks and feels while his body goes into convulsive shock
Joel dresses up like British woman in her sixties to gain acces to estranged family
Joel shoots salacious fashion reality series entitled The Lying, The Bitch, and The Wardrobe
Joel’s outward physical appearance becomes more grotesque and ghoulish the more his inner conflicts begin to rage
Joel found frozen solid behind dance studio after blizzard
Joel calls lawyer before 911
Joel goes into office grinning, three days after close contact with dangerous monkey virus
Joel speaks like Pillsbury Doughboy to mask his identity during bank robbery
Joel disillusioned by Hawaiian locals after getting sold crushed glass
Joel locked up on account of being too horny all the time and not knowing how to behave
Joel considered “too ghoulish” for customer facing position
Joel’s brother calls FBI concerned that he could be the Tri-State Fire Monkey
Joel traces several months of personal chaos back to day he enlisted teen neighbor to fix his computer
Joel points out to family member that the majority of all abductions are carried out by family members
Joel struggles to parallel park his grotesque car while tension reaches a fever pitch at his destination
Joel undecided between choosing an earthly creature or something from the supernatural realm for team mascot
Joel drops prescription bottle labeled only “DELUSIONS”
Joel attempts to match wits with unplugged computer
Joel greeted at mailbox by coiled viper
Joel fired from police sketch artist job for depicting a Lego-man-headed murderer that decades later proved to be stunningly accurate
Joel featured in creature feature
Joel gets electrocuted at circus
Joel hires rat to do what mouse couldn’t
Joel begs for money
Joel responds to technology customer’s request with “Appsolutely”
Joel develops ‘cutting edge’ VR technology for education which turns out to be just virtual hands holding virtual books
Joel described by counselor as a manic, sexual mess
Joel’s socked feet curl up and roll back under house that crushed him
Joel referred to as a Doubting Thomas by Peekskill’s Goan Catholic community
Joel blocks several friends with outstretched arm, saying “Forget it! She’s gone!” as they watch his wife drive into cyclone
Joel’s diary makes DA’s case a mere formality
Joel became “capable of murder” after Kurtwood Smith won pivotal Clarence Boddicker role in Robocop over him according to wife
Joel tells family that he’s considering driving over to Buzzard’s Bay to surf Thousand Year Storm, gets hurt by their lack of concern and considers really doing it
Joel seen clinging to roof of car on highway
Joel’s emotionally charged reactions to goods and services make him a problem for support staff everywhere
Joel fired from La-Z-Boy for poor productivity and general malaise
Joel gets tipsy and mouths along guitar solo in American Woman
Joel puts dead man’s foot on gas pedal and jumps out of the way
Joel pushes bandmate aside and flees stage at the sound of balloon popping
Joel adds to the stress of his son’s wrongful arrest by stressing how much the situation is killing his mother
Joel registers multiple Facebook profiles under separate email accounts to more effectively cyber bully preteen girl
Joel struggles to get the stink of his involvement with Wild Wild West off of his IMDB profile
Joel conceives annoyingly positive cartoon robot Optimist Prime
Joel stokes flames of summer of hate
Joel tells hotel manager that he doesn’t know anything about the hotel’s chain of command or communication process but what he does know is that all guests are very hot and angry and they’re all pointing fingers at him
Joel invited to dine at Castle of Greyskull
Joel seen running from gunshots wearing McDonald’s hat
Joel finds his son Levi crucified and barely breathing inside barn, suspects handiwork of rival Amish family who want to sell land trust to chemical company
Joel creamed by physics
Joel pressured by futuristic corporation to return to dangerous planet and recover space eggs
Joel, too sheepish to kill cattle with bolt gun, poisons them, leading to rash of area sickness
Joel pulled over and charged with DWJ
Joel forced to swallow pill at gunpoint
Joel caught on nanny cam at open house examining every one of the owners’ framed photos and laughing like cartoon dog
Joel finally gets talked to about all the letters he’s been leaving for the mailman
Joel lives in prison of prison designer’s design
Joel gets nickname White Hippo in African prison
Joel grasps at straws while CSO outlines specific evidence of corporate espionage
Joel the source of his own undoing
Joel hops on private flight for supposed business leaving his gluten-sensitivity riddled family behind day before major hurricane
Joel carries around so called “Aztec death whistle” at open house and softly blows on it in every room
Joel thaws Disney
Joel’s internet speeds throttled to a near halt after ISP sees the kinds of things he’s been getting up to
Joel nearly gives white woman orgasm and heart attack by making it seem like he was done adding crushed red peppers flakes in his Firecracker Shrimp preparation before emphatically adding another dash
Joel gives woman completely wrong directions to San Jose in a playful bossa nova cadence
Joel misses the point by picking up discarded mask
Joel gets highlights and frosted tips before hitting the streets to look for trouble
Joel ever so spitefully nicks off the tip of his nose
Joel maintains a more primitive polytheistic view
Joel asks his creator “Why me?”
Joel dropped into bright green bubbling vat of chemicals
Joel only interested in hero’s origin story but doesn’t care much what they do once they’re an established force
Joel tries to appear more androgynous than the other members of his Korean boy band
Joel sits under tree out of sight of campground eating stolen tray of hotdogs
Joel appears like a spinach and feta stuffed chicken sausage on wedding day month after prison release
Joel pitches Italian Star Wars including character Obi Wan Cannoli
Joel strokes underling’s hair and says “Don’t think. Just do.”
Joel casually looks through giant case of CDs to find the right music for the drive before putting keys in the ignition while passengers rot in stifling heat
Joel claims he saw brontosaurus sized eye looking in his bedroom window
Joel suddenly feels the need to curtail female reproductive rights as fly lands on forehead
Joel doesn’t understand why the lawn keeps growing back
Joel walks into police station on calm snowy night with “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” playing quietly in the background and turns himself in
Joel described as a boiled hotdog
Joel goes from acting crazy to sleeping on the floor in a matter of minutes
Joel hit by car while playing in street
Joel overheard on phone with customer saying “Sometimes emotions are so strong that they overload the system, with life threatening consequences”
Joel worships Satan
Joel eats for two weeks off of beached whale
Joel, confused and spooked by magician, becomes agitated, hostile, and violent
Joel tells employer he can’t work beyond 5pm today because he has a Magic: The Gathering meetup
Joel searches Amazon for “reaching stick”
Joel brings mold covered mother to closing
Joel selects red pill
Joel shaken awake in yard early in the morning by garbage man
Joel pats his cheeks and says “With this baby face? They won’t even try me as an adult!”
Joel’s body identified only by offensive tattoo
Joel starts loading gun on way out of sporting goods store
Joel and angry sister wage war at each other through rival Mexican restaurants
Joel, fired from three different nursing jobs, starts fourth nursing job
Joel becomes hostile when confronted by news crew about unlicensed day care operation
Joel attempts to gift his chips to nearby poker opponent as hallucinagens start to work
Joel leaves rhythmic answering machine messages for son
Joel left for dead at bachelor party pub crawl
Joel refers to middle aged man struggling against stormy beach winds as ‘The Life of David Gail’
Joel leaves only Dunkin Decaf at AirBnb listing without any warning
Joel cringes in psychedelic terror at the idea of himself
Joel fends off crowd of beggar children with comically large hoagie
Joel driven insane by his quest for a particular brand of sugary cereal
Joel gifts smutty novella titled “Body Talk” to realtor David several months after closing
Joel suspects possible twin switch while grading chemistry test
Joel upsets federal authorities with his flagrancy
Joel gets a heart transplant and becomes a murderer
Joel dangled out of window by reclusive mentally ill pop superstar
Joel’s eyes go crossed and he slips into coma during THX sound effect intro in movie theater after eating tray of pot brownies
Joel technically not wrong when telling police it’s not illegal to look inside cars
Joel’s felonious past sullies his chances for future employment
Joel munches handful of stupid pills
Joel wonders out loud “how do you murder someone in the phantom zone?”
Joel learns a sad lesson that no amount of marijuana will make him good at cutting women’s hair
Joel donates kidney only to have recipient’s dreams reveal that he actually threw a doll into quarry and gave child to Mumia
Joel ties someone up for their own good
Joel normalizes violence
Joel steals from the investors he convinced to trust him
Joel bleaches hair blonde during Son of Sam summer of terror
Joel strangled by possessed transplanted hand
Joel scores off the charts at math test during lightning storm
Joel unable to choose between “What a long strange trip it’s been” and “Wherever you go there you are” for yearbook quote
Joel cites credentials as reverse psychologist
Joel wants only what you don’t let him have
Joel’s weightlifting regimen increases as his release date draws nearer
Joel hires thugs to trash sister’s wedding
Joel corrupted by power
Joel busts through fence and drives into moving plane
Joel overpowers woman’s grip on pay phone receiver, placing it back in the cradle
Joel slowly poisons his contemporary and rival, Mozart
Joel gets confused and frustrated that his friends on the west coast always seem to have more hours in the day
Joel wakes up several hours after throwing patronizing softball pitch to high school baseball star
Joel falls into Viet Cong style spiked pit dug by his nephew
Joel instinctively rips away tubes and wires connected to his body and flees hospital after waking up from ankle surgery
Joel likens homicide investigation to being like an open house but with a body there
Joel tells ad agency to push it hard and target a lower class of customer
Joel becomes increasingly desperate and more dangerous during the final days of Ford Truck Month
Joel performs clapping push-ups while ironing out his revenge plot
Joel develops compulsive impulse to pray outside before going into class while student at the University of Iowa
Joel found curled up with bottle labeled “Fire Water” when concerned friends break into his house
Joel falls for oldest trick in the book, and most other tricks in book, on account of his illiteracy
Joel makes death threat on plaintiff during interview
Joel abducted by extra-terrestrial beings with the technology to travel thousands of light years instantaneously and then crudely probed
Joel cites men as the leading cause of death of women
Joel steals various electronics from elderly mother to fund pill-crazed weekend
Joel fumbles around with flashlight and accidentally illuminates his hideous face
Joel wrongly accused of plagiarism, rightfully convicted of making terroristic threats on his accuser
Joel says “Joel was my father. Call me Joel”
Joel makes bird calls to summon drug dealer
Joel alarms town historical society by mounting “1623” plaque on front door of one story ranch
Joel relentlessly polices his online fan forum
Joel reduces risk
Joel just stands there callously smoking a cigarette watching friend drown in unforeseen home renovation costs
Joel’s body somberly carried into sewage river by mutant penguins
Joel becomes a townie alcoholic after missing crucial free throw back in the 70’s
Joel uses drone to patrol weekend pool activity
Joel claims to have coined the phrase “The future’s always here, it’s just not evenly distributed”
Joel throws large rubber snake at hikers
Joel’s pagan nature aroused
Joel provides food and shelter and leisure activities to goon twins who in return torment and terrorize people for him
Joel begins to fill with rage as regional team flounders
Joel squints at a strange and terrible planet in the distance
Joel explains that his name derives from the Aramaic word “Joel” meaning: one who hates their creator
Joel realizes he now has to kill someone he admitted a previous murder to
Joel backflips and spits at crowd
Joel pours stale coffee into plant on his cramped and messy newsroom desk
Joel has killed before and Joel will kill again
Joel chased down pier by large, angry walrus
Joel begs for money to buy food but becomes indignant when given food
Joel becomes jealous of dog
Joel aggressively pressures neighborhood shops into paying him for protection from him
Joel shown to be incapable of self improvement
Joel burned filming Pepsi commercial
Joel instinctively reaches for hatchet under his bed in a panic after being awoken by drunk driver crashing into his garage cans outside
Joel puts his own name on revenge list
Joel tells car salesman he wants “dog shit” colored model so it won’t show dirt
Joel realizes he has nothing to lose
Joel hastily stages his apartment to resemble that of a non-psychotic
Joel places his triplets wearing red, white, and blue in backseat of convertible Corvette
Joel bribes postman for a peek at neighbor’s mail
Joel’s only crime was being born
Joel shocks anthropologists by behaving like rat
Joel frantically googles “how to buy a gun and get it the same day”
Joel hires plumber to fish out the wig he flushed down the toilet
Joel seen having intense conversation in hushed tones with petrified colleague
Joel calls bullshit on the sun, moon, stars, and all celestial bodies
Joel approached by farmer at rural diner and asked if he’d ever consider any scarecrow work
Joel receives Indian nickname Dances with Pills
Joel’s watches waiter deliver his order of Jalepeño Pig Poppers to the wrong table
Joel knows the only way to kill his pimp is to stab him through the heart while he’s sleeping
Joel shows his soft underbelly to armed knight
Joel hisses and shows teeth after getting splashed in face with holy water
Joel found sprawled out with alcohol poisoning at 4am in grand lobby of cruise ship
Joel humble-brags about his expensive Llardró collection getting “out of hand”
Joel hires film crew to document his violent psychedelic journey
Joel loses control of horse and buggy injuring four at Ashamed Girls rally
Joel wheeled into courtroom in small cage
Joel called “dirt person” by salesman at Tufankjian Toyota
Joel’s aunts and grandmother speculate that he is the way he is because of the time he was bitten by a rat as a baby
Joel sees chef glaring and smiling at him while he eats
Joel finds out on the news that the one cop who believed him is dead
Joel told “You’ll fry for this” by arresting officer
Joel guesses distance between New York and Boston is 2000 miles
Joel tells classroom that twins can feel each other’s pain miles apart
Joel points out that “women” is the object of the sentence “You should not objectify women”
Joel pushes hard for deep discount on a Brother P-Touch label maker
Joel attempts to blow up car with his mind after fight over parking space
Joel caught scraping serial numbers off of gun
Joel boasts about length of his penis
Joel gets fed after midnight and sprayed with hose
Joel sweats when routine traffic stop reveals pervert’s handbook in glovebox
Joel told he’s healthy as a horse, just not which horse
Joel quickly deletes Twain32 folder before police raid his house
Joel designs form with identical submit and cancel buttons
Joel uses novel form of raw energy to publicly euthanize deranged circus elephant
Joel quietly and politely gets up and leaves the play Rent during the beginning of the first act
Joel able to slip past police by putting scarf on his head and pretending to be horny Polish woman
Joel’s behavior described as “increasingly demonic” by coworkers
Joel told to choke on Bacon Turkey Bravo sandwich by angry cashier
Joel translates the story of his peoples’ brutal history
Joel remembers seeing demon’s face before collapsing
Joel finally makes good on his threats
Joel becomes unfocused and loses upper hand to flattery from captive victim
Joel ships river monster
Joel slashes rival’s tires after losing high school dance contest
Joel lives out his days on a reptile island somewhere
Joel googles “Can they take fingerprints from a body?”
Joel asks sales prospect if it was all just a game
Joel sued for forcing actress to cradle rat
Joel interacts with perverted, skeevy animated graphical user interface while hacking missile defense system
Joel comes back from two week Australian vacation dressed like complete asshole
Joel unable to choose between The Nutmeg State or The Constitution State license plate options at Connecticut DMV
Joel unloads pistol into hanging slabs of meat
Joel asks fellow inmate in prison if he can procure him a six foot length of rope
Joel caught and confronted by police officer he’d been tailing for several days
Joel thoroughly enjoys and re-watches car commercial with surprise Christmas gift premise
Joel rated PG-13 for brief nudity
Joel lets it be known that, for reasonable amount of money, he’s willing to make catchy jingle for prescription drug that does more harm than good
Joel runs into traffic
Joel’s last employer tells police “He was like a ticking time bomb”
Joel’s decision to call his wife to the stand as character witness proves disastrous
Joel gets greedy
Joel, all out of options for new pharmaceutical name, suggests Victruder
Joel justifies alcoholism with vague mention of familial connection to Ulysses S. Grant
Joel blames numeric year for host of unusual troubles
Joel confused and delighted when gloves he wore to commit murder mysteriously don’t fit him during trial
Joel establishes his cool, no-nonsense vibe the first day teaching class by referring to long haired student as “Pearl Jam”
Joel panics hearing news of Latuda recall scare
Joel goes berserk at Fall into Savings event at Bernardi Toyota
Joel hammers nail through baseball bat in advance of 2020 Election
Joel caught in locker room negotiating hulk juice deal
Joel seen hammering melons on the hood of his car
Joel dangerously over-serves dwarf patron at neighborhood bar Joco’s
Joel found in the nude
Joel’s problems vanish once doctor prescribes heavy dose of McTarvin
Joel unable to resist using the Gaussian Blur filter in Photoshop
Joel tells used motorcycle salesman “no ape hangers, no deal”
Joel wears security tag on ill gotten trousers like a scarlet letter
Joel absorbs lion’s share of impact in crosswalk collision
Joel adds “Esquire” to his title on LinkedIn after completing one year of online classes at unaccredited law school
Joel no longer welcome in community pool
Joel’s comedy career abruptly ends upon collapse of Soviet Union
Joel actually has been there and has done that
Joel swats wildly at flies that aren’t there while arguing with psychiatrist
Joel presides as self-appointed judge, jury, and executioner of futuristic city of scum
Joel bloodsucks off of wealthy reptile park visionary
Joel watches naked ladies through hole in wall somewhere in France
Joel brings back word from the boys in the lab that the brakes had been deliberately tampered with
Joel looks up with confused smile while vodka and olives pour out of his car as he lowers window for police officer
Joel reads his first book in jail
Joel gets there fast and then he takes it fast
Joel attends house flipping seminar expecting to see a ‘roid-raging hulk lift a house off it’s foundation
Joel last seen paddling surfboard into thousand year storm
Joel told he’ll have to pay negative Jeopardy balance
Joel panics and faints in glass hotel elevator that he was told would be too much for him to handle
Joel tolerates lactose
Joel sets fire to state fair, cooks prized pig
Joel makes his money disappear while enrolling in magic school
Joel knows they can’t arrest him as long as he doesn’t stop dancing
Joel comes into possession of advanced portable personal computer during melee
Joel ransacks hooker’s apartment looking for the wallet he accidentally left in his other pair of pants
Joel paid in chickens for building gypsy website
Joel smoothly seduces woman by placing pubic hair on her soda can
Joel blasted off roof by lightning while trying to fix TV antenna in storm
Joel sends mother on a Carnival cruise then spends entire week guessing combination to safe in her house
Joel tells bank teller “they should put a leash on you” after argument about his overdrawn account
Joel goes to church not even once despite promise made months before while praying that his girlfriend isn’t pregnant
Joel uses illusion and misdirection during financial audit
Joel conceals deviance
Joel fingered as rat in toy store doll aisle drug arrest
Joel places “obscene” Thai food order
Joel rage eats Napa Almond Chicken Salad that arrived instead of Bacon Turkey Bravo
Joel wastes his monkey’s paw on five copies of Beaches
Joel’s morbid shrine to his dead mother in the woods gets discovered by group of sex-crazed teens
Joel waits between crashes of thunder to fire gun
Joel provides a coarse, booming rundown of some of the more valuable baseball cards included in sale
Joel described as being “rat shit crazy”
Joel informs coach he’s ready to play centerfield
Joel exposed over fraudulent Mesothelioma lawsuit
Joel tosses coffee and gets into squad car
Joel beaten at pinball by profoundly disabled child
Joel explains he’s using “the big fuckers” at bowling party, referring to the heaviest available balls
Joel continues to stall client, eventually suggesting that maybe doing nothing is the smartest bet
Joel hires flash mob to invade the home of reclusive, agoraphobic doctor
Joel beaten with sticks by London police
Joel sells vowel for two consonants
Joel’s attorney begs him to reconsider leaving his body to dog food factory
Joel gnaws on salted tire
Joel encircled by predatory lenders
Joel carefully uses stick to put hornets nest in neighbor’s mailbox
Joel was able to get home from police station in time for WrestleMania by telling detectives whatever they wanted to hear
Joel combusts psychotropic flower
Joel hoots and woops while boarding party bus with group of middle aged women
Joel rips sink off gas station bathroom wall after smoking spice
Joel escapes on speedboat after punching bouncer
Joel pushed into the deep end of empty pool
Joel impressed by professional
Joel unable to catch a break when stopped for speeding while naked in his car again
Joel uses his contacts in City Hall to get Board of Health off his brother-in-law’s back
Joel wears prosthetic face to night club
Joel tells police that assailant drove off in “little bitch car” but is unable to provide any basic details about make, model, number of doors, or color
Joel arrogantly proclaims that he practices big city medicine
Joel chased around dino park by bone-wielding ogre
Joel goes berserk at Off Track Betting location upon finding out someone cooked his favorite horse
Joel gets involved with some dangerous lake people
Joe ties up and robs elderly Miami foursome
Joe suffers major stroke while rage-eating Toasted Frontega Chicken sandwich
Joel clobbered by juggernaut
Joel shot down in supermarket parking lot during height of the virus scare
Joel gets dressed up in a hooded sweatshirt, aviator glasses, and a curly ass wig to make some bombs
Joel found alive in woods
Joel not dead six days before his wife marries the dirty dog that shot him down
Joel becomes an unfeeling, unthinking nonstop killing machine
Joel encounters long-haired screaming skeleton
Joel stays inside, hiding from a world gone mad
Joel plays with fire
Joel hit across back with two by four and immobilized by hero Home Depot employee
Joel ignores best practices
Joel terrorized on highway by sleek Japanese sport motorcycle gang
Joel credits extra 20 bucks to purchase of shitty drill
Joel seen standing in his front yard motionless in bathrobe and aviator sunglasses for 30 minutes
Joel nests table
Joel slapped with civil suit after beating murder trial
Joel gains ultimate competitive advantage by partnering with Franklin Covey
Joel unwilling to explain what he meant by “scantavious” when addressing his company’s financial outlook
Joel’s mother signs historical treaty with Hayward Chicano gang
Joel flees scene and goes home and waits until he hears pounding on his door
Joel neither tells nor is he asked
Joel rips copper piping from abandoned houses to fuel his drug habit
Joel grabs wig off McDonald’s cashier
Joel interviews vampire
Joel hires physical trainer named Ron Savage
Joel vows to destroy the straight community
Joel takes his meat into his own hands
Joel affected by a virus he doesn’t believe in
Joel rage-eats full sleeve of Ritz crackers after argument with co-worker
Joel demands more from today’s pornographer
Joel undeterred by the risk of Feline AIDS
Joel tells hotel room service he has a black eye and they need to send up a raw steak
Joel creates an unsafe environment for the minors living in his residence
Joel undergoes extreme weight gain with the goal of remaining only mobile enough to kill
Joel uses Luchador motif to peddle high priced tacos
Joel presses charges
Joel overreacts to clattering dishes from kitchen to keep up his lie about being a veteran
Joel can believe it’s not butter
Joel mismanages viral outbreak
Joel’s bite surprisingly far worse than bark
Joel blames murders on mythical beast
Joel heads home from stressful IT job to sickly wife and screaming baby in haunted house
Joel’s lack of profanity offends no one
Joel feeds booze to noble Okinawan karate master in order to “bring him down a few notches”
Joel writhes and seethes in the drama that always surrounds him
Joel is the dog you get fleas from when rolling around with
Joel wrestles with toilet goblin
Joel explains that Monster Energy Drink is just Energy Drink if you’re a monster
Joel takes being called a dirty rat as a compliment
Joel enters insurance company in conga line with giddy criminals
Joel caught searching his backyard with magnifying glass
Joel argues with himself in the park
Joel avoids Corona beer fearing Coronavirus
Joel located by trail of Cool Ranch Doritos dust
Joel courts mythical centrist voter
Joel remarks about the sickness he’s made to feel by his mother
Joel invites friend to car stereo shop, explaining that he’s making a sound investment
Joel staggers into wedding drunk and covered in blood before collapsing on the bride
Joel’s serious skin disease misdiagnosed on telemedicine call
Joel comes out of tanning booth to find two detectives waiting for him
Joel offers hope
Joel wonders if he already shows humility, can he be humiliated?
Joel screams himself hoarse
Joel caught pouring gas on the side of hospital
Joel believes his baby is more special and good looking than others
Joel behaves like slut
Joel crashes his car blinded by tears
Joel has violent altercation with penis
Joel rolls oxygen mask into first day of trial for sex crimes
Joel forced to dance for Chinese investors
Joel composes symphonic masterpiece for deaf son
Joel asks Jeeves
Joel flexes muscles at dog
Joel delivers crushing handshake to female intern
Joel found passed out holding spoon next to bowl of sugar
Joel asks AirBnB host if he can pay for the damages ahead of time
Joel continues to slap the driver’s side window until woman finally works up the nerve to run the light
Joel compares every version of Little Women
Joel shocks child psychologist when she sees his stick figure drawing of his family includes an added figure with a bloody hook
Joel touches belly of killer whale as it jumps over him
Joel unable to top his early eighties sonic masterpiece “Turd Circus”
Joel wakes up from coma years after saying “I’d like to see you try”
Joel mad that Portuguese isn’t the same thing as Spanish
Joel physically abused by Australian rat captain
Joel spends eighty dollars at Burger King
Joel catches slut flu
Joel goes to the mat with the sumo class
Joel never is able to learn
Joel lunges at rodent
Joel catches swine flu from dirty egg rolls
Joel calls up friend crying and tells him to urgently meet him at Pizzeria Uno
Joel practices business witticisms in basement mirror
Joel serves dark master
Joel uses floodlight circuit breaker to signal for help in Morse code from locked basement
Joel makes a “midnight run” to pornography store
Joel warns receptionist that she’s forgetting herself
Joel tells most men, “You’re a better man than me”
Joel violates HIPPA
Joel seen spinning around in burlap Grateful Dead hoodie with arms extended on the verge of collapse
Joel gets face scratched by screaming Chinese woman in surgical mask
Joel shows gun
Joel pounds on the door of office meditation room
Joel finishes last despite being bad guy
Joel lifts himself up from laying down face first in puddle of mud and reveals red glowing eyes
Joel offers espresso to excited puppy
Joel starts small exporting business selling American blue jeans to Russia
Joel’s dandruff ruins his chances with woman at supermarket
Joel keeps running and stays upright rigidly after getting caught on fire
Joel trampled at Dress Barn clearance sale
Joel feels 13 or 14 hands on him while getting extradited from Indonesia
Joel seen panning for gold in winter runoff next to shopping plaza
Joel retreats to cave system
Joel overpowered by heavyset child
Joel hastily chooses his 5 free CD’s while signing up for Colombia Music Club
Joel considered low down by some pretty low down people
Joel wigs out after taking Latuda
Joel continues to wear suspenders after the invention of the belt
Joel informs his handlers that his mother is now “cut off”
Joel kicked off astronaut mission over suspicion of measles
Joel seen flying hang glider leading flock of geese
Joel prone to hysterics
Joel contracts unhinged social outcast to sabotage rival
Joel posts bogus claim in company-wide Slack channel that he got salmonella poisoning from the office catered lunch
Joel carries eyeglasses with him at all times in the event that he needs to quickly put them on and appeal to the leniency of someone he’s driven to violence
Joel crawls out of large suitcase on moving conveyor belt in front of stunned red-eye passengers
Joel leaks salacious rumors about himself to the press to get out of upcoming anti-bullying campaign commitments
Joel claims there were multiple Stephen Hawkings
Joel reasonably not guilty of third identical staircase death of a wife in his house
Joel and Boz Scaggs wrestle and crash through sliding glass door at San Francisco Pelosi fundraiser hosted by a convicted murderer
Joel makes drunken, impulsive purchase of exotic bird that has 90 year lifespan
Joel stuffs his volunteer firefighter jacket and helmet into garbage can and flees with civilians while other first responders continue to make their way into burning shopping mall
Joel inspired by long line of depraved, misogynistic leading male Hollywood roles
Joel sneaks into local high school girls’ field hockey practice to tell goalie he slept with her father
Joel undergoes procedure making his Before picture look far better
Joel develops Slavic accent after being hit with crowbar
Joel devours tupperware full of spaghetti on public bus, getting speckles of tomato sauce on person sitting next to him
Joel savaged by pack of goons
Joel’s mother reminds him that if he had just married Sid Seidelman none of this would have happened
Joel doesn’t pardon pun
Joel quietly chuckles about a Ducktales episode he saw 30 years ago
Joel signs up as Uber driver with intent to kill
Joel rips out nose hair in order to tear up during funeral
Joel demands more star wipes from wedding videographer
Joel unknowingly provides DNA sample by discarding soda can in interrogation room
Joel fed answers via earpiece in soundproof booth on gameshow
Joel sponsors event where alcohol is distributed to horny realtors
Joel digs himself out to terrify the living
Joel honors code of trust between him and tiny bird that cleans his teeth
Joel marries mother-in-law at behest of satanic focus group
Joel lawyers up
Joel’s wrist grabbed from behind the dairy freezer while choosing eggs
Joel holds naked killer at gun point but let’s him get away before police arrive
Joel lives for the chance to use violence
Joel demands more out of his footwear
Joel dies and comes back to life in his sleep
Joel spoils movie by accidentally calling it Meet Joe Death
Joel spooked by holy ghost
Joel keeps bottle labeled “Slime” on his nightstand
Joel smashes tv store window during height of 2019 vape scare
Joel does something that really sets off the baboons at space station
Joel beaten by group of whites
Joel smells fear
Joel repeatedly told “Get out of here” by screaming fat white man with female voice
Joel crashes through impound lot gate towing trolly-car hotdog stand
Joel falls asleep holding lit cigarette
Joel has flashback to black tie corporate event where Caribbean style music is playing and a few powerful people want him dead
Joel waits patiently for neighbors to go on vacation to rip the siding from their home
Joel joins effort to rescue child in well and doesn’t disclose that he put her down there
Joel poisons hundreds with murderous jam
Joel finishes first because he’s far from nice
Joel makes a god-damned fool of himself at company picnic
Joel rips off bead necklace and says if anyone steps on any of the beads his gang will kill them
Joel caught drawing crude penis on neighbor’s lawn with weed killer
Joel finally does something he can’t take back
Joel plays it straight for once in his life
Joel described as one cool customer by local pimp to detective
Joel cheats on wife with his secretary from Fidelity
Joel collapses after blind wine rage
Joel leads round of user tests with shameless bias
Joel concealed in darkness
Joel told to stay away from doctor
Joel stops walking and starts chewing gum
Joel’s last log entry reads “8:05 pm – Then most severe crisis…”
Joel blinded by Syracuse-Clemson orange overload
Joel flees from burning pharmacy with pillowcase full of pills
Joel shown screenshots of evidence against him
Joel uses Facebook to pinpoint woman’s location
Joel entranced by Satanic mold
Joel appointed leader of brute squad
Joel presides as jungle monarch
Joel wakes up screaming
Joel won’t stop until he’s dead or in jail
Joel captured by the sand people
Joel puts together makeshift woodland shrine for mother’s rotting head
Joel grabs child by arm and whispers terms of extravagant bribe for candy manufacturer’s secret recipe
Joel somehow gets out of his cage
Joel applies to job under the assumed name DeHartford Throbbins
Joel’s mother warned she was pregnant with demon
Joel wriggles down chimney with sack of bones
Joel leaves car on train tracks
Joel smashes square peg into round hole
Joel salts fist
Joel becomes far more pleasant after washing handful of pills down with tequila
Joel attempts to wrestle infant out of mother in stolen labcoat
Joel hears hoofbeats and assumes zebras – not horses
Joel plays his cards wrong
Joel shouts that we haven’t seen the worst of him
Joel fires rocket at news helicopter
Joel pitches reality show “Kielbasa Island”
Joel stuffed into trunk
Joel disproves the saying that you only regret the things you don’t do
Joel borrows meat
Joel would have gotten away with it if he didn’t go back to admire his work
Joel given special privileges for his ability to cure the Tsar’s son’s hemophilia
Joel replaced by robot
Joel overheard calling several local costume shops in search of “bulletproof gorilla suit”
Joel violates the unspoken agreement by not showing his
Joel googles tips for getting behind the pharmacy counter
Joel discovers the dirty truth that there is no Ken Griffey Senior
Joel uses the term “urban” to signify “black”
Joel sticks out his tongue and wiggles it
Joel breaks child’s neck while coaching wrestling
Joel’s detective agency currently limited to serving Greater Tulsa
Joel asks if there are any cheaper plans than Bronze
Joel scans showroom, chooses salesperson who was clearly at one point the victim of a throat slashing
Joel agrees to confront Minotaur at center of labyrinth
Joel forced to grapple with an even nastier version of himself at high school reunion
Joel conducts A/B test on his testicles
Joel forces timid employee to drink
Joel hit hard across the back with wrestling championship belt
Joel quits job at Duchess during first shift
Joel spends his time in prison getting stronger and angrier
Joel gets himself in the conversation of front-runners for town dump’s member of the year award
Joel still remembers his Prodigy username: TJCT001
Joel goes into his Windows Twain32 folder and starts deleting shit when his scanner doesn’t work
Joel marries chicken
Joel burns himself with lighter to earn villain’s trust
Joel changes his tune once he finds out there’s money involved
Joel fires back
Joel spends two hours watching 60 Minutes
Joel etches Code of Hammurabi text into mirror of office bathroom
Joel discovers his inner child is actually an adult midget
Joel tells Mom the babysitter’s dead despite being told not to
Joel studies how to open all of the current decade’s top selling cars’ trunks from the inside
Joel goes right back to hoarding hours after the camera crews and cleaning crew heads out
Joel experiences theistic hysteria after an unidentified tincture leaks onto his skin
Joel shows up to volunteer at women’s shelter wearing colorful leather jacket adorned with multiple state lottery logos
Joel thrown over bar into mirrored shelves by famous obese twins
Joel wheeled out in jail wagon past boy selling newspapers with headline “JOEL GUILTY”
Joel killed after missing work deadline
Joel preys upon the weakest of us
Joel accuses ER doctor of breaking Hippocratic Oath for determining he is mentally fit enough for jail in the early morning hours after destroying merchandise and harassing employee at convenience store
Joel tells 5 year old nephew “You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain”
Joel rips air conditioner unit from window to gain access
Joel gets CRT TV set broken over his head upon entering house
Joel loved by imagined God
Joel pumps down at the stables for Penthouse spread
Joel snarls and growls with frothy mouth
Joel describes himself as someone who needs to issue a lot of warnings to people
Joel operates right-leaning disinformation blog under pseudonym Little Jack Horner
Joel plunges dagger into back of man wearing toga and olive leaf crown
Joel screams bloody murder
Joel maneuvers office beauracracy with the precision of a horny mechanical bull operator
Joel tells friend “You’re busted” at start of intervention
Joel changes the trailing “and 00/100 cents” to “and 100/100 cents” to squeeze an extra buck out of personal check from mother
Joel hauled off to the pen for burning down neighbor’s she-shed
Joel whispers “Talk is cheap” before ramming tollbooth
Joel cuckolds typographer
Joel fooled by imitation crab
Joel saves money by shopping at Half Foods
Joel gets hideously unflattering breakup haircut
Joel recruited by the FBI cause he knows how a killer thinks
Joel’s killing patterns reveal map-pin pentagram
Joel struck by thunder
Joel fired for heavy on-the-job drug use
Joel attempts to salvage pride
Joel pins housing association rejection letter above his bomb-making work area
Joel keeps snubnose revolver in office desk drawer
Joel moves out of house on Hope Street
Joel speaks in third person while defending himself in murder trial
Joel thrown like rag doll
Joel asked if he’s okay multiple times during meeting
Joel claims there exists a Planet Caldor
Joel prescribes two courses of action suiter should take depending on wealth level of love interest’s father
Joel demands boy
Joel stares angrily into arcade game screen, manhandling joystick and ignoring friend’s pleas for forgiveness
Joel drags in canvas sack full of bones
Joel enters in cloud of sulfur
Joel puts skin in game
Joel starts poultry enterprise called Tuna of the Land
Joel cautions the scheming Stovetop Stuffing kids about the dangers of overeating
Joel turns the tables by paying would-be assassin double to kill who hired him
Joel busts up union at San Francisco fortune cookie factory
Joel buys lifetime supply of deadly pills
Joel arrested attempting to dig up John Hancock’s grave
Joel opens Peekskill New York cafe named Cup ‘o Joel
Joel fights to protect Joel v. Wade
Joel salivates at sound of bell
Joel finds out his favorite cereal brand is an anagram of his name
Joel watches pot, goes hungry
Joel suggests that anxiety based innovation is the future, in pre-recorded video
Joel runs wild with stolen credit card
Joel rushed to hospital after wolfing down molten hot Mama Celeste pizza
Joel regards his prolificacy as an effective creator and communicator of visual ideas at the level of ancient Shamanic pansexual mysticism
Joel’s lack of quality sleep linked to the static hum from the dozen security cam video monitors in his bedroom
Joel dismisses innovative scatter plot visualization of cholera outbreak centered around infected water pump, blames situation simply on “foul air”
Joel’s retirement plan is to be taken away by wealthy John
Joel tips hotel maid in drugs
Joel’s credit card expires, causing a lapse in his subscription of Skanks Monthly
Joel deduces the killer’s race as Caucasian due to the dramatic and heinous nature of the crimes
Joel looks at finger that is pointing to the moon, misses all of the heavenly glory
Joel terrorized by his animated shadow
Joel does book report on Larry Bird
Joel switches up his meds after complaining that things felt just too steady
Joel finally clears his name after years in the prison law library
Joel terrorizes children from storm drain
Joel only sorry about getting caught
Joel eats his way through Chinatown
Joel disables comments in blogging software after flood of hate
Joel mistakes judge’s orders, enrolls in AAA instead of AA
Joel plays off seizure as deliberate dance move in front of strobe lights at night club
Joel becomes psychoactive
Joel buys extra life
Joel runs into bank with sausages strapped to his chest
Joel falls out of top row Hollywood square
Joel’s values exist only on his corporate website
Joel admits that what gets lost in his stories are the victims
Joel becomes major person of interest in missing girl case
Joel embodies masculine ideal
Joel cuts hand on extra sharp cheddar
Joel slumps over face first into bowl of noodles
Joel smiles and waves car into parking garage while bound and gagged attendant wriggles at his feet inside booth
Joel gets his kicks by terrorizing straights
Joel threatens maid in her native tongue
Joel’s credit card expires, causing a lapse in his subscription of Skanks Monthly
Joel does something drastic to get the attention of Jodie Foster
Joel unable to discern which one is the Mac Daddy and which one is the Daddy Mac
Joel traces lineage down long path of menacing freaks
Joel hurdles through the sky at the speed of love
Joel accuses date of switching drinks with him while he wasn’t looking
Joel judged as the no good bum he is through the eyes of a child
Joel hides in back seat under quilt during Mexico/US border crossing
Joel loses sleep by brewing Eight O’Clock coffee at the inherently prescripted time
Joel begins the majority of his sentences with “You know, it would be a real shame if…”
Joel shaken awake by hovering demon
Joel pepper sprayed by ATM machine
Joel strikes lurid deal with sex alien
Joel known as a real sit-down type of guy
Joel seen shaving beard and dyeing hair in gas station bathroom
Joel lowers tape recording of crying baby down into well
Joel throws phone at tv
Joel in charge of Charles
Joel breaks into car with groceries visible in back seat
Joel spins round and round on malfunctioning trick bookcase
Joel strikes once the iron cools off a bit
Joel caught red handed sabotaging brother’s televised weight loss journey
Joel consults the oracle
Joel celebrates existence annually
Joel cruises around looking for someone to give him bruises
Joel missing and presumed dead
Joel cruelest to the ones he loves most
Joel circles wanted ad with red marker
Joel pinched by Vulcan
Joel appends middle name before string of murders
Joel asks Morrie if they can switch to Thursdays
Joel becomes first convict on Mars
Joel receives lousy performance review from bossy sauce
Joel returns to locker room to find police dumping contents of his gym bag onto the floor
Joel throws loose change at toll operator
Joel applies for handicap license plate on the grounds of being an emotional cripple
Joel dines at The Barking Spider
Joel guarantees Swahili
Joel weaves in and out erratically from carpool lane arguing that it’s just paint
Joel clings to departing plane
Joel feeds android probionics
Joel gnaws on fist
Joel stuffs his pockets with buffet rolls at hunger fundraiser
Joel rants and raves about the price of printer ink
Joel runs screaming nude through resort
Joel’s patients start to notice his diplomas have other people’s names on them
Joel cautiously pessimistic
Joel asks couples therapist who’s side she’s on
Joel serially steals from Uncle’s restaurant
Joel refers to rival PTA member as a viper
Joel enjoys irresponsibly
Joel ripped off at dollar store
Joel spread by filth
Joel rapidly blinks while lying
Joel fed romantic lines from behind bush by some big nosed Italian
Joel takes Benadryl before Broadway show CATS
Joel’s family told by doctor his chances aren’t very good considering he’s not a fighter
Joel spills the beans on Bush’s secret family recipe
Joel breaks it to woman named Zoë that her name limits her to health food industry
Joel releases his autobiography “Creature of Fear”
Joel eats his way through pork storm
Joel takes quick swig of Dr McGuillicuddy’s Mentholmint Liqueur while being approached by police
Joel masks rage
Joel devolves to cheap thug
Joel turns down dark road
Joel makes it his business to know
Joel handles pan
Joel led out of office in handcuffs
Joel assumes he can read braille thinking it must be just raised English letters
Joel shadowed in Lower Uncton
Joel deafened by dog whistle
Joel has mild time at Sane Clown Posse concert
Joel nurses wound from robbery
Joel slaps clip into machine gun and shouts “Welcome to 2019!”
Joel heard smashing mailboxes as volume loudens
Joel rips page out of phone book and exits without paying tab at diner
Joel spits into woman’s beer bottle while she uses bathroom
Joel contaminates experiment
Joel sires identical son
Joel refers to daily pill regimen as “Tokens of Hope”
Joel takes to the streets
Joel diagnosed as extremist
Joel seen wishfully mouthing words with eyes closed while holding a monkey’s paw
Joel writes script for male prostitute film “For a Few Dollars More” unaware that title was in use
Joel buys unlimited lifetime admittance to Dr. Terror’s Panic Maze
Joel caged in feces-smeared cell by racist sheriff
Joel follows woman
Joel points out that He-Man is redundant
Joel hosts canine comedy fundraiser Paws for Laughter
Joel rattles tin mug against the bars of his cage
Joel sentenced to one night of comedy by Judge Reinhold
Joel dubbed Heatmiser after installing lock on home thermostat
Joel reduced to glassy eyed fiend
Joel maniacally tailgates motorist on rain slicked highway
Joel wonders who owns the skyscrapers
Joel ends up doing three years for things found on his laptop
Joel rushes back and forth between Golden Corral and The 99 Steakhouse, pretending to frequently need to use the bathroom in each, while managing two different dates
Joel smashes every mirror in hotel room
Joel begs cab driver to take him somewhere – anywhere to escape clutches of vicious white pimp
Joel joins biker gang known as the Satan’s Christians
Joel’s mask is his face
Joel’s real Inbox reads like a Spam folder
Joel holds micro-recorder to ear and constantly replays sound bite of Reginald Veljohnson saying “I shot a kid”
Joel stops in his tracks upon hearing someone shout “Freeze, slimeball!”
Joel regales church group with account of harrowing pot brownie saga
Joel gets house trashed by 90 day fiancé
Joel buys hodgepodge of overpriced meal items at airport concession stand AFTER flight
Joel asks doctor if the sound of a deflating balloon during urination is normal or something to worry about
Joel’s goblin-like face emerges from vat of phosphorescent instant mac and cheese
Joel charbroils rat over barrel fire
Joel pulls blade on hitchhiker
Joel carried by six trying to avoid being judged by twelve
Joel pictured in tabloids hurling change at reporter
Joel’s not in love
Joel tells interviewer that his biggest problem is that he’s too impressionable
Joel wonders why cowboys were such assholes
Joel gives keynote at conference of goblins
Joel builds tolerance to hallucinagens in order to lord over new believers
Joel told by brother’s bariatric surgeon “You’re killing him”
Joel regrets Satanic face tattoo during murder trial
Joel pursued by Eastern European sniper in track suit
Joel ponders a violent Ghandi
Joel tells manager he needs to miss work to deal with a restraining order
Joel masks symptoms of disease he caught from monkey
Joel promoted to Rag and Bone Man
Joel bites face during freakout at Warhol party
Joel interprets ‘break a leg’ as ominous threat
Joel explains situation with two hot peppers
Joel gets handed sweaty wad of money from pub trivia host and told “I don’t want you to ever come back”
Joel blogs under pseudonym “Murderous Hen”
Joel plays harmonica for a small pack of rats at the rail yard
Joel lays bloodstained money down on pharmacy counter
Joel releases cookbook entitled Fiendish Appetites
Joel attempts to patent stink
Joel tells teenager that Rice Pilaf is a grown man’s game
Joel starts crime spree the day he’s released from prison
Joel realizes that control is the illusion
Joel clearly hears “Backup to pharmacy” upon entering drug store
Joel’s meager allowance forces choice between alien and pot leaf blacklight posters
Joel pressures frat pledge into drinking self to death at clown college
Joel asks doctor if Cialis is right for him while concealing erection
Joel protects abuser
Joel shows up with pizza and gun
Joel knows what sexy is… and he’s not telling
Joel seen exiting hardware store with can of gold spray paint
Joel lays down with fleas, gets up with fleas
Joel frustrated by trade-offs in Oregon Trail character selection
Joel bludgeons captor
Joel slides into drive thru and orders five easy pieces
Joel converts sugar to energy
Joel wears costume to pharmacy
Joel told to take a few laps then hit the showers
Joel swerves down highway through veil of tears
Joel asks doctor for needles
Joel thinks outside the box, finds himself in larger one
Joel defeated by gravity
Joel trampled in online store during Cyber Monday
Joel nearly dies from flu shot
Joel kills serially
Joel uses shriek-ray to deter would-be attacker
Joel does everything for money except kiss
Joel will kiss for money if the amount is high enough
Joel wakes in haze to find incriminating Polaroids spread throughout hotel room
Joel pulled over and ticketed for busted radar detector
Joel works soft, plays hard
Joel smokes hate pipe
Joel considers starting house fire to cover up butchering of friend’s prized Bonsai tree
Joel autographs newspaper caricature with sinister Joel face and body of a pouched hairless rodent
Joel partially blinded while howling at the sun
Joel uses custom tailor smartphone app to get suit jacket fitted for small gorilla
Joel chalks up Coolidge and Wilson presidencies to public’s fondness of alliteration
Joel’s ineffectiveness as a provider forces sickly pregnant wife to take physically demanding job at pet store
Joel experiences direct relationship between dumbness and time
Joel asks Siri, “Who am I?”
Joel makes terrible mistake after confusing wife for robber
Joel crawls through sewer, comes out the other side in prison cell
Joel fails to seal the deal with call girl
Joel organizes bigoted march on Washington the day after Thanksgiving aptly named White Friday
Joel wonders if there’s such a thing as a male ladybug
Joel inspires terror upon drawing perfect circle
Joel brings baby into sauna
Joel writes the playbook on hiding signs of abuse
Joel adopts violent, clown-oriented rap-rock culture to combat the pain of being unable to compete in the digital economy
Joel stops off on trip home from light Japanese meal to pick up heavy Chinese one
Joel menaced by reflection
Joel pulls plug on mother very early on
Joel uses the gold standard of “10 year old boy” when describing the ideal human buttocks
Joel reads newspaper upside down on subway
Joel moans while chained to radiator
Joel resides with holograph
Joel runs toward pain
Joel emulates the general style of militant extremists without necessarily adopting their views and beliefs
Joel watches baboons fight from safe distance
Joel’s autobiography “Monstrosity” pulled from shelves and burned in religious pockets
Joel expresses indifference to news shared by pregnant friend
Joel persuades Cincinnati quarterback Andy Dalton to hurl ball through goalposts
Joel stops thinking about tomorrow
Joel purchases All You Can Keefe pass, allotting him unlimited visits to the O’Keefe museum during his stay in Santa Fe
Joel employs the “I didn’t know that was a crime” defense
Joel passed over for lead in political thriller due to sub-par intelligence
Joel tests electric fence for weakness
Joel insists to customer during support call that the problem lies between the computer and the keyboard
Joel reveals soaking wet armpits while wiping sweat from forehead during Nor’easter weather report
Joel foolishly refuses to leave house after obvious signs of haunting
Joel photographed grimacing with eyes closed while getting sacked
Joel reminds women that life doesn’t pause, even for vaginal health issues
Joel tucks end of tablecloth into collar as makeshift bib, twiddles fingers in delight before picking up knife and fork and embarking on orgiastic feast
Joel wakes to discover tears on his pillow
Joel’s McDonald’s shift supervisor confirms mother’s worst fear
Joel rifles through sister’s apartment for cash
Joel deals with recurring boner
Joel has wild time on rotten wine
Joel’s job search complicated by extensive criminal record
Joel falls in love with Korean Youtube eating star
Joel’s parrot asks for quiet time
Joel’s mother regrets letting him choose his own outfit for picture day
Joel likens his defamation site to an impossibly beautiful tree falling in the woods
Joel leaves bowl of candy on porch with sign: “Limit one per child. You are being recorded.”
Joel manages to get a lot of good people upset for no reason after local sherriff goes out on a limb for him
Joel buys used Bronco with bad intentions
Joel gropes around for wallet while performing CPR
Joel banned from nerd’s house
Joel seen hurriedly climbing out of bedroom window in underwear, open silk robe, and CPAP mask
Joel never finds out if Annie from Jackson song is okay
Joel’s particular style likened to a greaser cannibal swine mascot for a BBQ eatery
Joel insists on having a woman holding a live rat in music video
Joel invites friends over to watch “Vengals” game
Joel sends murderous riddle to local newspaper
Joel drives around with “Garbage Baby On Board” sign in rear window
Joel rage-eats submarine sandwich with incorrect toppings
Joel indignant with insurance company for raising his rates after proving to be a very bad driver and a very stupid person
Joel claims retired footballer Teddy Bruschi suffered stroke after attempting to crush unopened beer can against forehead
Joel emphasizes fact that he ate only half of chicken parm sub, omits fact that he also ate half of large pizza
Joel blatantly disregards sage advice from future self
Joel turns state’s evidence against Brendan Dassey
Joel dance-eats his way through county food fair
Joel overhead conversing with stairway ghoul by hotel staff
Joel sets up trip line in Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s office, causing the senior justice of the highest court to fall and break three ribs
Joel comes out of bathroom more full of shit than when he went in
Joel triple-clicks hyperlink
Joel unconsciously logs activity in sleepwalking app
Joel talked down from roof of house
Joel eats slop from trough on Japanese gameshow
Joel chokes on unsalted nuts
Joel runs from scene of accident into woods
Joel tells new employee he’s keeping her on a short leash
Joel given just enough rope
Joel estimates distance between two Los Angeles locations to be about 45 minutes give or take traffic
Joel employs “Throw Catch Win” strategy in Bengals’ 2018 road to victory
Joel subtitles autobiography “Power and Justice”
Joel micromanages barber
Joel haunts murky waters of small town pool
Joel casually picks belly button link through lower buttons of dress shirt while meeting with realtor
Joel uses Google Translate to decipher whether “idiota” is a compliment or an insult
Joel babbles madly in poultry department
Joel’s life divided by before and after he’s stood up at prom
Joel claims his astrological sign is a beaver eating a burrito
Joel adds rainbow to church signage to increase congregation size
Joel returns to scene of crime
Joel offers woman wad of cash in grocery line to not contest price of item
Joel designates separate corners for solid and liquid waste during weekend elevator lock-in
Joel builds fortified Mexican villa where he is free to read Joan Wilder romance novels in peace
Joel finally graduates to Pantene Pro-W
Joel attributes menacing vibe to surplus of Monster energy drinks
Joel crawls back into sewer
Joel earns promotion with heightened energy fueled by microdosing crack cocaine
Joel’s grandmother detects strong smell of bug spray in bag of pot he sold to her
Joel’s ancestors neither clean nor industrious
Joel sprayed in face with oven cleaner by housekeeper during argument about payment
Joel uses coworker’s personal coffee mug despite agreeing not to
Joel too nervous to even buzz once on Jeopardy
Joel misreports amount of drugs and cash seized in bust
Joel responds “demon corn” when asked what his favorite food is
Joel’s coworkers unsure whether to ask if he’d been in a fight over the weekend
Joel too disorganized to join the Methodists
Joel clearly heard eating in bathroom stall where small mountain of candy wrappers are later found on floor
Joel gets all worked up about how Jimmy cracked corn
Joel starts zipper company with intent to compete against industry giant YKK
Joel will be Joel
Joel asks store manager if they have any cheaper eggs in worse condition
Joel seen running hysterically down shoulder of highway
Joel invited to have a seat by Chris Hansen
Joel suffers minor stroke as Snerd ventriloquist dummy launches itself through the air at him from off of shelf
Joel quietly gives his life to Japanese corporation
Joel sneeze-screams at Library
Joel tricked into giving monkey keys to cage
Joel overheard slandering his new brother-in-law in bathroom at wedding
Joel claims his Dad already OK’d sleepover when asking his Mom
Joel likens his personality to that of a spicy mustard
Joel makes things difficult for father by insisting on highly sought after action figure for Christmas
Joel burns ships upon arrival at shore of New World
Joel’s IMDB credits reveal a disproportionate number of references to the words “coke” and “werewolf”
Joel wheels body in garbage bin out to curb on eve of trash day
Joel forgiven by Christian
Joel chokes on dog food
Joel passes out in field of lavender
Joel prepares for Renaissance fair with PCP cigarette
Joel thrashed by ghost
Joel chisels Native American face into backyard rock
Joel summoned by red planet
Joel figures flushing an airplane toilet rains waste from the sky
Joel’s political science major lands him secure job at Starbucks
Joel gives birth to pregnant child
Joel struggles to shake hysterical Indian coworker off his back after argument turns physical
Joel brutalized by shower of fastballs at batting cage
Joel caught rummaging through co-worker’s file cabinet
Joel questions wife about phone number scrawled on matchbook from bar called Cheaters
Joel talked down by hotel lobby staff while demanding more drinks
Joel kidnapped at Bradlee’s
Joel suspects Cincinnati Reds to be communists
Joel backs cat into corner
Joel mishears spy movie dialogue, believing character to be “Double Asian”
Joel secures position as top-level hatchet man for erratic Texas mogul
Joel flexes at Terminal and asks airline attendant if he can get on plane with his “guns”
Joel only waxes on
Joel’s desperate agreement to waive inspection on purchase and sale leads to basement demon haunting
Joel worries he lacks the street credibility to drink Hood milk
Joel beats the devil out of paintbrush
Joel offends other guests with present from Spencer’s Gifts
Joel bows head, raises black power fist atop Olympic podium
Joel visited by Hamburger Helper glove during moment of indecision about what to make for dinner
Joel forced to choose between chain and knife in abandoned factory fight
Joel bets his company’s future on the genius of whiney teenager
Joel chickens out and buys regular strength aspirin
Joel uses drugs and alcohol to suppress pain of unresolved childhood trauma
Joel sexualizes pre-teen to secure beauty pageant victory
Joel says “she is like animal” in heavy Russian accent in regard to woman he observes
Joel hassled by German terrorists on Christmas Eve
Joel peppers casual racism into guest sportscaster commentary
Joel tricked and lured into rehab center with promise of ice cream
Joel forecasts his arrival by loudening grunts and hisses
Joel quizzed by bridge troll
Joel finds himself running in Memphis
Joel markets new brand of high powered binoculars called The Staremaster
Joel cites popular cartoon characters when justifying shirt-only lifestyle
Joel starts hotel chain named Worst Eastern
Joel gets impatient and ends up joining the Sixth Day Adventists instead
Joel able to spell “diarrhea” correctly without googling it
Joel finds second home for himself at town dump
Joel eclipses 1000-to-1 word count ratio during small talk with hitchhiker who suddenly has a nearer destination
Joel holds greasy sausage link in bare hand and gestures with it while telling story at local diner
Joel receives life-changing shock while fishing bread from toaster with knife after unremarkable Ted Talk
Joel hides in closet after scoring bad designer drugs at Asian nightclub
Joel scratches off waist size from outer Levi’s jeans label
Joel comes running out of house fire grasping jewelry box
Joel believes the word history is derived from “his story”
Joel chips tooth while testing to see if the crucifix he stole is real gold
Joel starts making fake sign language gestures at girl wearing hearing aid
Joel wakes up in one-piece pajamas and lights candle to investigate sound of rattling chains
Joel eats dinner from lunchbox
Joel prescribed Screamidol
Joel butters neck after hearing news of serial strangler
Joel completely forgets about Memorial Day
Joel seeks revenge against the weather
Joel protects child’s innocence by removing page in Peter Rabbit where protagonist’s father is cooked in a pie
Joel outdrank by Japanese investors
Joel visibly gaunt and exhausted due to toxic relationship with elderly mother
Joel flips off neighbor’s cat
Joel moves on down to the West side
Joel uses months as the unit to convey his age
Joel figures he likely has a degree from Assumption College
Joel torn away from phone
Joel seen rolling in the street wrestling with firehose on full blast
Joel puts 45 of disco hit Hot Stuff on turntable at 33 rpm while cleaning his guns
Joel becomes half-rate superhero after being bit by weasel
Joel forced to make Sophie’s choice between glazed donut and chocolate eclair
Joel becomes insanely jealous at doctor’s mention of other patients
Joel wakes up hours later still in conference room wearing gag glasses with painted cartoon eyes
Joel splashes water on kitchen grease fire
Joel follows translucent white horse into fire
Joel vomits while howling outside of friend’s housewarming party
Joel repeats “Come alone – no police” several times on payphone
Joel, with empty expression, stares through co-worker while others sing Happy Birthday in office break room
Joel seen chasing neighbor’s dog with spray paint
Joel relocates peanut butter to opposite side of store from jelly on first day as supermarket manager
Joel found busting up basement floor with sledgehammer searching for money at dead uncle’s house
Joel uses childish sailboat and crab stencils to paint custom tote bags for friends at halfway house
Joel stabs crossword puzzle repeatedly with knife after failing to get more than a couple words
Joel arrives racist and drunk to quaint suburban wedding
Joel affixes Punisher sticker to back window of truck to suggest that he’s capable of murder
Joel plays role of flippant police officer who irrationally will not take desperate caller seriously
Joel slips on several hundred marbles
Joel reaches over counter at pharmacist
Joel hires artist to kill his wife
Joel refuses to accept that “Stuck in the Middle with You” isn’t a Bob Dylan recording
Joel cuts corners building straw house easily blown down by cartoon wolf
Joel pushed around by someone even worse
Joel selected for interplanetary breeding program
Joel mutters “Joel power down” before shutting off for the night
Joel tries to secure $15k budget for office Halloween decorations
Joel names Shaggy as favorite reggae artist
Joel grabbed by rat tail during parking lot brawl
Joel deterred from sitting on ledge by pigeon spikes
Joel runs through the shadows
Joel tells large feminist group, “Believe me I know your pain”
Joel asks sports store manager if they have any cheaper children’s football helmets than the cheapest ones he found
Joel tells wife he went into attic to investigate sound of laughter but she knows he has drugs stashed up there
Joel suffers perceived injustice during morning commute
Joel given a tonic that kills most of his insides
Joel stumbles across trove of ghoulish nicknacks in elderly Croatian woman’s basement
Joel keeps observation of potentially catastrophic situation at condo complex to himself
Joel pulled half dead from Arizona trash heap
Joel shaves uneven chunks from hair before meeting to secure small business loan
Joel grows killer’s mustache
Joel kept way down in the hole
Joel walks across metal beam during high rise construction with balance of stiff Native American
Joel roughed up and backed into pond by rabid swan
Joel suspects food pyramid rigged by meat and dairy industries
Joel found wrapped in American flag with needles still in arms
Joel seen dragging large, heavy carpet down back stairs
Joel sprays meat-hose at Vegan protest
Joel reported for jogging through nice neighborhood
Joel takes left on red
Joel shuts off air in lower class mutant quadrant
Joel lays awake hearing growling and meat-slapping through hotel room wall
Joel charged as John in prostitution sting
Joel ingests Dhalia
Joel relieved that it was just cans
Joel spins “Dirty/Clean” dishwasher magnet the wrong way to upset colleagues
Joel adopts fledgling child actor to get at his potential future earnings
Joel goes pill-mad during height of hottest summer on record
Joel dances furiously in abandoned warehouse because no one understands him
Joel lives by the Islamic Numerological adage “No pork on the fork”
Joel late for work after sleeping through blaring alarm clock playing “Start Me Up”
Joel ignores sports almanac brought back from future
Joel claims to be the first Hetero Sapien
Joel throws major fit at toy store
Joel targeted in crosswalk by self-driving car
Joel injured making homemade pipe bomb
Joel claws face
Joel rolls up sleeves, takes nap
Joel lured by dollar on string
Joel wakes up from deep sleep with new instructions
Joel wears t-shirt with blazer in hopes of attracting like-minded psychopaths
Joel buys time
Joel makes off with donation basket from Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting
Joel carefully studies and memorizes Zodiac animals and birth years from Chinese menu
Joel faints in terror at Gatorland Zoo
Joel horrified by implied cannibalism of cartoon pig chef as BBQ joint logo
Joel begins rampage at Del Taco
Joel burps up frog mid conversation
Joel’s memory foam mattress proves to be uncomfortably forgetful
Joel seen leaving costume shop with police uniform
Joel updates his personal Privacy Policy
Joel caught sabotaging guest’s car
Joel walks around with major boner at his parents’ house like he doesn’t understand his body yet
Joel flips house literally
Joel swims through pool with exact mannerisms of lizard
Joel washes man out of his hair
Joel provides made-up name of resident he’s visiting when caught prowling around nursing home
Joel takes low road
Joel lures Peter Dinklage into large oven
Joel continuously burns horse shit to keep neighbors away
Joel draws false, wildly inaccurate conclusions while observing sedimentary rock during hike
Joel tries to package and sell what is sacred
Joel gets shark tooth necklace ripped off by bully
Joel reveals his plan to event rental salesman of collapsing tent to trap party guests
Joel slurs and acts indignantly during key to the city ceremony
Joel shapes rock into crude hand-axe to escape jungle cage
Joel puts emphasis on the “g” at then end of orangutan
Joel orders Chinese delivery in offensive Asian accent, reasoning that it makes him more easily understood
Joel handpicked by duplicitous police chief to investigate a crime that a very powerful person does not want solved
Joel lists “soiled khakis” on expense report
Joel kills messenger, hails unfavorable original source
Joel sings into remote and dances on coffee table before finally collapsing
Joel describes fight between two doctors over his histrionics
Joel eats rainbow colored ham from friend’s mother’s refrigerator as to not offend
Joel sprains shoulder while throwing egg at mayor-elect
Joel anonymously sends information about diseases to strangers
Joel snorts crushed pills while listening to Hulk Hogan theme song
Joel denies knowing who took the money
Joel warded off with garlic necklace
Joel references Yahoo “10 Worst Cities in the US” listicle before planning next move
Joel hastily washes off blood from his hands
Joel eats personal check made out to him at fender bender scene to convey his unwillingness to settle out of court
Joel seen running down street holding piggy bank
Joel quickly deduces that violence is necessary
Joel turns on his owner
Joel handpicked from labor camp by aging Colonel to go back and win the Vietnam War
Joel caught living in Home Depot Garden Department
Joel feels like calling one type of apple a “Delicious Apple” is unfair to other apples
Joel sees the pizza man on the box wink at him
Joel brings fun cowboy vibe to space station
Joel goes through downs and downs
Joel calls police, plays dead
Joel forced into police car while shouting “America eats its young!”
Joel now touring as murder clown rapper
Joel comes out of the woodwork along with all the other fair weather posthumous Garry Shandling fans
Joel watches scrambled porn channel to relive his tween years
Joel rushes to replace tray of brownies before anyone gets home
Joel receives scratchy phone call from the original Joel
Joel watches Eastwood flick Gran Torino but fast forwards through non-racist scenes
Joel thrown from stock car in Laconia death race
Joel has vision of two headed snake with young and old Michael Jackson faces
Joel fears retribution from friends and family after canceling Netflix account
Joel rips off grandmother in pot deal
Joel presents hypothetical win-win situation to CVS pharmacist
Joel orchestrates Aunt Viv switch
Joel stands up during party to propose a toast, pauses, falls face first through glass coffee table
Joel hears plot to kill him unfold while his wife talks in her sleep
Joel stumbles upon his own gravestone while cutting through cemetery during drunk and stoned walk home from babysitting gig
Joel tells Footlocker salesman that he needs a pair of sneakers to win the rat race
Joel enters hospital to finish the job
Joel finds out that it’s actually very unpleasant to stay at the YMCA
Joel quickly draws escape door to avoid oncoming cartoon train
Joel blames killing spree on backwards Led Zeppelin record
Joel deadlifts corpse
Joel keeps driving upon observing police outside his home
Joel asks earth child “Why do you cry?”
Joel includes Tom when bragging about number of friends on MySpace
Joel enters Clowning vs Krumping competition
Joel rarely seen without styrofoam cup of codeine cough syrup
Joel green-lights production of Tom Arnold movie “The Stupids”
Joel revealed smiling as hundreds of pigeons scatter
Joel starts opinionated online mailing list called The Houston Moms Association
Joel chases snake from nursery
Joel too scared to watch New England area food-related television program, Phantom Gourmet
Joel screams his way through neon forest
Joel consumes more than he produces
Joel tackled attempting to tug airplane door latch open mid flight
Joel fires starter pistol at crowd
Joel accepts fainting as normal daily phenomena and doesn’t seek medical attention
Joel throws mannequin off bridge onto highway
Joel sprints through rear exit of restaurant as Frankenstein storms in looking for him
Joel begins terrorizing couple who rent him a room
Joel seen wandering away from hospital with half-open gown
Joel spit on by protesters upon returning home from Vietnam as a tourist
Joel puts off installing Ubuntu OS, reasoning that he doesn’t speak “African”
Joel insists that throwing figure skating partner into stands was accident
Joel explains dog’s indifference to owner’s financial situation
Joel hides among stuffed animals in child’s closet
Joel caught in Superman’s arms after horsing around on bridge
Joel runs across hot coals straight into burn unit
Joel takes random day off in April, claiming it to be “Mexican Easter”
Joel questioned by FBI after bizarre animal mask purchases
Joel asks for second larger sandwich to wrap around his first, smaller sandwich
Joel puts cadaver in passenger seat to use carpool lane
Joel wears powdered wig to speeding ticket hearing
Joel posts bail after getting busted for selling oregano in Wildwood, New Jersey
Joel seen out of control on jet ski billowing smoke with police boat in pursuit
Joel passes out while getting tongue pierced to impress new raver friends
Joel paints rocks gold
Joel’s face begins to materialize on police artist’s sketchpad
Joel thrown off porch into garbage pile by recoil from potato gun
Joel approaches skunk den with air horn
Joel nearly strangled to death by fellow runaway travel companion on wooden raft
Joel gives off unpredictable and dangerous vibe while making small talk with smarter person
Joel begs employees to be honest during survey, then retaliates harshly against unfavorable responses
Joel appears sedated during interview while wife describes life with him as “a living hell”
Joel takes deep breath, closes eyes, starts ignition
Joel sees uneaten muffin on park bench and becomes frozen with indecision
Joel slithers in and out of parents’ room like The Grinch Who Stole Christmas to restart cable modem while they sleep
Joel told by teacher there are no stupid questions except for his questions
Joel uses stink as a weapon
Joel rolls up sleeves revealing visible human bite marks
Joel receives panicked voicemail from mother asking “How much do you owe these people?”
Joel waits in limo while driver chases woman on foot through woods
Joel stumbles into women’s bathroom and passes out
Joel’s eyes turn into spinning pinwheels upon entering candy shop
Joel posts YouTube video titled “Top 10 Haunted Dolls Caught on Tape”
Joel tempts first humans with apple
Joel let go from fortune cookie company after his work reveals a pattern of doom
Joel forgets the Alamo
Joel creates kitchen calamity by putting wrong type of soap in dishwasher
Joel exposed pooping in the wind after shell of port-a-potty gets blown off its base
Joel considered a necessary evil
Joel shows them all what a desperate person is capable of
Joel caught gyrating pelvis during conference call, unaware his webcam was enabled
Joel refers to city council as “band of thugs” after being denied minor zoning request
Joel tied down by doctors
Joel enters arm wrestling competition to win love of son, loses
Joel seen racing away from woman tied to traintracks
Joel spared by supernatural murderer
Joel regularly drinks bovine milk despite being an adult human
Joel asks desperately “What year is it?!”
Joel renames the Washington Redskins to something even worse
Joel posts “New year, same old shit” to social media minutes after ball drops
Joel’s sentence reduced to four cane lashes after President Clinton steps in
Joel contorts himself to fit into vertical Russian puzzle
Joel sought “Angel Dust or anything like it” according to local Hawaiian
Joel claws at locked door at David’s Bridal, demands to speak to David
Joel risks life by flying somewhere he could have just driven to
Joel unleashes invasive non-native critters at each stop of world tour
Joel jerks to and fro on mechanical bull like rag doll while being hissed and spit at by drunk rednecks
Joel sets surprisingly hostile away message on his email during Holiday Break
Joel continues to dominate the Athletic Mob-Wear market
Joel targeted by slingshot
Joel given sweaty wad of cash to exit family
Joel avoids Hostess Cakes, believing them to be made of hostesses
Joel thinks he did the math right and doesn’t understand how it could be wrong
Joel gets wrong idea with at least a dozen wedding guests
Joel loses sensation in both arms for 24 hours after trying to show off with jackhammer
Joel proposes “Soup Living Room” where the homeless can eat on couches in front of TVs like the rest of us
Joel does incessant Woody the Woodpecker laugh while strapped to hospital bed
Joel literally has book thrown at him by irate judge
Joel swallows handful of pills and nods excitedly during meeting
Joel appears to be very nonchalant while small kitchen fire grows out of control
Joel approached and smelled often by wildlife
Joel decides to bring the fight to menacing, elderly rival after encounter with wolf
Joel gets caught in one of many rat traps that form perimeter around his house
Joel begins screenplay with narration “New York: A city with 10 million stories to tell. This is one of them.”
Joel pulls up to stop light in Pontiac Fiero, revs engine and wiggles tongue at pedestrians
Joel turns around when hearing “You filthy little pervert,” figuring it’s most likely directed at him
Joel drinks heavily to steady his hand for game of Operation
Joel spins around and around listening to Donna Summer’s “I Feel Love” before collapsing from drug induced hyperthermia
Joel drives garbage truck into swamp
Joel flips switchblade comb out on subway car and winks at elderly woman
Joel asks in which part of the ocean do you find stuffed crabs
Joel loses innocence during The Summer of Love
Joel thinks former boxing champ Tyson owns chicken company of the same name
Joel wears diaper to limit stops on cross-country drive to stalk astronaut
Joel announces new summer tour titled “Bay of Pigs”
Joel falls up stairs
Joel steps in dog shit, smells better
Joel buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo
Joel comes up with bogus pseudoscientific explanation for requiring actors to be nude during time travel scenes
Joel offers favorable review of restaurant in return for unlimited calamari as a sort of “squid pro quo”
Joel uses full $100 balance of Home Depot gift card on snacks from checkout line
Joel tells senior citizen, “If you’re cold just keep your oven running”
Joel advises Alpo marketing exec, “You need to be advertising to dogs, not people”
Joel takes his coffee white
Joel licks grease from his fingers before and after handshake
Joel’s “JOEL” neck tattoo gets infected
Joel wiggles his fingers and whispers “ground-a shake-a” to describe earthquake to another native English speaker
Joel fined heavily for masterminding unlicensed Haitian cab operation
Joel lends car to close friend minutes before reporting it stolen
Joel puts raw steak in pocket before court hearing for custody of dog
Joel rushes to publish dangerously fallacious argument for indigenous peoples’ right to whale even the most endangered species
Joel seen running towards shopping mall bathroom pushing people out of his way with one hand and cupping his bottom side with the other hand
Joel severely disappointed by marmalade on toast at diner, wishes he could go back in time and use the Concord grape jelly
Joel’s presence in any given city increases local crime rate
Joel considers changing last name to Noel for the holidays
Joel coyly asks Hertz rental agent if he can speak with Dick
Joel believes religious former pro football player’s name to be Tim Tivo
Joel invites mysterious fanged visitor into house at night
Joel angers Father Christmas with greedy and unrealistic requests
Joel allows diseased pet rodent to escape his pocket, ruins neighbor’s party
Joel gives timid secretary box of shotgun shells as Secret Santa gift
Joel puts car keys on table to raise bet in poker game, walks home
Joel confounds delivery driver by turning off lights and ignoring phone calls
Joel awakens to find fumigation tent draped over house
Joel attends tech expo under alias Maxtor Seagate
Joel covets equine
Joel makes it to final stage but is unable to defeat boss
Joel asked to leave wedding after demanding to witness consummation
Joel goes to high end mall with group of humorless Persians
Joel contests Charles’ right to be in charge
Joel waves insurance policy angrily, shouting “I’m worth more dead than alive!”
Joel faints after receiving difficult news standing up
Joel claims temporary upside down vision as reason for entering bathroom door marked “W”
Joel becomes object of sympathy in true crime drama
Joel wears chef uniform and smokes cigarette in alley behind restaurant, runs away when spotted
Joel collapses on treadmill
Joel put down like mad dog
Joel tells car passenger to take a peek at gun in glove compartment
Joel causes tea cup and saucer to chatter while standing and shivering in kitchen of good samaritan’s house at night after swerving car into pond to avoid whispy phantasm
Joel bashfully admits to pooping through hammock onto heat mad computer anti-virus mogul
Joel is so far off in his analysis that he is accidentally right, despite reading wrong book
Joel uses footage of early aviation disasters in smear campaign against local political hopeful
Joel’s ill-advised “Kill Whitey” Facebook post returns to haunt him in local election
Joel orders wig in drug haze
Joel gets lethal dose of pills snatched out of his hand by seagull
Joel’s laptop quickly develops Stockholm Syndrome with ransomware
Joel chased out of grocery store for drawing large black X’s on peaches with sharpie
Joel slips on banana smoothie at European discotec
Joel dresses up like Middle Eastern sheik, runs wildly through airport screaming
Joel sent home by school nurse for having lice
Joel exposed for pretending to be deaf
Joel euthanized in tar pit upon reaching age limit of futuristic society
Joel dazzled by Danish king
Joel winds up with quill beard trying to eat porcupine
Joel gets into tussle with boardwalk walrus
Joel sports Aztec poncho and man bun at far out ideas conference
Joel eludes police by slipping into crowd at hate rally
Joel makes appointment with bank to swim in his money
Joel places fried egg on sidewalk pretending the sun did it
Joel squints, points to far away corner of outfield, strikes out
Joel collapses and weeps in walk-in closet
Joel goes overboard with ranch sauce
Joel poisons neighbors’ trees
Joel thrown back out over railing by male Silverback gorilla after jumping into zoo exhibit
Joel tricked into solo SpaceX mission so the world can get a break from him
Joel warns everyone he knows that if you create a Gershwin station on Pandora it will basically just play 20 different versions of Rhapsody in Blue
Joel bullies fast food worker into complicated off-menu order
Joel awoken by team of hogs rummaging through his house
Joel forms unhealthy obsession with bodybuilder Alex Fedorov
Joel asks dinner host, “Pour me a glass of Bitch?” in the voice of Paul Lynde as Templeton the Rat
Joel does nefarious earthly bidding of high ranking evil spirit in exchange for personal sex ghoul
Joel hides in plain sight
Joel brings picture of red squirrel to hairdresser and says “Make me look like this”
Joel works graveyard shift at graveyard
Joel publicly assaulted on Hollywood Walk of Fame by keyed up Mickey Rourke
Joel sniffs and spins around furiously in pile of leaves looking for the ideal spot to relieve himself
Joel able to interpret gibberish of screaming train conductor
Joel returns from supermarket to find car booted with note on windshield that says “You filthy little pig”
Joel piles dirty undies in corner of room and refers to it as Skid Row
Joel thumped square on top of head by foul ball at baseball stadium
Joel writes his name backwards in red lipstick on door in front of mirror during nightmarish hissyfit
Joel uses traditional Western European knowledge and scientific method as cold blanket of superiority during equatorial visit
Joel wears “cat’s eyes” contact lenses and movie quality vampire fangs for driver’s license photo
Joel plans failed erotic picnic in French countryside
Joel sells popsicle to Eskimo
Joel earnestly uses the word “trousers”
Joel assumes most zookeepers are vegetarian but then sees one eating a smoked chimp’s hand
Joel organizes North Shore monster truck rally called “Smashachusetts”
Joel fakes orgasm
Joel develops concept for frigid new fitness regiment called Frozen Yoga
Joel characterized as “demon investor” by frazzled CEO
Joel folded in half by hospital bed after toying with controls
Joel flaps arms quickly like wings while falling off roof
Joel gets all righteous with kid about Frankenstein being the creator’s name and not the monster’s
Joel installs satellite dish in back yard attempting to summon sex alien
Joel says “Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, don’t play a song for me” to co-worker tapping on desk
Joel steals “Shoplifters will be Prosecuted” sign
Joel winds up in bushes after making unwelcomed pass at female bodybuilder
Joel mysteriously appears as fifth face on Mount Rushmore for one afternoon
Joel groped by horny realtor
Joel toys with woman’s emotions, taking her to fancy restaurant and bending down on one knee to tie shoelace
Joel clings to ladder falling over backward during sorority peeping tom stunt
Joel opens low-class, conservative bar dubbed “The Trump Dump”
Joel revealed as voice actor of Speedy Gonzales
Joel abandons boat and flees state after things heat up over parasailing disaster
Joel invests haphazardly in Mongol eagle preserve
Joel signs over wife and investment accounts to Bahamian womanizer
Joel notices pattern in Armenian surnames
Joel feeds a man a fish, makes him sick for a lifetime
Joel uses overgrown fingernail to carve name into church pew
Joel swings pocketbook recklessly while trying to move his braids off his face behind his ear
Joel shoved by one-arm man
Joel discovers corpse in restroom stall
Joel’s rain soaked face appears in child’s bedroom window during bursts of lightning
Joel approaches carcass with intent to scavenge
Joel obsessively keeps patrons’ water glasses full at Thai restaurant
Joel cries over milk still in glass
Joel immediately forgets everyone who aided his mayoral campaign moments after winning
Joel found guilty in kangaroo court
Joel seen power walking with group of older women gossiping about neighbors
Joel sacked roughly on fourth down Hail Mary attempt
Joel sleeps in enormous shoe after jumping over candlestick
Joel orders food through series of grunts
Joel dons penguin suit and only responds to “Chilly Willy”
Joel carries out full shift as waiter at 2x speed after confusing speed pills for vitamins
Joel kicked in head and knocked out while holding board in karate demo
Joel uses museum shop geode to heal cancer-stricken parrot
Joel believes flu shots are ploy to inject tiny microchips in population
Joel easily tricked by fool’s gold
Joel suspicious of brown Datsun
Joel winks at SCUBA instructor on ocean floor, rapidly inflates vest
Joel answers “how do I do what?” when politely asked “how do you do?”
Joel insulted by ouija board
Joel believes person named Ben Dover possessed textbook before him
Joel warned about his heightened flammability
Joel measures once, cuts many times
Joel puts out personal ad seeking full figured woman specifically named Brenda
Joel goes tanning in crude, homemade outfit that only exposes his privates
Joel lies to client about SEO results
Joel tells child the legend of the stink comet that will light up the night sky with its green gassy tail and make the world smell like rotten eggs
Joel trusted Sleepy’s for the rest of his life; now he isn’t sure
Joel orders a “fuctavious” at bar
Joel swallows tack
Joel caught trying to sabotage riverboat casino
Joel coerced into giving wrong answers during Manitowoc County murder investigation
Joel mistaken for gila monster in neighbor’s pool
Joel walks out from behind paper screen wearing kimono and taking short steps
Joel bites into mother’s shoulder on playground
Joel tells friendly tourist family on Tucscon hiking trail that there’s really no need to worry about snakes
Joel thinks Taco Tuesday is some kind of prostitute holiday
Joel has fool for client while filing his own taxes
Joel robbed by child on Peter Pan bus
Joel attempts to kidnap Meryl Streep during rafting trip
Joel sues over his likeness to perverted turtle character in satirical children’s book
Joel hands out ape costumes and plastic rifles to staff at Charlton Heston’s nursing home
Joel admits to not wanting to find the source of his anger
Joel dances sexually in tree
Joel uses local 5k charity race as opportunity to drink dangerously
Joel on constant high alert for potential mate
Joel diagnosed as sleepdriver
Joel’s screenplay “Bed & Breakfast Tanzania” lambasted for being being both unoriginal and completely historically inaccurate
Joel wakes up in cargo section of moving plane with nasty bump on the back of head
Joel cuts off software development lead, saying “I don’t need to see how the sausage is made”
Joel actively looks for opportunities to use the phrase “Indian Giver”
Joel warned about to community by local law enforcement
Joel mates with slug
Joel sickened by reflection
Joel runs out on check at his regular bar
Joel attempts to throw mother from scenic country train
Joel wonders if L.L. Bean could possibly be a coffee distributor owned by L.L. Cool J.
Joel gets walked-in on while pasting together collage for neighbor’s teen class presidency campaign while listening to “Whoomp There It Is”
Joel spits out mild Indian food having never tasted anything that exotic
Joel terrorizes Smurf community
Joel comments to coworker, “Give him enough rope and he’ll hang himself,” about employee they want to get rid of
Joel claims he can take the heat, unsure about the humidity
Joel eats apple with sticker on purpose
Joel catches Hepatitis C from a Hepatitis C awareness poster on subway train
Joel imitates humping sounds heard from mother’s room
Joel loses wits on Mosquito Coast
Joel thinks banana nut bread is just bread for people who are nuts about bananas
Joel slapped after asking woman with musky body odor if he can “get down with the clown”
Joel blows cloud of wizard smoke out of car while dropping off kid at school
Joel comes to identify with his captors
Joel mystified by futuristic scooter
Joel forced to switch seats with other airline passenger after declining emergency exit responsibilities
Joel feeds chocolate covered espresso beans to hyperactive toddler
Joel hazed relentlessly attempting to join Shriners
Joel considers move to sewer
Joel drops, shatters coffee mug upon realizing that everything Ryan Lopes had ever told him was a lie
Joel threatens to “tame American dotard with fire”
Joel caught mocking Robert Kennedy Jr’s voice, ignorant of spasmodic dysphonia condition
Joel hides out in grocery store after closing and binge eats yesterday’s bake
Joel subdued and placed in captivity after reported loping down roadside
Joel sits on egg for month
Joel afraid of coffee grinder, claiming it sounds too much like T. Rex
Joel warned by refrigerator someone might be in the house
Joel caught by security camera stealing baby Jesus from manger
Joel burns toast, house
Joel featured on reality show “Johns Who Kill”
Joel tries to cover up scratch to father’s car leading to a hilarious string of more complicated problems
Joel tries to hydrate bacon bits during last minute breakfast disaster while hosting royal family
Joel diagnosed with restless arm syndrome
Joel helplessly watches cat fight off dagger wielding troll
Joel caught attempting to inhale life out of sleeping infant
Joel relentlessly harrassed by perverted Gremlin
Joel switches things up by bringing teacher an orange
Joel lives forever and pays no taxes
Joel forgets keys at mindfulness seminar
Joel tries to go shopping at Target but keeps missing it
Joel suggests graveyard as ideal location for first date
Joel nearly kills family flying off highway into rest stop
Joel snarls and gets singed from holy water spray
Joel asks friend’s grandfather if he was the carpenter that made Pinocchio
Joel insists on wearing British helmet hat during Safari tour
Joel hears violent armed robbery while receiving acupuncture treatment
Joel lends money to the Wildman of Borneo
Joel eats twin
Joel works double shift on Labor Day
Joel menaced on Straight of Gibraltar by Barbary apes
Joel poked and prodded through gaps of bamboo cage
Joel angrily eats parking ticket
Joel entertains procedure to replace his lower half with that of a horse
Joel takes on Foghorn Leghorn persona for 48 hours after drinking bathtub moonshine
Joel looks at seat assignment on boarding pass for 15th time just to be sure before taking seat
Joel hospitalized after compulsively licking hand
Joel challenges strangers to game of pocket pool
Joel gets lockjaw going for record of most stacked Oreos
Joel scares off lions from wildebeest score
Joel tells a few people he’s dying
Joel dives onto hood of car in church parking lot
Joel continues to knock on locked restroom door while voice from inside screams “occupied”
Joel gets into fist fight with personified manifestation of the human papaloma virus
Joel mistakenly assumes statute of limitations for murder
Joel hunted after airing prime time special demystifying popular magic tricks
Joel admits three clumsy kids standing on each other’s shoulders in trenchcoat to R Rated movie
Joel puts most expensive hotdog buns in friend’s shopping cart
Joel tumbles down escalator after looking back to scowl at cashier who wouldn’t accept expired coupon
Joel continues to fear the reaper despite reassuring song
Joel breaks hand attempting to karate chop through block of ice
Joel cheated by Pygmy
Joel suggests Happy Beginning at seedy massage parlor
Joel storms cockpit on turbulent flight
Joel’s skull fascinates criminologist
Joel shown on traffic cam laughing wildly while running intersection
Joel harbors rapey French skunk
Joel researches his family tree and discovers a coat of arms showing a bear eating a pig
Joel gears up for impending divorce by purchasing copy of Eat Pray Love
Joel pesters plaintiff on courthouse steps for his reaction to verdict while clearly not associated with the press
Joel badgers hermit
Joel seen frantically running down shoulder of highway in tie dyed t-shirt
Joel keeps assuring babysitter that the kid will be there soon and he’ll be leaving shortly after
Joel hosts party with imaginary guests but real caterers
Joel runs through plate glass window chasing laser pointer dot
Joel becomes world’s dumbest owner of smartest dog breed
Joel smothers aunt
Joel climbs out of landfill covered in trash, vows revenge
Joel pays small fortune for pornographic pinball machine
Joel less affected by gravity due to hollow bones
Joel yells “shoot her!” while genetically modified lizard devours zookeeper
Joel told to stay out of station after numerous attempts to infiltrate fireman culture
Joel remains remarkably calm in panic room
Joel discovered tan and bearded at sea, floating on whale corpse
Joel digs hole to China
Joel declares dependence
Joel sees something, says nothing
Joel prematurely turns into full-blown wolfman during waxing gibbous
Joel becomes overnight millionaire after launching site to sell his handmade gewgaws, serves as powerful anecdotal fodder for those interested in capitalizing on the world wide web and in need of help doing so
Joel referred to as a “sleaze” by friend’s stepdaughter
Joel uses the brand name “Land-O-Lake” as a verb
Joel hatches plan to kidnap magician
Joel buys cheapest single-ply toilet paper while shopping for grandmother
Joel tells talent show contestant his routine was “trash”
Joel pitches “Stoned Dragon” concept station wagon at auto show
Joel forced to pull string of stolen pearls out of his mouth
Joel realizes person on phone is crying during his sales pitch
Joel thinks Poland Spring water comes from Poland
Joel spirals down drain of super sized toilet
Joel unearths ancient Joel figurine
Joel told he’s legally dead during physical exam for insurance policy
Joel hires volatile wrestler Iron Sheik as personal assistant
Joel withdraws most of son’s college fund to buy camel
Joel approaches car stopped at intersection with arms outstretched, wiggling fingers
Joel scowls at security camera in line for Six Flags rollercoaster
Joel chips tooth on gold coin, mistaking it for chocolate
Joel insensitively simplifies friend’s gender identity struggle with statement “You’s a dude”
Joel strangles cook
Joel exposes himself and shouts “tell him – he makes all of the decisions”
Joel thrown over handlebars in town center
Joel wears reading glasses to disguise illiteracy
Joel sticks out his tongue to cool down
Joel opens up to therapist who then quickly ends their relationship
Joel struck by ambulance
Joel forced by proud Muslim father to tearfully return backpack he stole from tourists
Joel delivered home by giant stork
Joel loses an entire month’s credits during futuristic swearing fit
Joel eats money
Joel informs police he doesn’t own a dog while they investigate neighbor’s complaints of incessant barking
Joel calls police on other police
Joel crosses T’s and dots J’s
Joel’s parents sit him down and explain that they’re actually his kidnappers
Joel procures island to conduct his terrible experiments
Joel rides elephant into crowd
Joel shares the primitive belief that weather is determined by the moods of his God
Joel scurries off into the brush as flashlights approach
Joel’s face scratched badly by Rod Stuart impersonator
Joel attacked by possessed Coke machine
Joel adds “Midwife” to list of past experience on his resumé
Joel puts snail in envelope, mails it
Joel eats soup with fork
Joel thinks if he squints and looks real hard he can see the American flag on the moon
Joel vomits into canvas PBS tote bag on subway
Joel unable to be put back together again by King’s horses and men
Joel gets so overcome with excitement when his owner comes home that he pees on the floor a little
Joel advertises regular bacon as applewood smoked bacon
Joel stands-in to do horse naying in sleigh ride song
Joel employs Gestapo tactics to lead high school girl’s soccer team to state victory
Joel submits that his own name should be considered a major obscenity
Joel sings Irish folk song while hiccuping after drinking a single beer
Joel takes train from one town with the word “Depot” in it to another that includes the word “Junction”
Joel angered by amount of attention friend’s cute baby is getting
Joel shows up to child’s birthday party wearing paper bag over head with eye holes cut out
Joel thinks the moon is made of cheese
Joel deduces the existence of a White Rob
Joel comes running out of house fire with as much food as he can carry
Joel burned badly by wifi hotspot
Joel physically overtaken by office intruder
Joel comes out of bathroom insisting nothing is wrong despite no one asking
Joel chokes and cries, barely able to convey that his older brother had tried to strangle him
Joel robs stranger named Peter to pay off gambling debts to unrelated bookie who happens to be named Paul
Joel threatens to use hose on elderly neighbor
Joel forced to take a timeout after going overboard with the Nintendo
Joel immediately splashed with hot grease across the neck, chest, ass, and thighs after accidentally entering wrong apartment
Joel carpetbags Hurricane Humberto’s destruction path
Joel knocks on heaven’s door, no one answers
Joel’s lipstick proves to be the same shade found on martini glass at crime scene
Joel taps the book ‘The 4-Hour Work Week’ with his knuckles and says to his boss “Read it and weep, asshole”
Joel spits at llama
Joel tapped dry by zealous hummingbird
Joel alienates core fans by developing concept group “Cherubic Nudes”
Joel gratefully allows psychic to take his car off his hands for free after she informs him a ghoul has taken up residence in the trunk
Joel spits up GI Joe action figures
Joel forces neighbor from Home Improvement to reveal his face at gunpoint
Joel told he talks too much by gregarious Dominican woman
Joel names dog Walter
Joel makes scene when office supply store manager informs him they no longer carry the Brother P-Touch
Joel gets off pot, shits
Joel places wanted ad for a streetwise Hercules
Joel lives in constant fear of not wearing gaudy, name-brand attire
Joel continues to waver on whether or not red wine and chocolate are good for you
Joel calls Uber, Uber calls police
Joel commissions fart-dance at gentleman’s club
Joel screams out to bodyguard, “Don’t let her leave!”
Joel runs across highway chasing heat-induced halucination
Joel witnesses heart attack on fairway, plays through
Joel climbs out of wooden horse, ruins empire
Joel tries to butter up Vegas cop by referring to fictitious crime from early episode of CSI
Joel lures badger into supermarket
Joel pops up and gets pounded in live action Whack a Joel game
Joel denied request to change his name to Trip Shitfield
Joel insists on there being wild sound effects and gratuitous animations accompanying mundane computer task in movie
Joel stumbles home drunk, collapses on daughter’s dollhouse
Joel nervously shields Starbucks coffee cup on opposite side of his body while passing local cafe
Joel serves beer to lifesized cardboard cutout of George Wendt
Joel confuses athlete Usain Bolt with Saddam Hussein during 2020 Summer Olympic guest spot
Joel breaks hand punching iron chef
Joel tells group of youths that condoms “just get in the way”
Joel ‘speaks now’, ruins wedding
Joel finds his car flattened under the weight of enormous nude dead woman
Joel hops on one foot reaching for pistol in his boot yelling “Hold on a minute, asshole” to fleeing crook
Joel throws deck chair off of cruise ship at night
Joel cathartically kisses the ground after short, smooth, incident-free flight on commercial airline
Joel sneaks mechanical bull into Amish community
Joel knocked out by well-timed sandbag drop
Joel discovers rocks in drawers of desk he was asked to carry up stairs
Joel’s children overhear him casually tell new acquaintance he doesn’t have any children
Joel becomes the first person to sue a non-human
Joel scowls and says “I don’t want your money” while angrily stuffing the money in his shirt pocket
Joel trips over painted line
Joel represents himself in court, keeps running back and forth when taking the stand
Joel waits till last minute, misses deadline
Joel launches Hyannis tech meetup called Cape Code but no one attends
Joel comforted by Ptolemaic model of solar system
Joel sings the hook from “How Do You Want It” to stranger on bus
Joel marries Uzbek
Joel bends down to help pick up woman’s groceries but then growls at her instead
Joel’s fall softened by rotten Chinese food in dumpster
Joel nods to his status as high-ranking corporate officer by referring to himself as “a major pervert”
Joel tells shocked tourists, “There’s wisdom in crowds” during brutal public stoning
Joel reaches hand above water, signals 1-2-3 with fingers, then waves bye-bye and sinks to the bottom
Joel found beet red and asleep on alter-like boulder mile down the shore from resort hotel
Joel passes out cold on log flume ride
Joel spotted clinging to building facade standing on narrow ledge
Joel’s feminine side prevents him from buying Just for Men product
Joel grabs frail Ikea associate by the wrist and desperately asks to be led to the exit
Joel boasts about driving to the top of Mt. Washington
Joel terrorizes student driver on open road
Joel’s recent behavior explained by being 6 months overdue for Bordetella vaccine
Joel abruptly told by psychic “I’m sorry, I can’t help you, I’m closed” in the middle of sidewalk palm reading
Joel reaches frantically for glove box when asked for license and registration
Joel stands behind half-baked pseudo-science to push dangerous diet plan
Joel reveals that his favorite movie star is Vin Basil
Joel grasps bridezilla niece by both shoulders and continues to reaffirm “This is YOUR day”
Joel subjected to elaborate prank after taking penis enlargement pills, wakes up in model house with everything 20% smaller in scale
Joel dangerously overserves booze to dwarf friend at housewarming party, is reassured when the little man rapidly repeats “I’m alright, I’m alright”
Joel stops to smell roses, gets bee sting on nose
Joel survives elevator crash by jumping at the moment of impact
Joel quickly fired as police sketch artist for repeatedly drawing The Hamburglar
Joel pulls apartment window curtains closed, finally free of the male gaze
Joel posts to online diary while sledding, calls it Toblogganing
Joel asks car salesman if they have the Dodge Horny
Joel sees in infrared spectrum during tantrum in line to meet mall Santa Claus
Joel slides crude advance scrawled on deposit slip toward rookie bank teller
Joel thinks The Who singer has real stutter while listening to My Generation
Joel appears on 911 caller ID, operator answers by barking “What now?!”
Joel shows off variety of priceless face gestures while hosting The Price is Right
Joel says “why you slippery little shit” to elderly woman who unknowingly took his parking spot
Joel fails dogcatcher final exam
Joel slapped with contempt of court just for showing up
Joel keeps pestereing his mother to watch him dive, but sees her turn away at last second
Joel acts homophobic when offered Mount Gay rum
Joel figures prison is his best option
Joel makes quick fifty bucks from Pentecostal minister by jumping out of wheelchair
Joel thrown from rollercoaster
Joel gets read the riot act by eccentric chocolate factory owner
Joel informed by mechanic of poorly wired car bomb attached to engine block
Joel asks if he can contest parking ticket at Night Court
Joel flexes and sucks in stomach on scale at doctor’s office
Joel stymied by chastity belt during medieval time travel
Joel asks extensive questions about restaurant’s wine list, ends up ordering Bud Light
Joel asked “Did you really think you’d get away with this?!” while being fired from Gap Kids for stealing
Joel invents board game in which the only way to win is to not play
Joel calls 911 during hike, suspects he’s being hunted
Joel’s warnings about southern politician being “slick seducer” fall on deaf ears
Joel brings dress, wig and makeup aboard cruise ship in the event of evacuation
Joel finds gate to Hell after eating expired ham
Joel reported to police after asking one too many questions at hot air balloon airfield
Joel finds “Joel’s mom smokes pot” note taped to his front door
Joel carefully and emphatically points out which tea is yours and which is his
Joel prefers brunettes
Joel busted for minor role in ivory trade
Joel disappoints local community with well hoax
Joel finds remnants of Leprechaun between walls in his house
Joel dangles bucket on rope from third floor for delivery driver
Joel’s mind goes blank after he boots up his ThinkPad
Joel clings to life while pinned between two cars
Joel regrets decision to take part in charity kangaroo boxing match
Joel invited to dinner at Haitian neighbors’ house who forget to put Voodoo doll of him away
Joel stays cross eyed after perfectly timed karate chop to forehead
Joel approaches broken down car to have Spanish lady yell “no thank you” behind closed window while waving him away
Joel calls 911 when stoned viewing of Charlie Kaufman film goes sideways on him
Joel sends agent’s best friend to kill him
Joel disappointed by fabled King Solomon comprimise
Joel develops nasty new snack flavor he calls “Cool Raunch”
Joel returns from restroom to find all of his fellow cult members dead
Joel nips at waitress’ fingers when she tries to take plate away
Joel goes completely incognito after parting his hair to the opposite side
Joel tries to pay for groceries with sack of rubies
Joel shouts “get out of my head!” upon realizing that support person knows he’s lying
Joel tries to convince babysitter that he’s allowed to stay up past ten
Joel grips string of lanterns with hands and clings to balcony railing with toes for dear life stretched out above raucous street festival
Joel falls out of window after struggling to carry bride over threshold
Joel approaches competing business at tradeshow and whispers “I’m gonna eat your lunch”
Joel gets clock cleaned by cukoo bird while cleaning clock
Joel tells school faculty he’s picking up child as a favor to busy parents, panics at mention of password
Joel warns house guest not to go through his shit
Joel has fake little league t-shirts printed to make it easier to sell stolen candy
Joel goes to lobster bake, gets more food on him than in him
Joel says “I have ten years” in Latin American accent
Joel threatens juror
Joel unable to walk straight after stranger blows mysterious pollen in his face
Joel sends grandmother vicious political flash animation as birthday card
Joel gets stink-riddled by fart machine gun
Joel buys mop made of human hair
Joel wears tank top, exposes handprint bruises
Joel found pacing down hotel hallway wearing curtains as robe talking out some kind of internal conflict
Joel tricked into buying bogus rare coin at flea market by woman in tie-dyed pajamas
Joel forms on again off again friendship with stray cat
Joel hit by breakaway jetski
Joel pouts in corner, repeating “you’re too good for this world” at a low whimper
Joel installs step counting app to reinforce sedentary lifestyle
Joel defends elderly woman from purse snatcher, then asks to keep purse
Joel takes both pills described in song White Rabbit at once, stays about the same size
Joel hatches poorly conceived charity event entitled Bowl with Joel
Joel blasts steam from both ears after trying ghost pepper
Joel goes blind for 24 hours after drinking from public pool
Joel and friend scam parents, eat two dinners in one night
Joel frantically operates backhoe at highway construction site with multiple people waving and yelling at him
Joel realizes he’s dead
Joel misrepresents his feeling on issue by stating “I could care less”
Joel angrily refuses floral lay necklace upon arrival in Hawaii
Joel overheard arguing in Haitian creole on cellphone with only English words being “I’ll fuck you!”
Joel witnessed removing neck brace and moving about naturally by insurance fraud investigator
Joel passes out trying to hold breath as long as David Blaine
Joel grossly exaggerates flora and fauna in real estate listing
Joel found dangling in closet wearing coat still on hanger
Joel provides commuter train passengers with a common enemy
Joel brutalized by golf ball sized hail
Joel implicated once his greasy likeness takes shape on shattered glass door pieced together by forensic specialist
Joel makes guess about animal tracks on hiking trail, is wrong about height, weight, gender and species
Joel runs toward and attempts to jump over horse
Joel left home alone by parents, invites poltergeist inside TV
Joel buys SNICKERS bar with label in proper case instead of all caps, goes into coma
Joel suspects a close friend or relative is trying to poison him
Joel trapped on couch, fearing carpet is hot lava
Joel holds up gun store with gun he bought just moments before
Joel tries to trick mailman into coming inside
Joel has strange burping fit when pressed about recent murders
Joel insists on smoking during flight
Joel smoothly slips several pennies in the trash
Joel asks Chipotle manager if he can spend the night there
Joel goes quiet and takes his pulse in the middle of conversation
Joel wishes himself Merry Christmas, opens microwave dinner
Joel likens his relationship with his cable provider to spousal rape
Joel told he’s in over his head by concerned Sidney Pollack
Joel blames destruction of neighbor’s garden on deer
Joel wanders into lamaze class
Joel stuffs pockets of cargo pants with smaller sized cargo pants
Joel sold to highest bidder at auction of Sultan perverts
Joel thrown from speeding car
Joel makes sound of tea kettle whistle until getting pounded with mallet on top of head
Joel primarily uses search engine that is not Google
Joel reaches toward sting on back of neck, discovers poison-tipped dart
Joel spins yarn about spectral locomotive
Joel knocks on neighbor’s door to ask if they have any hotdogs
Joel peers in on family eating dinner
Joel nearly drowns trying to get a closer look at the handsome man in the lake
Joel discovered frozen stiff in restaurant freezer wearing prehistoric garb
Joel sponsors young Parisian ballet dancer in possessive predatory relationship
Joel panics and runs when asked to demonstrate his knowledge of maritime knots
Joel busted for running illegal dog hotel
Joel likens physical prowess to that of a stone gibbon
Joel critically injured attempting to ride horse wearing carved pumpkin over his head
Joel’s continued confusion between Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman makes him wish they were both dead
Joel’s colleague notices that his planner consists only of the word “JOEL” in small print filling each page
Joel places cutout letters of name on forehead before entering tanning salon
Joel pockets wedding ring upon arrival at sleazy hotel bar
Joel only able to focus on yesterday and tomorrow
Joel cites stepping away from active banking session to support claim of dangerous lifestyle
Joel makes exhaustive list of which animal each of his friends resembles
Joel sometimes wonders about Wonder Woman
Joel nabbed for prowling outside Liberace estate
Joel shatters most of skeleton in hang gliding attempt
Joel faints on first day of work as air traffic controller
Joel sentenced to one year aboard decommissioned submarine after series of harmless misdemeanors
Joel suggests five minute “bio break” during meeting after clearly pissing his pants
Joel lead through enchanted forest by translucent fox
Joel wounded attempting to flee bank robbery hostage scenario
Joel fit for custom perm wig
Joel leaves real name and phone number on restroom wall flirtation
Joel run off chicken farm by hound
Joel caught on surveillance camera licking produce and putting it back
Joel amazed that horse was in fact two men in costume
Joel commits corporate espionage on behalf of Cogswell Cogs
Joel waits it out scrunched in gym locker
Joel feebly swings bat at possessed husband
Joel buys bag of magic beans from drunken wizard
Joel uncovers greedy truth behind haunted amusement park
Joel scrubs Gorbachev’s forehead
Joel suspects tampered drink, wakes up in Papa New Guinea
Joel undergoes procedure to become an albino
Joel snickers at anthropologist’s use of the term “homo erectus”
Joel entertains murderous suggestions from neighbor’s dog
Joel hides key to dead girl’s diary in hollowed out coconut
Joel deters predators by puffing up to twice his size and revealing quills
Joel buries bone for later
Joel blows talcum powder into bus driver’s face
Joel heard shouting “if you bring her in here I’m gonna kill her” in regard to brother’s wife
Joel gets rich off pot stocks, smokes away profits
Joel collapses in Popeye’s
Joel barely escapes with his life after challenging modern street gang to dance-fight
Joel blows out left knee sprinting after ice cream truck
Joel shatters priceless china after continued promise of magic tablecloth trick
Joel returns home early, intrudes on heated game of dog poker
Joel answers door to discover baby with mild resemblance
Joel asks “tell me who… and show me WHERE” to abuse victim
Joel chases swan
Joel cautiously approaches girl’s volleyball team with Federal Boob Inspector card on display
Joel considers opening a Go & Sell across the street from a Stop & Shop
Joel calls bank and issues stop payment on check to babysitter moments after thanking her and dropping her off
Joel envies pet hamster
Joel works his way down the ladder from office mailroom to janitor
Joel gets destroyed off peach wine coolers in parking lot of High School reunion
Joel has stroke while driving
Joel cites long, erroneous list of ailments curable by marijuana after listening to Peter Tosh record
Joel makes up bullshit story about a paralyzed uncle
Joel thinks legendary general’s name was “Custard”
Joel told he’s comprised of the leftover garbage unused by his estranged superior twin
Joel has strange recurring nightmare about Rescue Rangers character Monterey Jack
Joel assumes Beanie Sigel is some type of bird
Joel bumps head trying to chase mouse through small hole in wall
Joel too lazy to pick up welfare check
Joel marks perimeter of home with pungent urine to ward off other would-be Joels
Joel adopts the lean startup principle “fail fast” but never learns from his failures
Joel calmly observes the joys and heartaches of alien civilization through high powered telescope
Joel crouches in silence on toilet seat in bathroom stall as armed lunatic passes by
Joel cites heavy traffic as excuse for being late to work from home
Joel buys happiness
Joel dispels “What happens in Vegas…” adage by returning with leprosy
Joel demands squid ink printer cartridge at Office Depot
Joel sniffs twice, spits once
Joel complains that incidents of kidnapping and housefires seem to have dwindled
Joel rots throughout humid summer in Tampa, Florida
Joel depicted as monster by mall kiosk caricature artist
Joel whispers his name to himself every 30 seconds during transcontinental flight
Joel shrieks, “I can’t swim, ok! Are you happy now?!” to group of teenagers at beach
Joel fails to penetrate moated castle during Medieval campaign
Joel described as “fiendish” by hotel lobby staff
Joel prepares for slasher sale with vodka breakfast
Joel injured in sorority ladder peeping incident
Joel embarks on comedy tour entitled, “Pause for Laughter”
Joel snickers childishly when trail guide spots Woodcock
Joel chased by six white horses
Joel houses, feeds troubled teen runaway
Joel mistaken for rare sea monster
Joel prepares for Indian delivery by putting on diaper
Joel deputized by Honolulu Sherrif’s Department for role in ladyboy sex sting
Joel pinned by dimwitted giant in eighties grudge match
Joel refers to his testes as “low-hanging fruit”
Joel goes to doctor for mystery ailment, gets prescribed a slap across the face
Joel calls child plaintiffs in MJ abuse scandal “a bunch of [expletive] ingrates”
Joel posts bullshit cooking video
Joel informs friend that 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday
Joel chooses food when forced to choose between that or his wife
Joel says “nice try” to Aborigine moments before being struck in the back of the head by boomerang
Joel buys license for obsolete graphics program that only swirls faces
Joel asks old acquaintance to enter her phone number in his phone, later reaches a land line at home for invalids
Joel hotboxes vintage VW Bus with heavyset actor from Lost
Joel disguises self as woman, enters Roller Derby using pseudonym Jawanna Roel
Joel introduces immigrant neighbors at dinner party, emphasizes idea that they come from a “third world” country
Joel writes “boy problems” on insurance form as reason for concert cancellation
Joel desperately prays to Madre de Dios with elderly Mexican woman after smoking laced pot
Joel hired by TSA to sniff passengers’ luggage
Joel substitute teaches for a day, gets hospitalized for a year
Joel presides as de facto leader on island of monsters
Joel makes ludicrous, historically inaccurate statements about King Tut to entertain guests at dinner party
Joel secretly feeds block of cheese to neighbor’s dog
Joel opens mysterious trunk, gets lunged at by ventriloquist dummy
Joel gets spooked, starts stampede
Joel clears his schedule to swallow pills with grandson of pencil tycoon
Joel installs stink-activated strobe light in bathroom
Joel test drives Cadillac into lake
Joel wrestles with literal demons in ghoulish free-for-all
Joel slapped by midget on stool
Joel drags, then pushes body into canyon
Joel looks up and says “My God” after seeing devil-horned version of himself in mirror
Joel puts 0.0 bumper sticker on his car in response to 26.2 marathon version
Joel nervously leaves plate of raw chicken on his back porch nightly for what he refers to as “the monkey man”
Joel lures prostitites into carriage with rare cherries
Joel swipes cyborg arm from high tech factory
Joel leaves a trail of breadcrumbs only to get followed by birds, lost
Joel submits discovery of new periodic element with suggested name “Joelium”
Joel asks his auto mechanic about the possibility of an ejector seat
Joel heard screaming outside office park bathroom
Joel doesn’t scroll
Joel rationalizes burglary he committed of his own memorabilia
Joel interviews for dream job, asks mostly about time off policy and grievance processes
Joel smiles to reveal glistening set of fangs
Joel hides in display tent at department store until after it’s closed
Joel marks possessions with urine
Joel argues he can’t be called butterfingers because he’s all thumbs
Joel nearly chokes after ordering large pie with extra cheese
Joel jumps on the back of girl on crutches
Joel avoids leper
Joel chooses modest wooden cup from aged knight
Joel reveals his age by referring to rap group “Play and Kid”
Joel admits he wasn’t ready to care for Mogwai
Joel raised in black and white
Joel steps on crack, mother’s health improves
Joel’s internet history reveals a keen interest in clown-play
Joel tricks Indian waiter into saying “cherry pie”
Joel eats stone
Joel sleeps in cave
Joel impersonates surgeon
Joel meticulously puts bloody fingerprint on J, O, E, and L keys on display MacBooks at Apple Store
Joel embarks on ominous secret project codenamed Operation Lazarus
Joel bites child
Joel levels half of Tokyo wrestling with giant lizard
Joel gets launched off of toilet and soaked in “foul smelling goo” as thrill-seeking youths blow up plumbing under street
Joel screams at mother in response to stolen credit card accusation
Joel goes on lengthy tirade listing every race he hates starting with his own
Joel uses chopsticks as walrus tusks, chases waitress around aquarium.
Joel blindsided by haymaker
Joel intercepts poisoned date
Joel hears second face on the back of his head suggesting heinous acts
Joel playfully invites female colleague to lunch at Tavern In The Square, referencing it by its unfortunate acronym
Joel adopts Steampunk culture for one regrettable summer
Joel tells acquaintance that he works on Wall Street selling “derrigaboos”
Joel answers telephone by asking, “Uncle…?”
Joel turned away from blood bank after attempting to make withdrawal
Joel opens email attachment labeled “virus.exe” from unknown sender
Joel seen leaving hurriedly from office park moments before canned food drive donations reported missing
Joel lured by scent of pie cooling on windowsill, knocked unconscious with rolling pin
Joel stares into nozzle of gas pump to investigate why nothing’s coming out
Joel visited by talking wolf during food poisoning halucination
Joel grounded at airport following food court melee
Joel sits paralyzed on toilet of Durango bar believing TV audio is live robbery
Joel claims to have seen a Terminator after nibbling on the corner of a pot brownie
Joel uses pseudonym Crab Rang to convey that he’s a goon
Joel makes lude boob squeezing motion while telling reporter he’s rooting for Gonzaga
Joel tells Janis Joplin to ‘give it a rest’
Joel tries to assault mime, is stopped by invisible box
Joel nearly gets face bit off investigating Komodo Dragon’s nest
Joel reveals to his therapist that he sees him as a cartoon egg
Joel attempts to commercialize air
Joel discovers family photo album with pictures of him hatching from egg
Joel robs bank wearing Joel mask, gets away scott free
Joel haggles down prices at lemonade stand
Joel walks on all fours for 24 hours
Joel uses New York office backdrop to take video conference call from Caribbean vacation
Joel secures physical documents with literal firewall
Joel doesn’t understand the appeal of burritos due to never having taken the tinfoil off
Joel claims one-eighth Mohawk Indian heritage on law school application
Joel choked to death on beach by plane crash survivors after several days of fevered madness
Joel burglarizes North Cambridge apartment in desperate hunt for opioids
Joel bites off more than he can chew at Make a Wish Foundation, must name next album “Ugly Kid Joel”
Joel rage-eats submarine sandwich with wrong ingredients
Joel finds Big Easy a little difficult
Joel fries elephant in public to discredit Alternating Current
Joel alarms health food shoppers by screaming “Rabe!”
Joel brings gun to airport
Joel negotiates with terrorists
Joel begins referring to just about everybody as “Money Grip”
Joel bursts blood vessel in forehead benching what he refers to as a “fuck-ton” of weight
Joel kisses mother with that mouth
Joel pressured into joining neighborhood gang
Joel spent months sharpening fingernails into points before attack
Joel has frantic conversation with 911 operator after eighth cup of coffee
Joel emotionally buys penny stock, loses big
Joel asked if he’s alright after soaking wet handshake
Joel suspects in some vague way there’s money in computers
Joel uses Google Maps Street View to solve local mystery
Joel blacks out, plays perfect game of Castlevania
Joel sees the phrase “GET OUT” formed from Spaghetti O’s while eating in haunted house
Joel falls to pieces over moved cheese
Joel eats dog’s homework
Joel acts unreasonably hostile on his way out of yoga studio
Joel updates title to Data Scientist after logging into Google Analytics and spending a few moments looking at some charts
Joel squats over pothole, gets caught in headlights
Joel unimpressed by CT Middle School fashions after moving from affluent Dallas suburb
Joel considers himself hot shit after ordering burrito in Spanish
Joel brutalizes beginner chess opponent by invoking en passant pawn capture
Joel dismisses Ted Talk as “a lot of kumbaya”
Joel feels around for penis in moment of numb panic
Joel names son LaPhonso
Joel pretends to know what rack and pinion steering is
Joel wakes up in body cast at hospital after highway texting
Joel cons a string of elderly women in Sarasota and Boca Raton
Joel found bound and gagged in elaborate self kidnapping
Joel rips microwave handle clean off in rush to get at hot pizza
Joel learns to say “log” after years of captivity
Joel mistakes Asian American coworker for restaurant delivery person
Joel chokes on jelly bean while heckling middle school basketball team
Joel makes fool of himself with phrase “for all intensive purposes”
Joel urged by girlfriend’s mother to not go away mad, but just to go away
Joel overpays for bonsai tree at local nursery
Joel creates “poor man’s zip file” by pasting images into Word document
Joel kindly asked to leave Ben & Jerry’s after attempting to “shine” his order
Joel bets his money on the bobtail nag
Joel purchases controversial knit winter hat with baseball style brim
Joel steadfast in his belief that Joan Miro must have been some kind of woman
Joel orders assistant to bird-dog Israeli Dead Sea Hand Lotion saleswomen for email address and photos
Joel insists hotel housekeeping service make bed with him in it
Joel rides elevator alone after creeped-out woman pretends to have forgotten something and turns away
Joel attempts first cartwheel in 30 years, hand-plants on friend’s laptop, denies shattering screen
Joel grabs cashier by the wrist
Joel thinks Louie Anderson was all time best Family Feud host
Joel spotted running across highway naked from the waist down
Joel seeks crowdfunding to develop sleepwalk murder prevention kit
Joel tells angel on his shoulder to take a hike during moral crisis
Joel brings skunk cabbage salad to friend’s BBQ
Joel subjected to 48 hour spell, switching bodies with giant tree sloth
Joel entrusts invisible wizard with legal defense at trial
Joel virtually doubles in size after hopping on cartoon mushroom
Joel incites cacophony by showing teeth at dog pound
Joel utterly mesmerized after waking up drunk at Colonial Times theme park
Joel receives bar of soap and deodorant stick from Secret Santa during holiday office party
Joel smashes city bus driver over head with museum gift shop geode
Joel uses banana to rob fruit stand
Joel grows shock of white hair after witnessing enormous male twins having sex in Borders bathroom stall
Joel cites partial Irish heritage as excuse for excessive use of the ‘C’ word
Joel employs family of wolves to raise his children in barn
Joel goes into hiding after bungled Bradlees kidnapping attempt
Joel baffles Costco staff by asking “Where do you keep the big fuckers?”
Joel gets mad, then even, then arrested
Joel blames bad sushi for scratching out all the eyes in friend’s photo album
Joel rifles through woman’s purse
Joel intelligibly reads Wingdings font
Joel shows up at clown’s birthday party
Joel kicked in head by protégé, stumbles to piano and plays ragtime in concussed state
Joel attempts to glean titillating info from muffled 3 minute voicemail accidentally left by friend who pocket-dialed him
Joel cites year lived in Tucson during childhood as grounds for over-the-top southwestern motif in living room
Joel suspects pool has special dye that will turn urine purple, still takes chance
Joel drives hour to Indian grocery store to put faces to the names of the victims of his dimwitted prank calls
Joel thinks he’s better than everyone at de-shelling crab legs
Joel thinks fake candle at restaurant is real, believes friend is impervious to flame
Joel places hand in thumbs-up position on seat next to him before person sits down
Joel pats cheeks with salami slices before pressing face against glass door
Joel accuses niece of being ‘boy crazy’
Joel eats week old pizza, admits it wasn’t even from the most recent delivery
Joel found passed out wearing diapers and a lampshade on his head after making a fool of himself at reggae bashment
Joel writes “Lorem ipsum dolor” using Helvetica font, refers to himself as designer
Joel hides evidence of unused screws and brackets after assembling Ikea shelf
Joel shouts “Put your weight on him!” at backyard brawl
Joel suspects local homeless person is ‘some kind of hoodoo man’
Joel flips out over souvenir baby alligator head
Joel rushes crescendo, blows out his o-ring
Joel breaks into classroom, fist-pounds gingerbread houses into gingerbread dust
Joel gets mangled attempting to run away from alligator in zig-zag pattern
Joel prowls outside of home, isn’t sure what he’s going to do but knows it will be bad
Joel ghost writes scathing Wacko Jacko article for New York Post
Joel unnerved by “No Cornholing” sign in Cincinnati parking garage
Joel inhabits mattress in free pile near college campus, infests taker
Joel searches most of world for Carmen San Diego, doesn’t think to check San Diego
Joel concusses cartoon accomplice with frying pan
Joel nibbles macaroons like rodent in corner of cookie warehouse