Written on October 21, 2020 by Billy
Author Archive
Written on October 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel confused and delighted when gloves he wore to commit murder mysteriously don’t fit him during trial
Written on October 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel establishes his cool, no-nonsense vibe the first day teaching class by referring to long haired student as “Pearl Jam”
Written on October 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel goes berserk at Fall into Savings event at Bernardi Toyota
Written on October 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel hammers nail through baseball bat in advance of 2020 Election
Written on October 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel dangerously over-serves dwarf patron at neighborhood bar Joco’s
Written on October 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel’s problems vanish once doctor prescribes heavy dose of McTarvin
Written on October 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel unable to resist using the Gaussian Blur filter in Photoshop
Written on October 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel wears security tag on ill gotten trousers like a scarlet letter
Written on September 24, 2020 by Billy
Joel adds “Esquire” to his title on LinkedIn after completing one year of online classes at unaccredited law school
Written on September 23, 2020 by Billy
Joel’s comedy career abruptly ends upon collapse of Soviet Union
Written on September 22, 2020 by Billy
Joel swats wildly at flies that aren’t there while arguing with psychiatrist
Written on September 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel presides as self-appointed judge, jury, and executioner of futuristic city of scum
Written on September 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel watches naked ladies through hole in wall somewhere in France
Written on September 11, 2020 by Billy
Joel brings back word from the boys in the lab that the brakes had been deliberately tampered with
Written on September 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel looks up with confused smile while vodka and olives pour out of his car as he lowers window for police officer
Written on July 2, 2020 by Billy
Joel attends house flipping seminar expecting to see a ‘roid-raging hulk lift a house off it’s foundation
Written on June 30, 2020 by Billy
Joel panics and faints in glass hotel elevator that he was told would be too much for him to handle
Written on June 9, 2020 by Billy
Joel knows they can’t arrest him as long as he doesn’t stop dancing
Written on June 4, 2020 by Billy
Joel comes into possession of advanced portable personal computer during melee
Written on June 4, 2020 by Billy
Joel ransacks hooker’s apartment looking for the wallet he accidentally left in his other pair of pants
Written on June 4, 2020 by Billy
Joel blasted off roof by lightning while trying to fix TV antenna in storm
Written on June 4, 2020 by Billy
Joel sends mother on a Carnival cruise then spends entire week guessing combination to safe in her house
Written on June 4, 2020 by Billy
Joel tells bank teller “they should put a leash on you” after argument about his overdrawn account
Written on June 4, 2020 by Billy
Joel goes to church not even once despite promise made months before while praying that his girlfriend isn’t pregnant
Written on May 16, 2020 by Billy
Joel rage eats Napa Almond Chicken Salad that arrived instead of Bacon Turkey Bravo
Written on May 12, 2020 by Billy
Joel’s morbid shrine to his dead mother in the woods gets discovered by group of sex-crazed teens
Written on May 12, 2020 by Billy
Joel provides a coarse, booming rundown of some of the more valuable baseball cards included in sale
Written on May 7, 2020 by Billy
Joel explains he’s using “the big fuckers” at bowling party, referring to the heaviest available balls
Written on May 7, 2020 by Billy
Joel continues to stall client, eventually suggesting that maybe doing nothing is the smartest bet
Written on May 7, 2020 by Billy
Joel hires flash mob to invade the home of reclusive, agoraphobic doctor
Written on May 7, 2020 by Billy
Joel’s attorney begs him to reconsider leaving his body to dog food factory
Written on April 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel was able to get home from police station in time for WrestleMania by telling detectives whatever they wanted to hear
Written on April 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel hoots and woops while boarding party bus with group of middle aged women
Written on April 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel unable to catch a break when stopped for speeding while naked in his car again
Written on April 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel uses his contacts in City Hall to get Board of Health off his brother-in-law’s back
Written on April 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel tells police that assailant drove off in “little bitch car” but is unable to provide any basic details about make, model, number of doors, or color
Written on April 14, 2020 by Billy
Joel goes berserk at Off Track Betting location upon finding out someone cooked his favorite horse
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel shot down in supermarket parking lot during height of the virus scare
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel gets dressed up in a hooded sweatshirt, aviator glasses, and a curly ass wig to make some bombs
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel not dead six days before his wife marries the dirty dog that shot him down
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel hit across back with two by four and immobilized by hero Home Depot employee
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel terrorized on highway by sleek Japanese sport motorcycle gang
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel seen standing in his front yard motionless in bathrobe and aviator sunglasses for 30 minutes
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel gains ultimate competitive advantage by partnering with Franklin Covey
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel unwilling to explain what he meant by “scantavious” when addressing his company’s financial outlook
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel flees scene and goes home and waits until he hears pounding on his door
Written on April 1, 2020 by Billy
Joel rips copper piping from abandoned houses to fuel his drug habit
Written on March 7, 2020 by Billy
Joel tells hotel room service he has a black eye and they need to send up a raw steak
Written on March 7, 2020 by Billy
Joel creates an unsafe environment for the minors living in his residence
Written on March 7, 2020 by Billy
Joel undergoes extreme weight gain with the goal of remaining only mobile enough to kill
Written on March 7, 2020 by Billy
Joel overreacts to clattering dishes from kitchen to keep up his lie about being a veteran
Written on February 25, 2020 by Billy
Joel heads home from stressful IT job to sickly wife and screaming baby in haunted house
Written on February 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel writhes and seethes in the drama that always surrounds him
Written on February 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel explains that Monster Energy Drink is just Energy Drink if you’re a monster
Written on February 21, 2020 by Billy
Joel enters insurance company in conga line with giddy criminals
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel remarks about the sickness he’s made to feel by his mother
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel invites friend to car stereo shop, explaining that he’s making a sound investment
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel staggers into wedding drunk and covered in blood before collapsing on the bride
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel comes out of tanning booth to find two detectives waiting for him
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel wonders if he already shows humility, can he be humiliated?
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel believes his baby is more special and good looking than others
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel asks AirBnB host if he can pay for the damages ahead of time
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel continues to slap the driver’s side window until woman finally works up the nerve to run the light
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel shocks child psychologist when she sees his stick figure drawing of his family includes an added figure with a bloody hook
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel unable to top his early eighties sonic masterpiece “Turd Circus”
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel wakes up from coma years after saying “I’d like to see you try”
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel calls up friend crying and tells him to urgently meet him at Pizzeria Uno
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel uses floodlight circuit breaker to signal for help in Morse code from locked basement
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel seen spinning around in burlap Grateful Dead hoodie with arms extended on the verge of collapse
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel gets face scratched by screaming Chinese woman in surgical mask
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel lifts himself up from laying down face first in puddle of mud and reveals red glowing eyes
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel starts small exporting business selling American blue jeans to Russia
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel keeps running and stays upright rigidly after getting caught on fire
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel feels 13 or 14 hands on him while getting extradited from Indonesia
Written on February 17, 2020 by Billy
Joel seen panning for gold in winter runoff next to shopping plaza
Written on February 16, 2020 by Billy
Joel hastily chooses his 5 free CD’s while signing up for Colombia Music Club
Written on February 15, 2020 by Billy
Joel continues to wear suspenders after the invention of the belt
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel undergoes procedure making his Before picture look far better
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel devours tupperware full of spaghetti on public bus, getting speckles of tomato sauce on person sitting next to him
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel’s mother reminds him that if he had just married Sid Seidelman none of this would have happened
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel quietly chuckles about a Ducktales episode he saw 30 years ago
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel unknowingly provides DNA sample by discarding soda can in interrogation room
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel sponsors event where alcohol is distributed to horny realtors
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel honors code of trust between him and tiny bird that cleans his teeth
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel’s wrist grabbed from behind the dairy freezer while choosing eggs
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel holds naked killer at gun point but let’s him get away before police arrive
Written on October 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel does something that really sets off the baboons at space station
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel repeatedly told “Get out of here” by screaming fat white man with female voice
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel crashes through impound lot gate towing trolly-car hotdog stand
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel has flashback to black tie corporate event where Caribbean style music is playing and a few powerful people want him dead
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel waits patiently for neighbors to go on vacation to rip the siding from their home
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel joins effort to rescue child in well and doesn’t disclose that he put her down there
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel rips off bead necklace and says if anyone steps on any of the beads his gang will kill them
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel caught drawing crude penis on neighbor’s lawn with weed killer
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel described as one cool customer by local pimp to detective
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel’s last log entry reads “8:05 pm – Then most severe crisis…”
Written on September 26, 2019 by Billy
Joel flees from burning pharmacy with pillowcase full of pills
Written on September 11, 2019 by Billy
Joel puts together makeshift woodland shrine for mother’s rotting head
Written on September 11, 2019 by Billy
Joel grabs child by arm and whispers terms of extravagant bribe for candy manufacturer’s secret recipe
Written on September 11, 2019 by Billy
Joel applies to job under the assumed name DeHartford Throbbins
Written on September 11, 2019 by Billy
Joel becomes far more pleasant after washing handful of pills down with tequila
Written on September 11, 2019 by Billy
Joel attempts to wrestle infant out of mother in stolen labcoat
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel disproves the saying that you only regret the things you don’t do
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel would have gotten away with it if he didn’t go back to admire his work
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel given special privileges for his ability to cure the Tsar’s son’s hemophilia
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel overheard calling several local costume shops in search of “bulletproof gorilla suit”
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel discovers the dirty truth that there is no Ken Griffey Senior
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel’s detective agency currently limited to serving Greater Tulsa
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel scans showroom, chooses salesperson who was clearly at one point the victim of a throat slashing
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel forced to grapple with an even nastier version of himself at high school reunion
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel gets himself in the conversation of front-runners for town dump’s member of the year award
Written on August 29, 2019 by Billy
Joel goes into his Windows Twain32 folder and starts deleting shit when his scanner doesn’t work
Written on August 15, 2019 by Billy
Joel studies how to open all of the current decade’s top selling cars’ trunks from the inside
Written on August 13, 2019 by Billy
Joel goes right back to hoarding hours after the camera crews and cleaning crew heads out
Written on August 9, 2019 by Billy
Joel wheeled out in jail wagon past boy selling newspapers with headline “JOEL GUILTY”
Written on August 9, 2019 by Billy
Joel accuses ER doctor of breaking Hippocratic Oath for determining he is mentally fit enough for jail in the early morning hours after destroying merchandise and harassing employee at convenience store
Written on August 9, 2019 by Billy
Joel tells 5 year old nephew “You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain”
Written on August 9, 2019 by Billy
Joel describes himself as someone who needs to issue a lot of warnings to people
Written on August 9, 2019 by Billy
Joel operates right-leaning disinformation blog under pseudonym Little Jack Horner
Written on August 9, 2019 by Billy
Joel plunges dagger into back of man wearing toga and olive leaf crown
Written on August 9, 2019 by Billy
Joel maneuvers office beauracracy with the precision of a horny mechanical bull operator
Written on August 9, 2019 by Billy
Joel changes the trailing “and 00/100 cents” to “and 100/100 cents” to squeeze an extra buck out of personal check from mother
Written on July 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel pins housing association rejection letter above his bomb-making work area
Written on July 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel speaks in third person while defending himself in murder trial
Written on July 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel prescribes two courses of action suiter should take depending on wealth level of love interest’s father
Written on July 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel stares angrily into arcade game screen, manhandling joystick and ignoring friend’s pleas for forgiveness
Written on June 15, 2019 by Billy
Joel cautions the scheming Stovetop Stuffing kids about the dangers of overeating
Written on June 15, 2019 by Billy
Joel turns the tables by paying would-be assassin double to kill who hired him
Written on June 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel suggests that anxiety based innovation is the future, in pre-recorded video
Written on June 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel rushed to hospital after wolfing down molten hot Mama Celeste pizza
Written on May 21, 2019 by Billy
Joel dismisses innovative scatter plot visualization of cholera outbreak centered around infected water pump, blames situation simply on “foul air”
Written on May 21, 2019 by Billy
Joel’s credit card expires, causing a lapse in his subscription of Skanks Monthly
Written on May 21, 2019 by Billy
Joel deduces the killer’s race as Caucasian due to the dramatic and heinous nature of the crimes
Written on May 21, 2019 by Billy
Joel looks at finger that is pointing to the moon, misses all of the heavenly glory
Written on May 21, 2019 by Billy
Joel switches up his meds after complaining that things felt just too steady
Written on May 12, 2019 by Billy
Joel plays off seizure as deliberate dance move in front of strobe lights at night club
Written on May 12, 2019 by Billy
Joel smiles and waves car into parking garage while bound and gagged attendant wriggles at his feet inside booth
Written on May 12, 2019 by Billy
Joel’s credit card expires, causing a lapse in his subscription of Skanks Monthly
Written on May 12, 2019 by Billy
Joel unable to discern which one is the Mac Daddy and which one is the Daddy Mac
Written on May 12, 2019 by Billy
Joel accuses date of switching drinks with him while he wasn’t looking
Written on May 12, 2019 by Billy
Joel hides in back seat under quilt during Mexico/US border crossing
Written on May 12, 2019 by Billy
Joel loses sleep by brewing Eight O’Clock coffee at the inherently prescripted time
Written on May 12, 2019 by Billy
Joel begins the majority of his sentences with “You know, it would be a real shame if…”
Written on March 4, 2019 by Billy
Joel returns to locker room to find police dumping contents of his gym bag onto the floor
Written on March 4, 2019 by Billy
Joel applies for handicap license plate on the grounds of being an emotional cripple
Written on March 4, 2019 by Billy
Joel weaves in and out erratically from carpool lane arguing that it’s just paint
Written on March 4, 2019 by Billy
Joel’s patients start to notice his diplomas have other people’s names on them
Written on February 3, 2019 by Billy
Joel fed romantic lines from behind bush by some big nosed Italian
Written on February 3, 2019 by Billy
Joel’s family told by doctor his chances aren’t very good considering he’s not a fighter
Written on February 3, 2019 by Billy
Joel breaks it to woman named Zoë that her name limits her to health food industry
Written on January 24, 2019 by Billy
Joel assumes he can read braille thinking it must be just raised English letters
Written on January 19, 2019 by Billy
Joel rips page out of phone book and exits without paying tab at diner
Written on January 17, 2019 by Billy
Joel seen wishfully mouthing words with eyes closed while holding a monkey’s paw
Written on January 17, 2019 by Billy
Joel writes script for male prostitute film “For a Few Dollars More” unaware that title was in use
Written on January 17, 2019 by Billy
Joel buys unlimited lifetime admittance to Dr. Terror’s Panic Maze
Written on January 11, 2019 by Billy
Joel rushes back and forth between Golden Corral and The 99 Steakhouse, pretending to frequently need to use the bathroom in each, while managing two different dates
Written on January 11, 2019 by Billy
Joel begs cab driver to take him somewhere – anywhere to escape clutches of vicious white pimp
Written on January 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel tells interviewer that his biggest problem is that he’s too impressionable
Written on January 6, 2019 by Billy
Joel builds tolerance to hallucinagens in order to lord over new believers
Written on January 4, 2019 by Billy
Joel tells manager he needs to miss work to deal with a restraining order
Written on December 17, 2018 by Billy
Joel plays harmonica for a small pack of rats at the rail yard
Written on December 10, 2018 by Billy
Joel clearly hears “Backup to pharmacy” upon entering drug store
Written on December 10, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s meager allowance forces choice between alien and pot leaf blacklight posters
Written on December 10, 2018 by Billy
Joel pressures frat pledge into drinking self to death at clown college
Written on December 10, 2018 by Billy
Joel asks doctor if Cialis is right for him while concealing erection
Written on December 4, 2018 by Billy
Joel frustrated by trade-offs in Oregon Trail character selection
Written on November 29, 2018 by Billy
Joel wakes in haze to find incriminating Polaroids spread throughout hotel room
Written on November 21, 2018 by Billy
Joel chalks up Coolidge and Wilson presidencies to public’s fondness of alliteration
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel crawls through sewer, comes out the other side in prison cell
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel organizes bigoted march on Washington the day after Thanksgiving aptly named White Friday
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel adopts violent, clown-oriented rap-rock culture to combat the pain of being unable to compete in the digital economy
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel stops off on trip home from light Japanese meal to pick up heavy Chinese one
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel uses the gold standard of “10 year old boy” when describing the ideal human buttocks
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel emulates the general style of militant extremists without necessarily adopting their views and beliefs
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s autobiography “Monstrosity” pulled from shelves and burned in religious pockets
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel persuades Cincinnati quarterback Andy Dalton to hurl ball through goalposts
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel purchases All You Can Keefe pass, allotting him unlimited visits to the O’Keefe museum during his stay in Santa Fe
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel passed over for lead in political thriller due to sub-par intelligence
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel insists to customer during support call that the problem lies between the computer and the keyboard
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel reveals soaking wet armpits while wiping sweat from forehead during Nor’easter weather report
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel foolishly refuses to leave house after obvious signs of haunting
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel photographed grimacing with eyes closed while getting sacked
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel reminds women that life doesn’t pause, even for vaginal health issues
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel tucks end of tablecloth into collar as makeshift bib, twiddles fingers in delight before picking up knife and fork and embarking on orgiastic feast
Written on November 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s McDonald’s shift supervisor confirms mother’s worst fear
Written on November 19, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s mother regrets letting him choose his own outfit for picture day
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel estimates distance between two Los Angeles locations to be about 45 minutes give or take traffic
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel employs “Throw Catch Win” strategy in Bengals’ 2018 road to victory
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel casually picks belly button lint through lower buttons of dress shirt while meeting with realtor
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel uses Google Translate to decipher whether “idiota” is a compliment or an insult
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel adds rainbow to church signage to increase congregation size
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel offers woman wad of cash in grocery line to not contest price of item
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel designates separate corners for solid and liquid waste during weekend elevator lock-in
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel builds fortified Mexican villa where he is free to read Joan Wilder romance novels in peace
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel attributes menacing vibe to surplus of Monster energy drinks
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel earns promotion with heightened energy fueled by microdosing crack cocaine
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s grandmother detects strong smell of bug spray in bag of pot he sold to her
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel sprayed in face with oven cleaner by housekeeper during argument about payment
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel uses coworker’s personal coffee mug despite agreeing not to
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s coworkers unsure whether to ask if he’d been in a fight over the weekend
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel clearly heard eating in bathroom stall where small mountain of candy wrappers are later found on floor
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel starts zipper company with intent to compete against industry giant YKK
Written on October 5, 2018 by Billy
Joel asks store manager if they have any cheaper eggs in worse condition
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel overheard slandering his new brother-in-law in bathroom at wedding
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel claims his Dad already OK’d sleepover when asking his Mom
Joel
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel makes things difficult for father by insisting on highly sought after action figure for Christmas
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s IMDB credits reveal a disproportionate number of references to the words “coke” and “werewolf”
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel figures flushing an airplane toilet rains waste from the sky
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s political science major lands him secure job at Starbucks
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel struggles to shake hysterical Indian coworker off his back after argument turns physical
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel questions wife about phone number scrawled on matchbook from bar called Cheaters
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel talked down by hotel lobby staff while demanding more drinks
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel mishears spy movie dialogue, believing character to be “Double Asian”
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel secures position as top-level hatchet man for erratic Texas mogul
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel flexes at Terminal and asks airline attendant if he can get on plane with his “guns”
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s desperate agreement to waive inspection on purchase and sale leads to basement demon haunting
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel visited by Hamburger Helper glove during moment of indecision about what to make for dinner
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel forced to choose between chain and knife in abandoned factory fight
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel uses drugs and alcohol to suppress pain of unresolved childhood trauma
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel says “she is like animal” in heavy Russian accent in regard to woman he observes
Written on August 30, 2018 by Billy
Joel tricked and lured into rehab center with promise of ice cream
Written on August 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel markets new brand of high powered binoculars called The Staremaster
Written on August 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel cites popular cartoon characters when justifying shirt-only lifestyle
Written on July 18, 2018 by Billy
Joel gets impatient and ends up joining the Sixth Day Adventists instead
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel hides in closet after scoring bad designer drugs at Asian nightclub
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel chips tooth while testing to see if the crucifix he stole is real gold
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel starts making fake sign language gestures at girl wearing hearing aid
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel wakes up in one-piece pajamas and lights candle to investigate sound of rattling chains
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel protects child’s innocence by removing page in Peter Rabbit where protagonist’s father is cooked in a pie
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel visibly gaunt and exhausted due to toxic relationship with elderly mother
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel seen rolling in the street wrestling with firehose on full blast
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel puts 45 of disco hit Hot Stuff on turntable at 33 rpm while cleaning his guns
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel forced to make Sophie’s choice between glazed donut and chocolate eclair
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel becomes insanely jealous at doctor’s mention of other patients
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel wakes up hours later still in conference room wearing gag glasses with painted cartoon eyes
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel, with empty expression, stares through co-worker while others sing Happy Birthday in office break room
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel relocates peanut butter to opposite side of store from jelly on first day as supermarket manager
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel found busting up basement floor with sledgehammer searching for money at dead uncle’s house
Written on May 31, 2018 by Billy
Joel uses childish sailboat and crab stencils to paint custom tote bags for friends at halfway house
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel affixes Punisher sticker to back window of truck to suggest that he’s capable of murder
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel plays role of flippant police officer who irrationally will not take desperate caller seriously
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel refuses to accept that “Stuck in the Middle with You” isn’t a Bob Dylan recording
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel cuts corners building straw house easily blown down by cartoon wolf
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel asks sports store manager if they have any cheaper children’s football helmets than the cheapest ones he found
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel tells wife he went into attic to investigate sound of laughter but she knows he has drugs stashed up there
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel stumbles across trove of ghoulish nicknacks in elderly Croatian woman’s basement
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel keeps observation of potentially catastrophic situation at condo complex to himself
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel shaves uneven chunks from hair before meeting to secure small business loan
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel walks across metal beam during high rise construction with balance of stiff Native American
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel lays awake hearing growling and meat-slapping through hotel room wall
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel spins “Dirty/Clean” dishwasher magnet the wrong way to upset colleagues
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel adopts fledgling child actor to get at his potential future earnings
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel dances furiously in abandoned warehouse because no one understands him
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel lives by the Islamic Numerological adage “No pork on the fork”
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel late for work after sleeping through blaring alarm clock playing “Start Me Up”
Written on May 14, 2018 by Billy
Joel wears t-shirt with blazer in hopes of attracting like-minded psychopaths
Written on May 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel makes off with donation basket from Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting
Written on May 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel carefully studies and memorizes Zodiac animals and birth years from Chinese menu
Written on May 1, 2018 by Billy
Joel horrified by implied cannibalism of cartoon pig chef as BBQ joint logo
Written on May 1, 2018 by Billy
Joel walks around with major boner at his parents’ house like he doesn’t understand his body yet
Written on May 1, 2018 by Billy
Joel provides made-up name of resident he’s visiting when caught prowling around nursing home
Written on May 1, 2018 by Billy
Joel draws false, wildly inaccurate conclusions while observing sedimentary rock during hike
Written on May 1, 2018 by Billy
Joel reveals his plan to event rental salesman of collapsing tent to trap party guests
Written on May 1, 2018 by Billy
Joel orders Chinese delivery in offensive Asian accent, reasoning that it makes him more easily understood
Written on April 25, 2018 by Billy
Joel sings into remote and dances on coffee table before finally collapsing
Written on April 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel references Yahoo “10 Worst Cities in the US” listicle before planning next move
Written on April 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel eats personal check made out to him at fender bender scene to convey his unwillingness to settle out of court
Written on April 20, 2018 by Billy
Joel handpicked from labor camp by aging Colonel to go back and win the Vietnam War
Written on April 7, 2018 by Billy
Joel feels like calling one type of apple a “Delicious Apple” is unfair to other apples
Written on April 7, 2018 by Billy
Joel forced into police car while shouting “America eats its young!”
Written on March 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel stands up during party to propose a toast, pauses, falls face first through glass coffee table
Written on March 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel hears plot to kill him unfold while his wife talks in her sleep
Written on March 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel stumbles upon his own gravestone while cutting through cemetery during drunk and stoned walk home from babysitting gig
Written on March 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel tells Footlocker salesman that he needs a pair of sneakers to win the rat race
Written on March 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel finds out that it’s actually very unpleasant to stay at the YMCA
Written on March 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel includes Tom when bragging about number of friends on MySpace
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel starts opinionated online mailing list called The Houston Moms Association
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel too scared to watch New England area food-related television program, Phantom Gourmet
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel tackled attempting to tug airplane door latch open mid flight
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel accepts fainting as normal daily phenomena and doesn’t seek medical attention
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel sprints through rear exit of restaurant as Frankenstein storms in looking for him
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel spit on by protesters upon returning home from Vietnam as a tourist
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel puts off installing Ubuntu OS, reasoning that he doesn’t speak “African”
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel insists that throwing figure skating partner into stands was accident
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel explains dog’s indifference to owner’s financial situation
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel takes random day off in April, claiming it to be “Mexican Easter”
Written on February 26, 2018 by Billy
Joel asks for second larger sandwich to wrap around his first, smaller sandwich
Written on February 19, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s face begins to materialize on police artist’s sketchpad
Written on January 16, 2018 by Billy
Joel receives panicked voicemail from mother asking “How much do you owe these people?”
Written on January 13, 2018 by Billy
Joel waits in limo while driver chases woman on foot through woods
Written on January 13, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s eyes turn into spinning pinwheels upon entering candy shop
Written on January 13, 2018 by Billy
Joel posts YouTube video titled “Top 10 Haunted Dolls Caught on Tape”
Written on January 13, 2018 by Billy
Joel let go from fortune cookie company after his work reveals a pattern of doom
Written on January 13, 2018 by Billy
Joel creates kitchen calamity by putting wrong type of soap in dishwasher
Written on January 13, 2018 by Billy
Joel exposed pooping in the wind after shell of port-a-potty gets blown off its base
Written on January 13, 2018 by Billy
Joel caught gyrating pelvis during conference call, unaware his webcam was enabled
Written on January 13, 2018 by Billy
Joel refers to city council as “band of thugs” after being denied minor zoning request
Written on January 13, 2018 by Billy
Joel enters arm wrestling competition to win love of son, loses
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel posts “New year, same old shit” to social media minutes after ball drops
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel’s sentence reduced to four cane lashes after President Clinton steps in
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel sought “Angel Dust or anything like it” according to local Hawaiian
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel claws at locked door at David’s Bridal, demands to speak to David
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel risks life by flying somewhere he could have just driven to
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel unleashes invasive non-native critters at each stop of world tour
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel jerks to and fro on mechanical bull like rag doll while being hissed and spit at by drunk rednecks
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel sets surprisingly hostile away message on his email during Holiday Break
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel avoids Hostess Cakes, believing them to be made of hostesses
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel thinks he did the math right and doesn’t understand how it could be wrong
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel loses sensation in both arms for 24 hours after trying to show off with jackhammer
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel proposes “Soup Living Room” where the homeless can eat on couches in front of TVs like the rest of us
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel does incessant Woody the Woodpecker laugh while strapped to hospital bed
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel swallows handful of pills and nods excitedly during meeting
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel appears to be very nonchalant while small kitchen fire grows out of control
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel decides to bring the fight to menacing, elderly rival after encounter with wolf
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel gets caught in one of many rat traps that form perimeter around his house
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel begins screenplay with narration “New York: A city with 10 million stories to tell. This is one of them.”
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel pulls up to stop light in Pontiac Fiero, revs engine and wiggles tongue at pedestrians
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel turns around when hearing “You filthy little pervert,” figuring it’s most likely directed at him
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel spins around and around listening to Donna Summer’s “I Feel Love” before collapsing from drug induced hyperthermia
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel flips switchblade comb out on subway car and winks at elderly woman
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel thinks former boxing champ Tyson owns chicken company of the same name
Written on January 2, 2018 by Billy
Joel wears diaper to limit stops on cross-country drive to stalk astronaut
Written on December 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel tells senior citizen, “If you’re cold just keep your oven running”
Written on December 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel advises Alpo marketing exec, “You need to be advertising to dogs, not people”
Written on December 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel wiggles his fingers and whispers “ground-a shake-a” to describe earthquake to another native English speaker
Written on December 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel fined heavily for masterminding unlicensed Haitian cab operation
Written on December 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel lends car to close friend minutes before reporting it stolen
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel believes religious former pro football player’s name to be Tim Tivo
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel angers Father Christmas with greedy and unrealistic requests
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel allows diseased pet rodent to escape his pocket, ruins neighbor’s party
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel gives timid secretary box of shotgun shells as Secret Santa gift
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel puts car keys on table to raise bet in poker game, walks home
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel confounds delivery driver by turning off lights and ignoring phone calls
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel asked to leave wedding after demanding to witness consummation
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel waves insurance policy angrily, shouting “I’m worth more dead than alive!”
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel claims temporary upside down vision as reason for entering bathroom door marked “W”
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel wears chef uniform and smokes cigarette in alley behind restaurant, runs away when spotted
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel tells car passenger to take a peek at gun in glove compartment
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel causes tea cup and saucer to chatter while standing and shivering in kitchen of good samaritan’s house at night after swerving car into pond to avoid whispy phantasm
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel bashfully admits to pooping through hammock onto heat mad computer anti-virus mogul
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel is so far off in his analysis that he is accidentally right, despite reading wrong book
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel uses footage of early aviation disasters in smear campaign against local political hopeful
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s ill-advised “Kill Whitey” Facebook post returns to haunt him in local election
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel gets lethal dose of pills snatched out of his hand by seagull
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s laptop quickly develops Stockholm Syndrome with ransomware
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel chased out of grocery store for drawing large black X’s on peaches with sharpie
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel dresses up like Middle Eastern sheik, runs wildly through airport screaming
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel euthanized in tar pit upon reaching age limit of futuristic society
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel sports Aztec poncho and man bun at far out ideas conference
Written on December 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel squints, points to far away corner of outfield, strikes out
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel brings picture of red squirrel to hairdresser and says “Make me look like this”
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel publicly assaulted on Hollywood Walk of Fame by keyed up Mickey Rourke
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel sniffs and spins around furiously in pile of leaves looking for the ideal spot to relieve himself
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel returns from supermarket to find car booted with note on windshield that says “You filthy little pig”
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel piles dirty undies in corner of room and refers to it as Skid Row
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel thumped square on top of head by foul ball at baseball stadium
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel writes his name backwards in red lipstick on door in front of mirror during nightmarish hissyfit
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel uses traditional Western European knowledge and scientific method as cold blanket of superiority during equatorial visit
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel wears “cat’s eyes” contact lenses and movie quality vampire fangs for driver’s license photo
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel assumes most zookeepers are vegetarian but then sees one eating a smoked chimp’s hand
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel organizes North Shore monster truck rally called “Smashachusetts”
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel develops concept for frigid new fitness regiment called Frozen Yoga
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel gets all righteous with kid about Frankenstein being the creator’s name and not the monster’s
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel installs satellite dish in back yard attempting to summon sex alien
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel says “Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, don’t play a song for me” to co-worker tapping on desk
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel winds up in bushes after making unwelcomed pass at female bodybuilder
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel mysteriously appears as fifth face on Mount Rushmore for one afternoon
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel toys with woman’s emotions, taking her to fancy restaurant and bending down on one knee to tie shoelace
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel clings to ladder falling over backward during sorority peeping tom stunt
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel abandons boat and flees state after things heat up over parasailing disaster
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel signs over wife and investment accounts to Bahamian womanizer
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel swings pocketbook recklessly while trying to move his braids off his face behind his ear
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s rain soaked face appears in child’s bedroom window during bursts of lightning
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel obsessively keeps patrons’ water glasses full at Thai restaurant
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel immediately forgets everyone who aided his mayoral campaign moments after winning
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel seen power walking with group of older women gossiping about neighbors
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel carries out full shift as waiter at 2x speed after confusing speed pills for vitamins
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel kicked in head and knocked out while holding board in karate demo
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel believes flu shots are ploy to inject tiny microchips in population
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel winks at SCUBA instructor on ocean floor, rapidly inflates vest
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel answers “how do I do what?” when politely asked “how do you do?”
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel believes person named Ben Dover possessed textbook before him
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel puts out personal ad seeking full figured woman specifically named Brenda
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel goes tanning in crude, homemade outfit that only exposes his privates
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel tells child the legend of the stink comet that will light up the night sky with its green gassy tail and make the world smell like rotten eggs
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel trusted Sleepy’s for the rest of his life; now he isn’t sure
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel coerced into giving wrong answers during Manitowoc County murder investigation
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel walks out from behind paper screen wearing kimono and taking short steps
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel tells friendly tourist family on Tucscon hiking trail that there’s really no need to worry about snakes
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel sues over his likeness to perverted turtle character in satirical children’s book
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel hands out ape costumes and plastic rifles to staff at Charlton Heston’s nursing home
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel uses local 5k charity race as opportunity to drink dangerously
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s screenplay “Bed & Breakfast Tanzania” lambasted for being being both unoriginal and completely historically inaccurate
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel wakes up in cargo section of moving plane with nasty bump on the back of head
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel cuts off software development lead, saying “I don’t need to see how the sausage is made”
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel actively looks for opportunities to use the phrase “Indian Giver”
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel wonders if L.L. Bean could possibly be a coffee distributor owned by L.L. Cool J.
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel gets walked-in on while pasting together collage for neighbor’s teen class presidency campaign while listening to “Whoomp There It Is”
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel spits out mild Indian food having never tasted anything that exotic
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel comments to coworker, “Give him enough rope and he’ll hang himself,” about employee they want to get rid of
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel catches Hepatitis C from a Hepatitis C awareness poster on subway train
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel thinks banana nut bread is just bread for people who are nuts about bananas
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel slapped after asking woman with musky body odor if he can “get down with the clown”
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel blows cloud of wizard smoke out of car while dropping off kid at school
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel forced to switch seats with other airline passenger after declining emergency exit responsibilities
Written on October 29, 2017 by Billy
Joel feeds chocolate covered espresso beans to hyperactive toddler
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel hides out in grocery store after closing and binge eats yesterday’s bake
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel subdued and placed in captivity after reported loping down roadside
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel afraid of coffee grinder, claiming it sounds too much like T. Rex
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel caught by security camera stealing baby Jesus from manger
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel tries to cover up scratch to father’s car leading to a hilarious string of more complicated problems
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel tries to hydrate bacon bits during last minute breakfast disaster while hosting royal family
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel asks friend’s grandfather if he was the carpenter that made Pinocchio
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel insists on wearing British helmet hat during Safari tour
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel hears violent armed robbery while receiving acupuncture treatment
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel entertains procedure to replace his lower half with that of a horse
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel takes on Foghorn Leghorn persona for 48 hours after drinking bathtub moonshine
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel looks at seat assignment on boarding pass for 15th time just to be sure before taking seat
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel continues to knock on locked restroom door while voice from inside screams “occupied”
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel gets into fist fight with personified manifestation of the human papaloma virus
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel hunted after airing prime time special demystifying popular magic tricks
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel admits three clumsy kids standing on each other’s shoulders in trenchcoat to R Rated movie
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel puts most expensive hotdog buns in friend’s shopping cart
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel tumbles down escalator after looking back to scowl at cashier who wouldn’t accept expired coupon
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel breaks hand attempting to karate chop through block of ice
Written on September 19, 2017 by Billy
Joel shown on traffic cam laughing wildly while running intersection
Written on September 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel researches his family tree and discovers a coat of arms showing a bear eating a pig
Written on September 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel gears up for impending divorce by purchasing copy of Eat Pray Love
Written on September 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel pesters plaintiff on courthouse steps for his reaction to verdict while clearly not associated with the press
Written on September 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel seen frantically running down shoulder of highway in tie dyed t-shirt
Written on September 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel keeps assuring babysitter that the kid will be there soon and he’ll be leaving shortly after
Written on September 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel runs through plate glass window chasing laser pointer dot
Written on September 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel yells “shoot her!” while genetically modified lizard devours zookeeper
Written on September 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel told to stay out of station after numerous attempts to infiltrate fireman culture
Written on September 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel discovered tan and bearded at sea, floating on whale corpse
Written on September 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel prematurely turns into full-blown wolfman during waxing gibbous
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel buys cheapest single-ply toilet paper while shopping for grandmother
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel told he’s legally dead during physical exam for insurance policy
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel approaches car stopped at intersection with arms outstretched, wiggling fingers
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel scowls at security camera in line for Six Flags rollercoaster
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel insensitively simplifies friend’s gender identity struggle with statement “You’s a dude”
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel exposes himself and shouts “tell him – he makes all of the decisions”
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel opens up to therapist who then quickly ends their relationship
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel forced by proud Muslim father to tearfully return backpack he stole from tourists
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel loses an entire month’s credits during futuristic swearing fit
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel informs police he doesn’t own a dog while they investigate neighbor’s complaints of incessant barking
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s parents sit him down and explain that they’re actually his kidnappers
Written on August 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel shares the primitive belief that weather is determined by the moods of his God
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel thinks if he squints and looks real hard he can see the American flag on the moon
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel unable to be put back together again by King’s horses and men
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel gets so overcome with excitement when his owner comes home that he pees on the floor a little
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel employs Gestapo tactics to lead high school girl’s soccer team to state victory
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel submits that his own name should be considered a major obscenity
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel sings Irish folk song while hiccuping after drinking a single beer
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel takes train from one town with the word “Depot” in it to another that includes the word “Junction”
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel angered by amount of attention friend’s cute baby is getting
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel shows up to child’s birthday party wearing paper bag over head with eye holes cut out
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel comes running out of house fire with as much food as he can carry
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel comes out of bathroom insisting nothing is wrong despite no one asking
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel chokes and cries, barely able to convey that his older brother had tried to strangle him
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel robs stranger named Peter to pay off gambling debts to unrelated bookie who happens to be named Paul
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel forced to take a timeout after going overboard with the Nintendo
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel immediately splashed with hot grease across the neck, chest, ass, and thighs after accidentally entering wrong apartment
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s lipstick proves to be the same shade found on martini glass at crime scene
Written on August 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel taps the book ‘The 4-Hour Work Week’ with his knuckles and says to his boss “Read it and weep, asshole”
Written on August 2, 2017 by Billy
Joel alienates core fans by developing concept group “Cherubic Nudes”
Written on August 2, 2017 by Billy
Joel gratefully allows psychic to take his car off his hands for free after she informs him a ghoul has taken up residence in the trunk
Written on August 2, 2017 by Billy
Joel forces neighbor from Home Improvement to reveal his face at gunpoint
Written on August 2, 2017 by Billy
Joel makes scene when office supply store manager informs him they no longer carry the Brother P-Touch
Written on August 2, 2017 by Billy
Joel lives in constant fear of not wearing gaudy, name-brand attire
Written on August 2, 2017 by Billy
Joel continues to waver on whether or not red wine and chocolate are good for you
Written on August 2, 2017 by Billy
Joel tries to butter up Vegas cop by referring to fictitious crime from early episode of CSI
Written on August 2, 2017 by Billy
Joel insists on there being wild sound effects and gratuitous animations accompanying mundane computer task in movie
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel nervously shields Starbucks coffee cup on opposite side of his body while passing local cafe
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel confuses athlete Usain Bolt with Saddam Hussein during 2020 Summer Olympic guest spot
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel finds his car flattened under the weight of enormous nude dead woman
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel hops on one foot reaching for pistol in his boot yelling “Hold on a minute, asshole” to fleeing crook
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel cathartically kisses the ground after short, smooth, incident-free flight on commercial airline
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel discovers rocks in drawers of desk he was asked to carry up stairs
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s children overhear him casually tell new acquaintance he doesn’t have any children
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel scowls and says “I don’t want your money” while angrily stuffing the money in his shirt pocket
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel represents himself in court, keeps running back and forth when taking the stand
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel launches Hyannis tech meetup called Cape Code but no one attends
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel bends down to help pick up woman’s groceries but then growls at her instead
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel nods to his status as high-ranking corporate officer by referring to himself as “a major pervert”
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel tells shocked tourists, “There’s wisdom in crowds” during brutal public stoning
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel reaches hand above water, signals 1-2-3 with fingers, then waves bye-bye and sinks to the bottom
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel found beet red and asleep on alter-like boulder mile down the shore from resort hotel
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s feminine side prevents him from buying Just for Men product
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel grabs frail Ikea associate by the wrist and desperately asks to be led to the exit
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s recent behavior explained by being 6 months overdue for Bordetella vaccine
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel abruptly told by psychic “I’m sorry, I can’t help you, I’m closed” in the middle of sidewalk palm reading
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel reaches frantically for glove box when asked for license and registration
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel stands behind half-baked pseudo-science to push dangerous diet plan
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel grasps bridezilla niece by both shoulders and continues to reaffirm “This is YOUR day”
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel subjected to elaborate prank after taking penis enlargement pills, wakes up in model house with everything 20% smaller in scale
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel dangerously overserves booze to dwarf friend at housewarming party, is reassured when the little man rapidly repeats “I’m alright, I’m alright”
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel quickly fired as police sketch artist for repeatedly drawing The Hamburglar
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel pulls apartment window curtains closed, finally free of the male gaze
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel sees in infrared spectrum during tantrum in line to meet mall Santa Claus
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel slides crude advance scrawled on deposit slip toward rookie bank teller
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel thinks The Who singer has real stutter while listening to My Generation
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel appears on 911 caller ID, operator answers by barking “What now?!”
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel shows off variety of priceless face gestures while hosting The Price is Right
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel says “why you slippery little shit” to elderly woman who unknowingly took his parking spot
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel keeps pestereing his mother to watch him dive, but sees her turn away at last second
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel makes quick fifty bucks from Pentecostal minister by jumping out of wheelchair
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel informed by mechanic of poorly wired car bomb attached to engine block
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel asks extensive questions about restaurant’s wine list, ends up ordering Bud Light
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel asked “Did you really think you’d get away with this?!” while being fired from Gap Kids for stealing
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel invents board game in which the only way to win is to not play
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s warnings about southern politician being “slick seducer” fall on deaf ears
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel brings dress, wig and makeup aboard cruise ship in the event of evacuation
Written on July 18, 2017 by Billy
Joel reported to police after asking one too many questions at hot air balloon airfield
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel carefully and emphatically points out which tea is yours and which is his
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel regrets decision to take part in charity kangaroo boxing match
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel invited to dinner at Haitian neighbors’ house who forget to put Voodoo doll of him away
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel stays cross eyed after perfectly timed karate chop to forehead
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel approaches broken down car to have Spanish lady yell “no thank you” behind closed window while waving him away
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel calls 911 when stoned viewing of Charlie Kaufman film goes sideways on him
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel returns from restroom to find all of his fellow cult members dead
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel goes completely incognito after parting his hair to the opposite side
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel shouts “get out of my head!” upon realizing that support person knows he’s lying
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel tries to convince babysitter that he’s allowed to stay up past ten
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel grips string of lanterns with hands and clings to balcony railing with toes for dear life stretched out above raucous street festival
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel falls out of window after struggling to carry bride over threshold
Written on July 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel approaches competing business at tradeshow and whispers “I’m gonna eat your lunch”
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel tells school faculty he’s picking up child as a favor to busy parents, panics at mention of password
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel has fake little league t-shirts printed to make it easier to sell stolen candy
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel unable to walk straight after stranger blows mysterious pollen in his face
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel sends grandmother vicious political flash animation as birthday card
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel found pacing down hotel hallway wearing curtains as robe talking out some kind of internal conflict
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel tricked into buying bogus rare coin at flea market by woman in tie-dyed pajamas
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel pouts in corner, repeating “you’re too good for this world” at a low whimper
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel defends elderly woman from purse snatcher, then asks to keep purse
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel takes both pills described in song White Rabbit at once, stays about the same size
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel hatches poorly conceived charity event entitled Bowl with Joel
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel frantically operates backhoe at highway construction site with multiple people waving and yelling at him
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel misrepresents his feeling on issue by stating “I could care less”
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel overheard arguing in Haitian creole on cellphone with only English words being “I’ll fuck you!”
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel witnessed removing neck brace and moving about naturally by insurance fraud investigator
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel implicated once his greasy likeness takes shape on shattered glass door pieced together by forensic specialist
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel makes guess about animal tracks on hiking trail, is wrong about height, weight, gender and species
Written on June 30, 2017 by Billy
Joel buys SNICKERS bar with label in proper case instead of all caps, goes into coma
Written on June 16, 2017 by Billy
Joel likens his relationship with his cable provider to spousal rape
Written on June 13, 2017 by Billy
Joel makes sound of tea kettle whistle until getting pounded with mallet on top of head
Written on June 13, 2017 by Billy
Joel reaches toward sting on back of neck, discovers poison-tipped dart
Written on June 13, 2017 by Billy
Joel nearly drowns trying to get a closer look at the handsome man in the lake
Written on June 6, 2017 by Billy
Joel discovered frozen stiff in restaurant freezer wearing prehistoric garb
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel sponsors young Parisian ballet dancer in possessive predatory relationship
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel panics and runs when asked to demonstrate his knowledge of maritime knots
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel critically injured attempting to ride horse wearing carved pumpkin over his head
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s continued confusion between Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman makes him wish they were both dead
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel’s colleague notices that his planner consists only of the word “JOEL” in small print filling each page
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel places cutout letters of name on forehead before entering tanning salon
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel cites stepping away from active banking session to support claim of dangerous lifestyle
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel makes exhaustive list of which animal each of his friends resembles
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel sentenced to one year aboard decommissioned submarine after series of harmless misdemeanors
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel suggests five minute “bio break” during meeting after clearly pissing his pants
Written on June 5, 2017 by Billy
Joel caught on surveillance camera licking produce and putting it back
Written on June 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel deters predators by puffing up to twice his size and revealing quills
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel heard shouting “if you bring her in here I’m gonna kill her” in regard to brother’s wife
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel barely escapes with his life after challenging modern street gang to dance-fight
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel shatters priceless china after continued promise of magic tablecloth trick
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel cautiously approaches girl’s volleyball team with Federal Boob Inspector card on display
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel considers opening a Go & Sell across the street from a Stop & Shop
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel calls bank and issues stop payment on check to babysitter moments after thanking her and dropping her off
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel gets destroyed off peach wine coolers in parking lot of High School reunion
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel cites long, erroneous list of ailments curable by marijuana after listening to Peter Tosh record
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel told he’s comprised of the leftover garbage unused by his estranged superior twin
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel has strange recurring nightmare about Rescue Rangers character Monterey Jack
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel marks perimeter of home with pungent urine to ward off other would-be Joels
Written on May 23, 2017 by Billy
Joel adopts the lean startup principle “fail fast” but never learns from his failures
Written on May 10, 2017 by Billy
Joel calmly observes the joys and heartaches of alien civilization through high powered telescope
Written on May 10, 2017 by Billy
Joel crouches in silence on toilet seat in bathroom stall as armed lunatic passes by
Written on May 10, 2017 by Billy
Joel cites heavy traffic as excuse for being late to work from home
Written on May 3, 2017 by Billy
Joel dispels “What happens in Vegas…” adage by returning with leprosy
Written on May 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel complains that incidents of kidnapping and housefires seem to have dwindled
Written on May 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel whispers his name to himself every 30 seconds during transcontinental flight
Written on May 1, 2017 by Billy
Joel shrieks, “I can’t swim, ok! Are you happy now?!” to group of teenagers at beach
Written on April 28, 2017 by Billy
Joel deputized by Honolulu Sherrif’s Department for role in ladyboy sex sting
Written on April 25, 2017 by Billy
Joel makes ludicrous, historically inaccurate statements about King Tut to entertain guests at dinner party
Written on April 25, 2017 by Billy
Joel opens mysterious trunk, gets lunged at by ventriloquist dummy
Written on April 25, 2017 by Billy
Joel clears his schedule to swallow pills with grandson of pencil tycoon
Written on April 25, 2017 by Billy
Joel looks up and says “My God” after seeing devil-horned version of himself in mirror
Written on April 25, 2017 by Billy
Joel puts 0.0 bumper sticker on his car in response to 26.2 marathon version
Written on April 24, 2017 by Billy
Joel nervously leaves plate of raw chicken on his back porch nightly for what he refers to as “the monkey man”
Written on April 15, 2017 by Billy
Joel leaves a trail of breadcrumbs only to get followed by birds, lost
Written on April 15, 2017 by Billy
Joel submits discovery of new periodic element with suggested name “Joelium”
Written on April 15, 2017 by Billy
Joel asks his auto mechanic about the possibility of an ejector seat
Written on April 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel interviews for dream job, asks mostly about time off policy and grievance processes
Written on April 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel hides in display tent at department store until after it’s closed
Written on April 14, 2017 by Billy
Joel argues he can’t be called butterfingers because he’s all thumbs
Written on April 11, 2017 by Billy
Joel meticulously puts bloody fingerprint on J, O, E, and L keys on display MacBooks at Apple Store
Written on April 11, 2017 by Billy
Joel embarks on ominous secret project codenamed Operation Lazarus
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel uses chopsticks as walrus tusks, chases waitress around aquarium.
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel hears second face on the back of his head suggesting heinous acts
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel playfully invites female colleague to lunch at Tavern In The Square, referencing it by its unfortunate acronym
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel tells acquaintance that he works on Wall Street selling “derrigaboos”
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel turned away from blood bank after attempting to make withdrawal
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel opens email attachment labeled “virus.exe” from unknown sender
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel seen leaving hurriedly from office park moments before canned food drive donations reported missing
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel lured by scent of pie cooling on windowsill, knocked unconscious with rolling pin
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel stares into nozzle of gas pump to investigate why nothing’s coming out
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel sits paralyzed on toilet of Durango bar believing TV audio is live robbery
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel claims to have seen a Terminator after nibbling on the corner of a pot brownie
Written on April 7, 2017 by Billy
Joel makes lude boob squeezing motion while telling reporter he’s rooting for Gonzaga
Written on March 21, 2017 by Billy
Joel discovers family photo album with pictures of him hatching from egg
Written on March 20, 2017 by Billy
Joel uses New York office backdrop to take video conference call from Caribbean vacation
Written on March 20, 2017 by Billy
Joel doesn’t understand the appeal of burritos due to never having taken the tinfoil off
Written on March 20, 2017 by Billy
Joel claims one-eighth Mohawk Indian heritage on law school application
Written on March 20, 2017 by Billy
Joel choked to death on beach by plane crash survivors after several days of fevered madness
Written on March 20, 2017 by Billy
Joel burglarizes North Cambridge apartment in desperate hunt for opioids
Written on February 21, 2017 by Billy
Joel bursts blood vessel in forehead benching what he refers to as a “fuck-ton” of weight
Written on February 21, 2017 by Billy
Joel spent months sharpening fingernails into points before attack
Written on February 21, 2017 by Billy
Joel has frantic conversation with 911 operator after eighth cup of coffee
Written on February 20, 2017 by Billy
Joel sees the phrase “GET OUT” formed from Spaghetti O’s while eating in haunted house
Written on February 13, 2017 by Billy
Joel updates title to Data Scientist after logging into Google Analytics and spending a few moments looking at some charts
Written on February 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel unimpressed by CT Middle School fashions after moving from affluent Dallas suburb
Written on February 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel considers himself hot shit after ordering burrito in Spanish
Written on February 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel brutalizes beginner chess opponent by invoking en passant pawn capture
Written on February 12, 2017 by Billy
Joel cons a string of elderly women in Sarasota and Boca Raton
Written on February 4, 2017 by Billy
Joel rips microwave handle clean off in rush to get at hot pizza
Written on December 14, 2016 by Billy
Joel makes fool of himself with phrase “for all intensive purposes”
Written on December 14, 2016 by Billy
Joel urged by girlfriend’s mother to not go away mad, but just to go away
Written on December 14, 2016 by Billy
Joel creates “poor man’s zip file” by pasting images into Word document
Written on December 14, 2016 by Billy
Joel kindly asked to leave Ben & Jerry’s after attempting to “shine” his order
Written on December 14, 2016 by Billy
Joel purchases controversial knit winter hat with baseball style brim
Written on December 14, 2016 by Billy
Joel steadfast in his belief that Joan Miro must have been some kind of woman
Written on August 17, 2016 by Billy
Joel tells angel on his shoulder to take a hike during moral crisis
Written on July 27, 2016 by Billy
Joel subjected to 48 hour spell, switching bodies with giant tree sloth
Written on July 27, 2016 by Billy
Joel utterly mesmerized after waking up drunk at Colonial Times theme park
Written on July 27, 2016 by Billy
Joel receives bar of soap and deodorant stick from Secret Santa during holiday office party
Written on July 27, 2016 by Billy
Joel smashes city bus driver over head with museum gift shop geode
Written on July 8, 2016 by Billy
Joel grows shock of white hair after witnessing enormous male twins having sex in Borders bathroom stall
Written on July 8, 2016 by Billy
Joel cites partial Irish heritage as excuse for excessive use of the ‘C’ word
Written on July 8, 2016 by Billy
Joel baffles Costco staff by asking “Where do you keep the big fuckers?”
Written on July 8, 2016 by Billy
Joel blames bad sushi for scratching out all the eyes in friend’s photo album
Written on June 14, 2016 by Billy
Joel writes “Lorem ipsum dolor” using Helvetica font, refers to himself as designer
Written on June 7, 2016 by Billy
Joel gets mangled attempting to run away from alligator in zig-zag pattern
Written on June 3, 2016 by Billy
Joel sprints from medical facility after prostate exam shows suspiciously healthy results
Written on June 2, 2016 by Billy
Joel demands unreasonable amount of personal data in exchange for download of stale industry Whitepaper
Written on May 30, 2016 by Billy
Joel discovers infestation in attic, gives himself nickname Rat King
Written on May 30, 2016 by Billy
Joel enters Witness Protection Program after witnessing homicide, changes name to Jelly Bowl
Written on May 27, 2016 by Billy
Joel offends woodwind player by suggesting potential “skin flute” solo
Written on May 27, 2016 by Billy
Joel lists interests as “Pizza & Dudes” in pandering Teen Beat interview
Written on May 27, 2016 by Billy
Joel quietly commissions Mickey Rooney doll from Breakfast at Tiffany’s role
Written on May 27, 2016 by Billy