Author Archive

Joel gets greedy

Joel, all out of options for new pharmaceutical name, suggests Victruder

Joel justifies alcoholism with vague mention of familial connection to Ulysses S. Grant

Joel chased around dino park by bone-wielding ogre

Joel gets involved with some dangerous lake people

Joe ties up and robs elderly Miami foursome

Joe suffers major stroke while rage-eating Toasted Frontega Chicken sandwich

Joel rage-eats full sleeve of Ritz crackers after argument with co-worker

Joel feeds booze to noble Okinawan karate master in order to “bring him down a few notches”

Joel seen flying hang glider leading flock of geese

Joel contracts unhinged social outcast to sabotage rival

Joel posts bogus claim in company-wide Slack channel that he got salmonella poisoning from the office catered lunch

Joel carries eyeglasses with him at all times in the event that he needs to quickly put them on and appeal to the leniency of someone he’s driven to violence

Joel crawls out of large suitcase on moving conveyor belt in front of stunned red-eye passengers

Joel leaks salacious rumors about himself to the press to get out of upcoming anti-bullying campaign commitments

Joel claims there were multiple Stephen Hawkings

Joel reasonably not guilty of third identical staircase death of a wife in his house

Joel and Boz Scaggs wrestle and crash through sliding glass door at San Francisco Pelosi fundraiser hosted by a convicted murderer

Joel makes drunken purchase of exotic bird that has 90 year lifespan

Joel stuffs his volunteer firefighter jacket and helmet into garbage can and flees with civilians while other first responders continue to make their way into burning shopping mall

Joel inspired by long line of depraved, misogynistic leading male Hollywood roles

Joel sneaks into local high school girls’ field hockey practice to tell goalie he slept with her father

Joel etches Code of Hammurabi text into mirror of office bathroom

Joel experiences theistic hysteria after an unidentified tincture leaks onto his skin

Joel shows up to volunteer at women’s shelter wearing colorful leather jacket adorned with multiple state lottery logos

Joel regards his prolificacy as an effective creator and communicator of visual ideas at the level of ancient Shamanic pansexual mysticism

Joel’s lack of quality sleep linked to the static hum from the dozen security cam video monitors in his bedroom

Joel caught red handed sabotaging brother’s televised weight loss journey

Joel takes quick swig of Dr McGuillicuddy’s Mentholmint Liqueur while being approached by police

Joel’s real Inbox reads like a Spam folder

Joel holds micro-recorder to ear and constantly replays sound bite of Reginald Veljohnson saying “I shot a kid”

Joel stops in his tracks upon hearing someone shout “Freeze, slimeball!”

Joel regales church group with account of harrowing pot brownie saga

Joel gets house trashed by 90 day fiancé

Joel buys hodgepodge of overpriced meal items at airport concession stand AFTER flight

Joel asks doctor if the sound of a deflating balloon during urination is normal or something to worry about

Joel’s goblin-like face emerges from vat of phosphorescent instant mac and cheese

Joel gets handed sweaty wad of money from pub trivia host and told “I don’t want you to ever come back”

Joel blogs under pseudonym “Murderous Hen”

Joel considers starting house fire to cover up butchering of friend’s prized Bonsai tree

Joel autographs newspaper caricature with sinister Joel face and body of a pouched hairless rodent

Joel partially blinded while howling at the sun

Joel uses custom tailor smartphone app to get suit jacket fitted for small gorilla

Joel’s ineffectiveness as a provider forces sickly pregnant wife to take physically demanding job at pet store

Joel experiences direct relationship between dumbness and time

Joel watches baboons fight from safe distance

Joel likens his defamation site to an impossibly beautiful tree falling in the woods

Joel leaves bowl of candy on porch with sign: “Limit one per child. You are being recorded.”

Joel manages to get a lot of good people upset for no reason after local sherriff goes out on a limb for him

Joel buys used Bronco with bad intentions

Joel gropes around for wallet while performing CPR

Joel banned from nerd’s house

Joel seen hurriedly climbing out of bedroom window in underwear, open silk robe, and CPAP mask

Joel never finds out if Annie from Jackson song is okay

Joel’s particular style likened to a greaser cannibal swine mascot for a BBQ eatery

Joel insists on having a woman holding a live rat in music video

Joel invites friends over to watch “Vengals” game

Joel sends murderous riddle to local newspaper

Joel drives around with “Garbage Baby On Board” sign in rear window

Joel rage-eats submarine sandwich with incorrect toppings

Joel indignant with insurance company for raising his rates after proving to be a very bad driver and a very stupid person

Joel claims retired footballer Teddy Bruschi suffered stroke after attempting to crush unopened beer can against forehead

Joel emphasizes fact that he ate only half of chicken parm sub, omits fact that he also ate half of large pizza

Joel blatantly disregards sage advice from future self

Joel turns state’s evidence against Brendan Dassey

Joel dance-eats his way through county food fair

Joel overhead conversing with stairway ghoul by hotel staff

Joel sets up trip line in Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s office, causing the senior justice of the highest court to fall and break three ribs

Joel comes out of bathroom more full of shit than when he went in

Joel invited to have a seat by Chris Hansen

Joel suffers minor stroke as Snerd ventriloquist dummy launches itself through the air at him from off of shelf

Joel able to spell “diarrhea” correctly without googling it

Joel finds second home for himself at town dump

Joel eclipses 1000-to-1 word count ratio during small talk with hitchhiker who suddenly has a nearer destination

Joel holds greasy sausage link in bare hand and gestures with it while telling story at local diner

Joel receives life-changing shock while fishing bread from toaster with knife after unremarkable Ted Talk

Joel stabs crossword puzzle repeatedly with knife after failing to get more than a couple words

Joel handpicked by duplicitous police chief to investigate a crime that a very powerful person does not want solved

Joel lists “soiled khakis” on expense report

Joel describes fight between two doctors over his histrionics

Joel eats rainbow colored ham from friend’s mother’s refrigerator as to not offend

Joel sprains shoulder while throwing egg at mayor-elect

Joel anonymously sends information about diseases to strangers

Joel snorts crushed pills while listening to Hulk Hogan theme song

Joel now touring as murder clown rapper

Joel comes out of the woodwork along with all the other fair weather posthumous Garry Shandling fans

Joel watches scrambled porn channel to relive his tween years

Joel rushes to replace tray of brownies before anyone gets home

Joel receives scratchy phone call from the original Joel

Joel watches Eastwood flick Gran Torino but fast forwards through non-racist scenes

Joel thrown from stock car in Laconia death race

Joel has vision of two headed snake with young and old Michael Jackson faces

Joel fears retribution from friends and family after canceling Netflix account

Joel enters Clowning vs Krumping competition

Joel rarely seen without styrofoam cup of codeine cough syrup

Joel green-lights production of Tom Arnold movie “The Stupids”

Joel posts bail after getting busted for selling oregano in Wildwood, New Jersey

Joel seen out of control on jet ski billowing smoke with police boat in pursuit

Joel passes out while getting tongue pierced to impress new raver friends

Joel thrown off porch into garbage pile by recoil from potato gun

Joel approaches skunk den with air horn

Joel nearly strangled to death by fellow runaway travel companion on wooden raft

Joel gives off unpredictable and dangerous vibe while making small talk with smarter person

Joel begs employees to be honest during survey, then retaliates harshly against unfavorable responses

Joel appears sedated during interview while wife describes life with him as “a living hell”

Joel sees uneaten muffin on park bench and becomes frozen with indecision

Joel slithers in and out of parents’ room like The Grinch Who Stole Christmas to restart cable modem while they sleep

Joel told by teacher there are no stupid questions except for his questions

Joel uses stink as a weapon

Joel buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

Joel comes up with bogus pseudoscientific explanation for requiring actors to be nude during time travel scenes

Joel offers favorable review of restaurant in return for unlimited calamari as a sort of “squid pro quo”

Joel uses full $100 balance of Home Depot gift card on snacks from checkout line

Joel puts raw steak in pocket before court hearing for custody of dog

Joel rushes to publish dangerously fallacious argument for indigenous peoples’ right to whale even the most endangered species

Joel seen running towards shopping mall bathroom pushing people out of his way with one hand and cupping his bottom side with the other hand

Joel severely disappointed by marmalade on toast at diner, wishes he could go back in time and use the Concord grape jelly

Joel goes overboard with ranch sauce

Joel poisons neighbors’ trees

Joel thrown back out over railing by male Silverback gorilla after jumping into zoo exhibit

Joel tricked into solo SpaceX mission so the world can get a break from him

Joel warns everyone he knows that if you create a Gershwin station on Pandora it will basically just play 20 different versions of Rhapsody in Blue

Joel bullies fast food worker into complicated off-menu order

Joel awoken by team of hogs rummaging through his house

Joel forms unhealthy obsession with bodybuilder Alex Fedorov

Joel asks dinner host, “Pour me a glass of Bitch?” in the voice of Paul Lynde as Templeton the Rat

Joel does nefarious earthly bidding of high ranking evil spirit in exchange for personal sex ghoul

Joel drops, shatters coffee mug upon realizing that everything Ryan Lopes had ever told him was a lie

Joel threatens to “tame American dotard with fire”

Joel caught mocking Robert Kennedy Jr’s voice, ignorant of spasmodic dysphonia condition

Joel becomes overnight millionaire after launching site to sell his handmade gewgaws, serves as powerful anecdotal fodder for those interested in capitalizing on the world wide web and in need of help doing so

Joel goes to doctor for mystery ailment, gets prescribed a slap across the face

Joel calls child plaintiffs in MJ abuse scandal “a bunch of [expletive] ingrates”

Joel posts bullshit cooking video

Joel informs friend that 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday

Joel chooses food when forced to choose between that or his wife

Joel says “nice try” to Aborigine moments before being struck in the back of the head by boomerang

Joel buys license for obsolete graphics program that only swirls faces

Joel asks old acquaintance to enter her phone number in his phone, later reaches a land line at home for invalids

Joel hotboxes vintage VW Bus with heavyset actor from Lost

Joel disguises self as woman, enters Roller Derby using pseudonym Jawanna Roel

Joel introduces immigrant neighbors at dinner party, emphasizes idea that they come from a “third world” country

Joel writes “boy problems” on insurance form as reason for concert cancellation

Joel desperately prays to Madre de Dios with elderly Mexican woman after smoking laced pot

Joel gets launched off of toilet and soaked in “foul smelling goo” as thrill-seeking youths blow up plumbing under street

Joel screams at mother in response to stolen credit card accusation

Joel goes on lengthy tirade listing every race he hates starting with his own

Joel bites off more than he can chew at Make a Wish Foundation, must name next album “Ugly Kid Joel”

Joel mistakes Asian American coworker for restaurant delivery person

Joel chokes on jelly bean while heckling middle school basketball team

Joel orders assistant to bird-dog Israeli Dead Sea Hand Lotion saleswomen for email address and photos

Joel insists hotel housekeeping service make bed with him in it

Joel rides elevator alone after creeped-out woman pretends to have forgotten something and turns away

Joel attempts first cartwheel in 30 years, hand-plants on friend’s laptop, denies shattering screen

Joel grabs cashier by the wrist

Joel thinks Louie Anderson was all time best Family Feud host

Joel spotted running across highway naked from the waist down

Joel seeks crowdfunding to develop sleepwalk murder prevention kit

Joel rifles through woman’s purse

Joel intelligibly reads Wingdings font

Joel kicked in head by protégé, stumbles to piano and plays ragtime in concussed state

Joel attempts to glean titillating info from muffled 3 minute voicemail accidentally left by friend who pocket-dialed him

Joel cites year lived in Tucson during childhood as grounds for over-the-top southwestern motif in living room

Joel suspects pool has special dye that will turn urine purple, still takes chance

Joel drives hour to Indian grocery store to put faces to the names of the victims of his dimwitted prank calls

Joel thinks he’s better than everyone at de-shelling crab legs

Joel thinks fake candle at restaurant is real, believes friend is impervious to flame

Joel places hand in thumbs-up position on seat next to him before person sits down

Joel pats cheeks with salami slices before pressing face against glass door

Joel accuses niece of being ‘boy crazy’

Joel eats week old pizza, admits it wasn’t even from the most recent delivery

Joel found passed out wearing diapers and a lampshade on his head after making a fool of himself at reggae bashment

Joel hides evidence of unused screws and brackets after assembling Ikea shelf

Joel shouts “Put your weight on him!” at backyard brawl

Joel suspects local homeless person is ‘some kind of hoodoo man’

Joel flips out over souvenir baby alligator head

Joel rushes crescendo, blows out his o-ring

Joel breaks into classroom, fist-pounds gingerbread houses into gingerbread dust

Joel prowls outside of home, isn’t sure what he’s going to do but knows it will be bad

Joel ghost writes scathing Wacko Jacko article for New York Post

Joel unnerved by “No Cornholing” sign in Cincinnati parking garage

Joel inhabits mattress in free pile near college campus, infests taker

Joel searches most of world for Carmen San Diego, doesn’t think to check San Diego

Joel concusses cartoon accomplice with frying pan

Joel nibbles macaroons like rodent in corner of cookie warehouse

Joel confuses Desmond Tutu with Pol Pot

Joel puts on American flag bandana to warn cars he’ll break windows

Joel overloads at nacho bar seeking payback

Joel misses deep fryer with turd toss, plots next attempt

Joel pretends to be Twin Peaks fan after barely making it through first episode

Joel breathes onto litmus strip, scores off-the-charts on fecal scale

Joel carves ‘bear’ statue out of redwood, forms burly hirsute image of self

Joel mistakingly thinks end to his depravity is near

Joel irrationally labels friend’s workplace “asshole asylum” before getting facts

Joel misplaces porno mag, makes bad noise at ice fishing hut

Joel leaves camp looking for an animal to harrass, returns to tent on fire

Joel blows conch, assembles group of one

Joel calls police on neighborhood kids getting respite from heat at fire hydrant

Joel ‘feels alive’ after spitting in salad bar

Joel studies forensics show, gets busted by dumb idiot

Joel whips trick in Memphis recording studio

Joel screams to the sky, continues conflict into bowels of public transportation

Joel only lives to get radical, antagonizes War Child

Joel hyperventilates into lunch bag, looks up and smiles at bus driver like demon

Joel slashes face in Jimmy Cliff docudrama

Joel avoids eye contact with mother

Joel sabotages dehumidifier in Connecticut basement

Joel summons marshmallow villain through inability to clear thoughts

Joel cooks horse

Joel yells ‘posers!’ at high school skater hangout

Joel asks ‘Who am I but just de gal dem sugar?’ in offensive Caribbean accent

Joel eats heavy meal before going to restaurant, claims to be on diet and orders salad

Joel wonders if dragons are real

Joel steps on lily pad, plunges

Joel embarrassingly wrong on jelly bean count estimate

Joel plays Road Hog with schoolbus, stymies field trip

Joel faints after pointing high-powered perception at self

Joel goes on and on about Mars likes he’s actually been there

Joel only confronts white females in arguments, says ‘anyone else is too risky’

Joel attempts Trick or Treating in middle of August

Joel readies snake-in-can at Gene Wilder book signing

Joel helps old lady cross the street, then does something awful to someone else in order to ‘balance the universe’

Joel posts “Do Not Touch” signs throughout house in advance of AirBnB guest

Joel stands talking in friend’s living room for 21 hours straight

Joel watches Dean Martin Celebrity Roast DVD infomercial like it’s the actual show

Joel takes forever parking stupid car while tension builds inside diner

Joel registers “Stankbot” at MIT competition

Joel embellishes traffic conditions to blind passenger

Joel hurls ‘corny’ insults at rapper E-40 and Bay Area hip hop scene, gets meat lumped at Oakland venue

Joel caught on nanny cam licking tv remote controller

Joel uses roomate’s expensive kitchen knife to open mail despite being repeatedly told not to because it dulls the blade

Joel sends NSFW attachment to friend without disclaimer

Joel carbo-loads night before nothing in particular

Joel flips directional arrow at fork in road on dangerous wildlife preserve

Joel brings toxic attitude to Scrum team

Joel insists ‘bad boy’ persona warranted, directs reporter to http://www.joelskinsfifth.com/

Joel shadowboxes in front of screen at movie theater to chorus of boos

Joel snarls at elderly couple at grocery store, holds zuchini and two plums in suggestive position

Joel offends humanity with Freudian slip

Joel crashes party, apologizes, does it again

Joel starts twitter beef out of boredom

Joel stares into microwave impatiently

Joel turns playpen into pigsty

Joel combs his hair in a pompadour, like no romeos ever wore

Joel challenges Jordan to game of ‘horse,’ later seen exiting stable disheveled

Joel bonks momo with electrified tennis racket

Joel knows how to buckle seat belt only because of flight attendant’s instructions

Joel orders large group to one side of pontoon boat

Joel sprays skunk

Joel wiggles tongue during CPR training

Joel wanders off trail, hikers rejoice

Joel whispers gibberish at child to derail learning

Joel blames animals for stench at zoo, walks gingerly toward restroom

Joel dares fast food employee to call police

Joel prepares rotten dozen in advance of Easter Egg Hunt

Joel sickens dinner guests with wifi password

Joel insists on playing “White Jack” at casino, gets dealer to hit him literally

Joel divulges ‘Pee, Anno Man’ was original song title

Joel jumps on hood of car that ran light in funeral procession

Joel stunned passport not required for New Mexico trip

Joel saddened by happy ending

Joel and rapper Drake get handsy on Kiss Cam at Toronto Raptors game

Joel rushes to hospital after receiving viral video

Joel incites melee after piss bucket stunt at Fenway Park

Joel carries tray of hot dogs below waist after concert with shit-eating grin